Friday, November 12, 2010
I am going to be wearing a tight red dress and get all pretty.
I am going to get drunk and dance with all my friends.
So why do I feel like locking myself in my room?
Why do I NOT feel excited one bit.
I want to but I just can't....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Okay so this is what I remember about my dream last night:
I had a little sister (but I don't in real life) and me and her went to this boys house. There were like 3 or 4 boys who actually lived in the house. And in my dream it was the middle of the night when we went to this boys house. So my little sister was a virgin. One of the boys (all of them were my age 19ish) was interested in my little sister and wanted to have sex with her. So i let him. She thought she was more than ready and really really wanted to. At some point the guy that was interested in her was in his boxers and wanted me to feel his penis. It was huge....just saying. Then they went and had sex. At the same time there was a really cute boy interested in having sex with me. And I was so down for it. But he kept putting it off and i kept losing him. at one point he was sleeping in the other guys bedroom and i had to wake him up. So it was around early morning now because I spent all night trying to hangout with him. so when we actually had sex...he lasted for three seconds. very disappointing. then me and my little sister left, and i think there were train tracks or something.
It was a really intense dream and i remember the feelings like i was actually there.
Maybe i should add some of the context about my life that might influence this dream:
people have told me im addicted to sex. for many reasons. i dont disagree.
everyone i can have sex with live in a different city than me (i moved far away for university) so i have no one to release my sexual frustration to.
i miss it.
At this point I think that sex does have a big influence in my whole life. Since I had the dream i think about it a lot. with past sexual partners. because thats all i can do here. is THINK about it. i can't actually DO anything
Its a big problem for me and my dreams are not helping.
Love, Eden xoxo
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
We can't do certain things because we can't offend other people, we do not want to wear certain things, say things or do things because in the back of our minds we always are thinking "what will someone else think" WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER! ITS MY LIVE! I shouldn't care what other people think or say because that's them, not me. But we always do that and we always will.
Why does it matter how skinny we are? Why does it matter that we have embarrassing pimples on our face or even the colour of our own damn skin. Why does that make you better than me?
I can do a lot of pretty damn amazing things.
I can be your best fucking friends.
I can change your mother fucking life.
But I can't. Because you can't see who I am as a person. We hide ourselves because we think that other people won't accept our true selves. And we are right. They won't. But why?
As far as I know we have one life. But we only live half of it. Who told us to do so? I want to do everything I want to do. Because its MY fucking life. Not yours. I don't want to care about what you say.
Monday, November 8, 2010
A) because life happens
B) i didn't have any "problems" (or at least i thought) to talk about
Well I am at the point again where I just can't sit here and think about everything. It should not be stuck in my head. Its too much for one person to handle. So I thought I would go back to my old blog because it is just too much work to start a new one with no followers. At least with this one, there is a good chance that people might read it.
I am actually surprised at how many of the people I followed are still going strong. Main word being strong. Because they are. So that gave me the courage to come back and keep telling my story.
A few updates about me that I feel are relevant to post on my returning are:
1)Eating is not longer a day by day issue
(I think that there are many more issues that concern my time. Not saying that I don't think about it from time to time. Fuck yes I do)
2)I recently started cutting again.
(Not sure how I feel about that...)
3) I am in university. Living in a residence setting, with roommates and a very demanding school work schedule.
I think that telling you about everything that I have been through since I stopped posting would take a very long time and I don't think I am ready for that. So if I bring things up, please take it as it is, as my personal journal for all of you to read, understand and relate to.
I hope that my old followers will still want to hear about me, even if they do not remember me at all and I also hope to receive new ones, and meet other people.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.
I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.
When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.
Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.
Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.
Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah
If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.
And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.
What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.
It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.
Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.
He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.
Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.
I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.
All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.
Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.
Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first
Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!
Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Since sex has been introduced into my life...childish fantasies of real love have flown out the window.
Since sex has been introduced into my life...I keep getting a glimpse of reality and into what people really do behind my "rose tinted glass"
Since sex has been introduced into my life...it seems to be the only thing people want from me. and I've learned that I can just give and take from people.
Since sex has been introduced into my life...my innocence has disappeared.
I fell for the biggest dick in the planet. A dick who knows just how much of a dick he is to me and doesn't really care, he actually finds it funny.
So I don't care about him anymore. I'll use him just as much as he uses me.
But prince charming is knocking at my door now. The sweetest boy ever. He would never hurt me and I know he wouldn't. The problem now is....I can hurt him. and bad.
Because I no longer want the cute little dating scene.
I want the dick. Because I can't let go of my first. I just can't. No matter how bad he is for me, no matter how good prince charming is.
Something keeps telling me that I need to hold on...just for a bit longer.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I feel like I am watching my life through a mirror. Like I am seeing it happen but it is not affecting me. I am letting it happen and I want to see more?
I feel like one of those people who sit in rehab or therapy and they are so traumatized, they go through the events in their life, put two and two together, go through their experiences and realize all the messed up things that happened to them, they start to realize they could've done better, that they are messed up because of the horrible things that happened. I feel that I am going through those messed up life experiences, ones that will make me want to somehow block those things later on in life. May it be drugs or whatever.
Its bad but for some reason I don't think it is.
My friend sat there last night crying in front of me because of all the stuff I'm going through. She was crying because its so messed up and I don't deserve it.
I sat there smiling because I felt that there was nothing I could do. I didn't feel sad, mad, or anything. I tried to cry, couldn't, then stopped trying.
All I know is that nobody can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Nothing seems to compare. This all seems like a joke to me.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I find every single outlet for pain. To mess my life up. To scar myself inside and out. But it happens. And I let it.
The people who try to look out for me can't help me anymore.
I'll end up pushing them away because of this. I know it.
All I can hope is that they will be there for me when the tears come, when the emotions reach the top and explode.
Thank you for taking the time to read this :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I snapped today.
Went under and I want to get back up.
"I don't feel real, I don't feel right."
Suicide is a fantasy when your like this. It replays in your head like a dream. And boy am I dreaming. Some days it seems so much easier to give up.
"So fall in love while you can, still hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive again."
I want to disappear. Open up my skin and let all this out.
I hate these days. I want to get it over with.
Being in love is too scary for me. I'm scared to death of sex. I don't want to lose him because of that.
People say "if he doesn't understand then he isn't right for you." But I want him to understand. I want him! I want him!!!!!
I couldn't imagine showing my scars.
That's why is seems so much better to just end it all.
I'm just trying to get through the day.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I wrote down my goals, established what I wanted to do and now I am making it happen. I don't know how, but its happening.
1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days) *Losing weight is getting easier now*
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else. *I hope he thinks about me as much as I think about him*
5)Have a date for prom *Might happen*
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. *This has been done for me*
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party *Had my own house party*
11)Be more confident (It's coming...) *This is a hard one, especially with so many uncertainties.
They guy I like definitely likes me back. We both know we like each other. We both can't wait till the next time we see each other.
This may be the last weekend I am single. Which is a terrifying thought.
I am so scared that he will change his mind about me.
I want to wait to have sex, he doesn't seem to be the type to wait. I don't know how I'd be able to handle myself if I gave in. I don't know how I'd handle myself if he decided I wasn't worth waiting for.
Maybe he really won't care. But I never know, so I think about it all the time.
I just got to keep telling myself that he is just as shy as I am and it isn't easy for him. He probably doesn't know what the heck he is doing any more than I do.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I do feel really empty though. Not in the food sense.
I just don't know what I want any more. And I feel that if I no longer want the things that I thought I did, then there is nothing to look forward to anymore.
I need something to look forward to, something with hope. Because without it I am empty.
I felt better when I was starving myself. I haven't been doing that in a long time since things have been so screwed up. Will things ever go back to the way it was? So that I can go back to being me.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start
I'm only gonna break your heart"
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
6. What is your favourite weather? Why?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My nerves have been in such a jumble. I have been soo busy too. This is the first day that I have had a day to just chill at home. This is much needed.
I have at least gotten somewhat of a break during all of this though. I have had no appetite. And when I did eat, I didn't eat much. I never wanted to binge at all. I never thought about calories, or even worried about how much I was eating because I probably ate less than 1000 calories a day, if that. I walked so much too. Another thing, you probably don't want to know this, but I had no need for laxatives either. My body was cleaning itself out majorly!! All the stress wasn't for me I guess. Good right?
Motives and Goals for the next two months:
1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days)
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else.
5)Have a date for prom
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. (This has been done for me)
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party
11)Be more confident (It's coming...)
1)Fit into size 5 jeans and size medium perfectly.
2)Never have to look at muffin tops
3)Have my thighs touch less
4)Wear clothes that I think are gorgeous and not just what fits.
5)Arms need to be less fat
6)Collar bones stick out
7)Hip bones stick out more
8)Feel my ribs stick out when laying down (more than they already do)
9)Be able to take compliments without thinking its a lie
10)Be beautiful, in my eyes.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Instead of dwelling on how alone I felt. I just masked it. Or, my body did all the masking for me because I didn't even need to try to pretend that I wasn't feeling anything because I really wasn't. I still can't feel any sort of emotion. I got majorly high last night, totally tripped out to the point where I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I still kind of feel that way now, which is really scaring me. Like who takes a shower and FORGETS to wash their hair?!?! Like what the hell did I do in the shower for 10 minutes and not wash my hair? Oh, and don't text the guy you like when your tripping out because it is so confusing. Um yeah, you probably don't want to hear about all this. You probably think I'm some sort of a druggy.
My teeth hurt so bad. I feel like I have lost my mind. HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!! HOW WILL I FUNCTION!!
Its scarier than you think.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
If you ever want a boost of confidence, cut the words fat and ugly on your legs. (sarcasm)
Every cut I made took away all the confidence I had in me, the little that I had to begin with. I was left with nothing. I felt so alone.
I was so depressed after that because I needed that confidence back. I needed it more now then ever and I couldn't go on with out it. So I built myself back up. Little by little. I could not stay in that state of mind for very long. It was so hard. But I got some of myself back.
I know that I still have those cuts on my legs, that have to heal. But as they do, I will heal along with them.
I am worth it. I am beautiful and I will only get more beautiful. I have the best friends in the world. Not a lot of them, but the ones I have are amazing. My body does not deserve any more cuts.
Thank you for all of your support. I know I am not alone in this.
I think I am going to take this weekend and get a list of my goals and motives together just like ElikaPeka23 did (shes amazing!) and try to find that confidence again.
I am so glad to have all of you!!
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'll be posting again on Tuesday maybe :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
I am going to try to not eat so much. I'm tired of ruining everything.
Excited to see the boy at school today! (He keeps texting me :D)
Oh, and thank for all the support girls! Your so lovely :D
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I am not sure if this is even really her? But if it is then its great thinspo right? Shes gorgeous, you got to admit.
I don't even want to eat today. I feel that if I do then I am sabotaging myself. I want to be the best I can be by Monday and that means if I can lose 2 pounds by then, then I will try my darnest. I just have no want in me to eat anything. But, it is the morning and I don't want to say that I plan on eating nothing because if I do, it will be a lie, and I would be lying to everyone. I am going to try to stick to under 200 calories anyways but if it goes to just liquids that's fine.
This guy might actual like me and that is so weird! Looking back on the texts, he tried to ask me to hang out like 3 times yesterday and I said I was busy not even thinking of what his intention was. Like I just wanted the conversation to keep going right? So I would just ask random questions and bam he would go straight to asking what I am doing this day or that day. I didn't even realize it. And my friend is sitting there like omg, he likes you! I was in totally disbelief. Maybe he does, maybe we are just being girls and over analyzing everything and he really doesn't.
We shall see!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I went to the movies last night and to not look like a complete fool in front of the guy I was with I ate lots of candy and popcorn with him. I made sure I walked a lot though so I even though I ate more than I should've, the walking would keep my calorie intake down.
Today is my 600 calories intake day and I am allowed to eat about 150 more calories for the day. Which I should be good with. Hopefully. The only thing that sucks about the 2468 diet is that somedays 800 calories seem too much. I eat them of course, but I don't think I deserve to be allowed those calories. I feel like I am cheating by giving myself an 800 calorie day. Which is tomorrow.... :
I'm sick of feeling my fat thighs rubbing together. I am sick of not seeing my collar bones pop out more. I am sick of how many calories are in such small foods! I hate calories!!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Anyhow, so people have been calling me pretty A LOT lately. I don't know if its the new clothes or something but people keep telling me that I am a really pretty girl. And you know what? I think its bullshit. I can't be pretty, not with the fat I have circling around my stomach, thighs and arms. When that goes away then yeah maybe, I'll be pretty. But until then I refuse to believe their lies!! Oh, and I am still waiting for the day that a guy calls me pretty. I might believe it then a little bit more. Their opinion is the only one that would make a difference at this point. (I have issues)
But yeah my day was filled with drama and shitty friends that stab me in the back as I forgive them over and over again.
Also, i've always wanted to be that girl with the nice indie clothes and stuff. They always look so nice and put together. THINSPO!! :) (these pictures aren't all indie and stuff but I like them)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
On my break at work I searched around a store for ten minutes just looking at the calories on everything! And I found these and got them. I was so happy too because I didn't ruin anything for myself. I didn't eat the orange so my calorie intake for today was 230. Which I don't think is bad at all!
My sister made dinner when I got home so I just took it upstairs, did some chew and spit and threw the rest out.
I walked to and from work.
For eating only 230 calories I feel fucking fantastic!
It won't last I'm sure but I'm going to be glad for the moment.
You can do it too girls!!! I'm sending skinny vibes your way!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
2 4 6 8 diet!!!
I might as well try it out right? And I've already ruined today so I have to try tomorrow. I have been losing my motivation for the past couple of days but I won't let myself slip again. Nope. I need to lose this weight and I need to try so hard for days. I'll go on the 2468 diet until the 30th. That's my goal. To reach keep it going till then, that's all I need. Hopefully a couple pounds will shead by then.
Please keep me motivated!! I will try to keep you all motivated too! I'll post thinspo pictures, music and all that jazz.
Eden xox :)
So after the whole hospital mistake, I of course cut after things settled down. Just a couple lines near the top of my legs and that was only to get it out of my system, because I totally had the intent to stop. I really can't think of another reason that I wanted to stop besides I wasn't ready to die after that.
I started looking into reading the bible and stuff. I really did think that God gave me a second chance because I have no idea how I got the courage to stop or do anything I did. It still confuses me. So yeah I tried to read the bible and become more religious, I got like 3 bibles for Christmas because I told my family that I believed in God now. The rest of my family doesn't believe. Religion was never talked about growing up so as I was trying to do this I had no idea what to do or how to change my life. I felt like I was doing everything so wrong. It's harder than you think to just up and change your ways of thinking after not thinking that way for 16 years.
When I went back to school after Christmas break I was let down so bad. Because I really did want to change my life for the better but I noticed that no one around me changed. Obviously they had no idea about the shit that I had just been through. I told absolutely no one. Not one friend. Still haven't. And everyone treated me the same, no one cared about my feelings and it was just so hard to think about myself positively when no one else cared. Everything simmered down and eventually went back to the old ways.
I struggled this way for a couple of months, then my dad started going away every weekend leaving me alone. By this time I hated myself again because I just felt so ugly. I have always felt ugly but it blossomed more by this time and I needed to do something. So when I was home alone I would go on binges. Then I threw everything up. I did that every time I was alone for a couple months. Then I had a couple months when I stopped doing that, I am not sure how or why but I didn't do it anymore and I was neutral for a couple months after that.
Over the summer I lost a bunch of weight because I hardly saw any of my friends and it was easier to stop eating. When I look back it confuses me to see how much weight I lost in about 2 months because its way harder now. But thats besides the point.
I went back to school and started cutting again. I again felt more mature and new things were happening to me and I liked those new things. I was finally talking to all these boys and I would totally fall in love with them and it would turn out bad. My friends were peices of shit to me and I just took it because I had nothing else. I went back to the only thing I knew, the only thing that made me feel good because no one in my life was ever trying to make me feel good. No one ever cared. I knew that once I started cutting again I wouldn't stop, because there was no way in hell that I would put myself through the shit I went through last year. I would kill myself before that happened.
So heart break after heart break happened and every time a new guy would come along I would use it as a chance to think that maybe this one would change my life. I would stop cutting for them. They would understand. But that never happened and I was falling into a deeper mess that I had no idea how to get out of.
I stopped caring. I didn't feel right. Some days I felt nothing at all. I didn't think I belonged here. There was no purpose, there were no dreams, I felt lost in some cerebral nightmare and I didn't even want to get out again.
I was talking to a friend, one who is really spirital and stuff, about my boy problems and how I thought I was absolutely worthless without them, I don't understand why these things don't work out, how bad could I be? She told me that before I was ever going to be able to love someone or be loved I needed to love myself and find out who I truly was (which I had no idea who I was at this point). So thats what I did.
I went inside myself to find some sort of peace. I stopped cutting because I didn't have the urge to anymore, like I litteraly tried but I couldn't do it because I did nothing for me. And I found God again. I looked for myself and found God. Things automatically got better, I swear. For months I was so good! I was actually happy with myself.
(I know there is a lot of people out there who don't believe in God but this is what happened to me and I even though you might not think He was behind any of it, I know he was. Don't think I am preaching or anything because I wouldn't do that to anyone)
Happiness doesn't last long. I hated my self again. Started binging and purging, starving, absolutely disgusted in myself, thinking there is no other way to be happy again.
If it isn't cutting, its an eating disorder. One or the other. I can't ever be happy for long.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I was basically told today by one of my friends that I should give up because this guy might just not be that into me. We were watching the movie "He's just not that into you" in class and yeah, well that's what she said to me when we talked about my boy troubles. Brutally honest right? Because I want to talk to him and I want him to want to talk to me, but it doesn't seem to be going that way for me. I was told to give up.
Now giving up is a really bad thing for me to do. Because the thing I hate most is having to give up. I have had to give up so much in my life and I don't want to have to give up anymore. When I have to give up I get extremely depressed which leads to really bad things. Even if this guy is ugly (to some), a player, an asshole (to me...once, but I don't care if he hurts me) and all these other things people see in him I don't care because I WANT HIM. He is the only thing I have ever thought I had a chance with and I don't want to give up again. Now, your probably thinking this guys a douche and why the hell am I even bothering? Well to tell you the truth, I have a problem with going for the wrong guys. I don't think I deserve or have a chance with anything better so I refuse to think of the possibility of anything good happening. So I hurt myself again and again.
So, yeah I am completely discouraged, I don't know what to do. I want this boy so bad!! I want to say that yeah, I actually got what I wanted for a chance. I don't care if it ends bad, I just want a chance. Should I give up?
The scale was down a pound today. So I have only 2.2 pounds to lose to get to my next goal. I think it was my heart that shrank. Not my body.
I don't want to give up.
Second part of story tomorrow.
Let's hope I make it through the night. I don't feel so perfect right now.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
(My throat seems to be swelling and my hands shaking as I begin to write this. So this could be harder than I expected it to be... yep. definitely going to be hard...)
I had a job the summer the summer I turned 16 but for some reason I could not work. On top of hating this job I just had so much anxiety to go everyday. I would cry every morning because I didn't want to go. I called in sick at least 3 out of 5 days of the week. I just couldn't handle it so I quit, and I didn't tell my family before hand because they would tell me I'm stupid. I had a month all to myself before school started again and I finally agreed to get a tattoo (by this time I wanted one, my mom always wanted me to get one but I always said ew, no, until this point)
I got the tattoo a week before school started (gr.11, my school goes up till gr. 12 if yours doesn't) and I also agreed to smoke weed. With my family... not a normal teenager with friends, no my mother and older sister. So I went back to school with a totally different feeling. I felt way more mature. But I don't know why but I couldn't handle normal day things anymore. I just couldn't. I wanted something to help me because I didn't have anything at all. I had nothing that was mine. When I look back on it, the main reason (on top of LOADS of other things) was the fact that I needed something all my own to make me feel better because I felt so empty. I didn't have drugs, or I would've done that, but I had nothing else. So I cut. (on the verge of crying...)
The first time was wimpy little scratches on my leg. I have always cut on my leg because I could hide it. But I never stopped after the first time. Every damn day there were new cuts on my leg. I started to write a journal, that I have read over and over again and I can tell you that within the first week I had counted 70 cuts on my leg. Once I made 30 cuts in one sitting.
*Now when I cut, I don't do it majorly deep. I'm more of a scratcher, as long as their is blood coming out its good. The only problem is, is that once I started I couldn't stop until there are so many cuts. One was never good enough. Five was not good enough.
From that point on my days consisted on going home and cutting and my day wasn't complete until I cut. After the first couple of weeks there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cut. I wouldn't LET a day go by. I look back on it and realize that I was literally addicted. There was no cutting because I felt bad (of course there were days like that, but not everyday) I cut everyday because I was scared to let a day go by without cutting. SO SCARED. Who was I without it? I was no one. That was all I had!
So months progressed and it got really bad. I had no room on my legs, I cut my stomach but that produced nothing for me and eventually moved to my arms. And I was empty. So empty. I didn't make plans because I didn't think I had a future. Yes, I was so suicidal. I was planning my motherfucking suicide. I almost did on Halloween. I have ever since hated that day. And then I planned to do it during Christmas break. I was planning the letters to leave people, what I would say, who I would blame. Planning to slit my wrists. It was really bad.
By December I was a mess. I was taking way too many extra strength Tylenol all the time because I wanted to be close to dead. I didn't care anymore.
Now this is where it gets interesting...
One day I took extra strength Tylenol again but it was during school. So in my first period, the school nurse came to our class to do a little seminar on drugs and shit and I couldn't even concentrate, I couldn't sit still my mind was racing just as face as my blood. But she said something that I'll never forget, because it basically changed my life. She's like "most kids come to me because their depressed or something and I help them. Obviously if they were going to jump off a bridge I would have to tell somebody but other than that I am completely confidential". Right then and there I decided that after that class I would go to her and ask for help.
And I have no idea how I walked to the nurses office that day. I couldn't feel a thing, I don't know how I knew where to go or how to navigate the halls because my mind was literally blank. (I believe God had something to do with it, but you believe what you want)
When I got there I sat down nervous as hell. Literally! I'm like "ummm I really don't know what to do right now, or how to tell you, so maybe I'll just show you?" I pulled my sleeve up for what was about 2 seconds and shes like "your a cutter". My heart sank faster than she could get on the phone. She asked me a bunch of stupid questions and called the hospital to tell them that she was sending me there. (Yeah my heart was on fucking fire, I was thinking "what the hell! I didn't want to go to the hospital!! NO!!!") So she called a teacher that I used to love because she was so nice, she asked her to take me there and I went. I basically had no choice. My mind was blank and I just did whatever I was told.
When I got there I was into see one nurse and shes like what can I do for you? And I'm like ugh... I'm here cause I cut myself and I need to see something like a crisis nurse? and she told me she was glad I was getting help blah blah blah Tylenol will rot your liver blah blah blah, you could've overdosed. Then I saw a crisis nurse who was like, do you need to stay here over night? (in the motherfucking mental ward!) and I'm like no I definitely do NOT want to stay over night and they kept saying they don't want me to go home and hurt myself. I'm like hello I'm here because I want to stop I'm not going to go home and cut myself again. Then I saw the psychiatrist who hardly asked any questions and was like yep you have depression and anxiety, here are some safe pills come back in three months bye. (this is of course a really short explanation of all this, its already so long!!!)
So when I got home and told everyone, my mother was so disgusted, you could tell by the way she looked at me, my parents blamed music, books and everything but themselves. My sister said she was going to go through my room and take every sharp object out (which i totally objected because I didn't want her to find my journals) and I told everyone that I wanted this to be over please don't mention it again, I'm fine don't worry. And it was never mentioned again.
I'm going to stop here because this is super long and I don't want to bore you. Comment on this stuff so far and I'll post the rest tomorrow?
I checked the scale this morning, against my own will and it showed no gain and a little loss. I expected to be a couple of pounds heavier because of all the shit I've been putting in my mouth but I was really good. Although it was only a couple decimals down, its closer than I was before. And I've realized that I need to view how many pounds I need to lose in a different way. Instead of saying I need to be 147, I need to tell myself it is just 3.2 pounds away. Theres a different affect right?
So, yeah... I just wanted to post my feelings about how nothing seems worth it today... but things might change I don't know.
I will post my "testimony" tonight.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
#1(the most exciting thing): I finally got the courage, with the help of a very good friend, to talk to that boy. And guess what! he doesn't hate me!! ahaha, that's an accomplishment. (I am probably more excited than you are about that) I didn't really expect him to reply last night but low and behold he did. It just happen to be while I was sleeping. Whats up with these late nighters?
#2: My hair is done and my new outfit is on. I am sure I don't look bad but I always think I do. Changing this morning was a nightmare because I know the clothes could look SO MUCH BETTER. If only that one little fact were true: if I was skinny. But I am not.
As I was over my friends house last night we were taking and she told me some very interesting things about myself. She said "I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend. Your just so pretty, and so nice" And she wasn't just trying to make me feel better she was actually serious. But I just couldn't believe her. I'm like yeah well I'm fat, and ugly. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I am nice but you gotta get past my ugliness first. But she said I was wrong (being legit serious again) and it makes me think... maybe I actually am somewhat attractive... I wish I could see it!! :(
Yeah so I hope the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. Wish me luck with the boy!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010