Sunday, November 14, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

Party Night

I am supposed to go to a huge dance tonight.
I am going to be wearing a tight red dress and get all pretty.
I am going to get drunk and dance with all my friends.

So why do I feel like locking myself in my room?
Why do I NOT feel excited one bit.

I want to but I just can't....

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I feel like I have sooooo much to do
and I am sitting here wanting to do something
but I just cant.
I am in that mood.
Where nothing feels RIGHT

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sex Dream

(This post does talk about sex, and me, and can be a little personal. so beware)

Okay so this is what I remember about my dream last night:

I had a little sister (but I don't in real life) and me and her went to this boys house. There were like 3 or 4 boys who actually lived in the house. And in my dream it was the middle of the night when we went to this boys house. So my little sister was a virgin. One of the boys (all of them were my age 19ish) was interested in my little sister and wanted to have sex with her. So i let him. She thought she was more than ready and really really wanted to. At some point the guy that was interested in her was in his boxers and wanted me to feel his penis. It was huge....just saying. Then they went and had sex. At the same time there was a really cute boy interested in having sex with me. And I was so down for it. But he kept putting it off and i kept losing him. at one point he was sleeping in the other guys bedroom and i had to wake him up. So it was around early morning now because I spent all night trying to hangout with him. so when we actually had sex...he lasted for three seconds. very disappointing. then me and my little sister left, and i think there were train tracks or something.

It was a really intense dream and i remember the feelings like i was actually there.

Maybe i should add some of the context about my life that might influence this dream:

people have told me im addicted to sex. for many reasons. i dont disagree.

everyone i can have sex with live in a different city than me (i moved far away for university) so i have no one to release my sexual frustration to.

i miss it.

At this point I think that sex does have a big influence in my whole life. Since I had the dream i think about it a lot. with past sexual partners. because thats all i can do here. is THINK about it. i can't actually DO anything

Its a big problem for me and my dreams are not helping.

Love, Eden xoxo

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Life

There is something that has been really pissing me off about this world lately. It the fact that no one lives for themselves anymore. We can't live our OWN LIVES. We live for and through other people.

We can't do certain things because we can't offend other people, we do not want to wear certain things, say things or do things because in the back of our minds we always are thinking "what will someone else think" WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER! ITS MY LIVE! I shouldn't care what other people think or say because that's them, not me. But we always do that and we always will.

Why does it matter how skinny we are? Why does it matter that we have embarrassing pimples on our face or even the colour of our own damn skin. Why does that make you better than me?

I can do a lot of pretty damn amazing things.
I can be your best fucking friends.
I can change your mother fucking life.

But I can't. Because you can't see who I am as a person. We hide ourselves because we think that other people won't accept our true selves. And we are right. They won't. But why?

As far as I know we have one life. But we only live half of it. Who told us to do so? I want to do everything I want to do. Because its MY fucking life. Not yours. I don't want to care about what you say.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I haven't been on blogger in a while.

A) because life happens
B) i didn't have any "problems" (or at least i thought) to talk about

Well I am at the point again where I just can't sit here and think about everything. It should not be stuck in my head. Its too much for one person to handle. So I thought I would go back to my old blog because it is just too much work to start a new one with no followers. At least with this one, there is a good chance that people might read it.

I am actually surprised at how many of the people I followed are still going strong. Main word being strong. Because they are. So that gave me the courage to come back and keep telling my story.

A few updates about me that I feel are relevant to post on my returning are:

1)Eating is not longer a day by day issue
(I think that there are many more issues that concern my time. Not saying that I don't think about it from time to time. Fuck yes I do)

2)I recently started cutting again.
(Not sure how I feel about that...)

3) I am in university. Living in a residence setting, with roommates and a very demanding school work schedule.

I think that telling you about everything that I have been through since I stopped posting would take a very long time and I don't think I am ready for that. So if I bring things up, please take it as it is, as my personal journal for all of you to read, understand and relate to.

I hope that my old followers will still want to hear about me, even if they do not remember me at all and I also hope to receive new ones, and meet other people.

Love, Eden.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

You really can't trust people anymore.

They only one you can trust is yourself, and thats it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

stoned rants.

I need to start blogging more. I really do, I miss reading everyone's blog. We all have a lot in common.

So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.

I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.

When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.

Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.

Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah

If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.

And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.

What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?

My answer:
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I'm pretty sure I haven't updated in a while, it seems like a month to me.

Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.

It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.

Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.

He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.

Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.

I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.

All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.

Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first

Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!

Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

keep it up while its there.

Things are starting to settle down and I no longer feel the need to just hide or throw it all away. But these damn life experiences keep changing me. I am a totally different person.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...childish fantasies of real love have flown out the window.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...I keep getting a glimpse of reality and into what people really do behind my "rose tinted glass"

Since sex has been introduced into my seems to be the only thing people want from me. and I've learned that I can just give and take from people.

Since sex has been introduced into my innocence has disappeared.

I fell for the biggest dick in the planet. A dick who knows just how much of a dick he is to me and doesn't really care, he actually finds it funny.

So I don't care about him anymore. I'll use him just as much as he uses me.

But prince charming is knocking at my door now. The sweetest boy ever. He would never hurt me and I know he wouldn't. The problem now is....I can hurt him. and bad.

Because I no longer want the cute little dating scene.

I want the dick. Because I can't let go of my first. I just can't. No matter how bad he is for me, no matter how good prince charming is.

Something keeps telling me that I need to hold on...just for a bit longer.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

mood swings.

I don't know if I can handle all of these changes in emotions. If things go bad, I have a bad week, and during that week I will have a bad outlook on everything which in turn will make everything look worse than it is.
But when things go okay, like they are at the moment, and things don't seem too shabby.

I can make it through the day without wanting to crawl in bed and stay there forever.
I have confidence in myself that I know what I am doing and that I have some control (even though control has totally left the building at this point).

The balance of good and bad is not there anymore.

I have no idea when things will turn for the worse.

But, for now I am okay. And that's all I need right now. Is just to be okay. Because life goes on and things happen but no matter what...things will be okay...even if its just for a little while.

I pray that all of you will be okay :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

When I started this blog, and started following all of you lovely ladies, I was so innocent. I basically had all the time in the world to do what ever I wanted. I wasn't attached emotionally to people, well...maybe a little. But not like now. Now it feels that these people have complete control over me. Over my emotions. One little thing can set me off. Literally. I can't take this anymore. Everything overwhelms me.

And I feel like I'm fucking crazy. The emotions that run through my head, the way I react to things, the way I view certain situations. It's like totally different from everyone else and I sit there wondering why I can't see things the way everyone else does. Things seem perfectly rational at first...then they tell me I'm wrong or overreacting and its like...why? Is it really that bad to view things that way?
And so tonight I am left alone. And no one seems to care. I'm not that important to them anyways.

I wish I could be perfect for everyone.

I wish I didn't have to attach emotionally to these people.

I wish I didn't hurt when they tell me they don't care about me.

I wish that was enough to walk away.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well thats alright because I like the way it hurts."
Listen to Eminem ft. Rhianna- I love the way you lie.
Its a good song.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

You would be ashamed of me.

And the things I've done.

I'm even ashamed in me.

I've hurt people that are so close to me,

because I don't care what I put myself through.

The retaliation comes after,

the selfish thoughts of how MY life will go on,

not how other people feel,

because that doesn't matter to me.

Even though it should.

I used to be so innocent, just a month ago.

Now I am lost.

I don't know who I am anymore,

where I stand on things,

what I believe.

I really don't care who uses me,

as long as its me that they want to use.

As long as they want me in some form.

I look at cute couples holding hands,

people in love,

guys who actually care about girls,

people kissing.

I realize that isn't for me.

It will never happen.

It doesn't matter if people say "you deserve better"

Because if I did, then would I be having that?

Well....I accept this love, or what ever it is.

I am just a play thing now.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

thank you everyone.

I really do mean that. It means a lot to hear that you come on here to listen to me, because there are some things people just can't understand. And I know you all do.

I feel like I am watching my life through a mirror. Like I am seeing it happen but it is not affecting me. I am letting it happen and I want to see more?

I feel like one of those people who sit in rehab or therapy and they are so traumatized, they go through the events in their life, put two and two together, go through their experiences and realize all the messed up things that happened to them, they start to realize they could've done better, that they are messed up because of the horrible things that happened. I feel that I am going through those messed up life experiences, ones that will make me want to somehow block those things later on in life. May it be drugs or whatever.

Its bad but for some reason I don't think it is.

My friend sat there last night crying in front of me because of all the stuff I'm going through. She was crying because its so messed up and I don't deserve it.

I sat there smiling because I felt that there was nothing I could do. I didn't feel sad, mad, or anything. I tried to cry, couldn't, then stopped trying.

All I know is that nobody can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Nothing seems to compare. This all seems like a joke to me.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I find every single outlet for pain. To mess my life up. To scar myself inside and out. But it happens. And I let it.

The people who try to look out for me can't help me anymore.

I'll end up pushing them away because of this. I know it.

All I can hope is that they will be there for me when the tears come, when the emotions reach the top and explode.

Thank you for taking the time to read this :)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

How can I go through my entire life only finding ways to hurt myself. I used to think girls who let guys use them all the time were a joke. Now I understand how easy it is. Sometimes you get lost in a world and the only thing you have left is that. To be used. To be fucked. To tell a guy you'll suck his dick just so that he will want to see you again while others in the background tell you you are making a huge mistake and you deserve better.

Well if I deserved better I would have had it by now. But no, this is what I deserve. This is what I will take.

I wish I looked like a beauty queen. All you girls are fighting to stay under your calorie limits. I think I am too depressed to eat. I'm starving my body and I don't even care.

I am sure the time will come back, where I have nothing but food to think about.

But it is the last thing on my mind. I eat to survive now. I have to literally force myself to eat something because with out it I pass out. And even then I don't eat much.

So my body continues to shrink.

I am sorry that I don't talk about ED stuff anymore. All of you are probably looking for some sort of thinspo and I don't see how you can find it here.

Not even sure why you guys would read my blog. Its so depressing. I am sorry.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I gave him what he wanted that night.

Gave him everything.

Now I have to do everything in my power to keep him wanting me.

Even if that means just fucking him.

I will not be a one night stand.

I won't just let him forget me.

I don't understand how people can just tell me to forget about him.

If he has every intention to just use me...then at least he wants me still.
I gave him my virginity (in the most unromantic way...)

Now I have no idea what to do.

I'm making it way to easy for him to use me.

But now that's the only thing I know...

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Yeah so I've been having a really hard couple of days. But I have a theory.

So during the week, the good days and the bad days have to even themselves out. I can never have a really good week and leave it at that. No, there has to be bad days to make up for it. There is always a balance.

So my theory is that if I've been having a really bad, terrible, really bad couple of days, then I must be having some really really good days ahead of me. And I am thinking that tomorrow will be that start of that. That's my plan, that I won't let anything get me down tomorrow because it just has to be a good day. It just has to.

I was talking to the boy yesterday, stayed up all night texting him. The topic of my virginity came up and he asked why I still was one. I told him that I am not ready to have sex, that I am waiting for a boy to realize that I am better than just sex. So it is out there now, I don't have to think of the consequences anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point.

I will say no. If he doesn't want me then there is nothing more I can do. I'm willing to give him everything, its his choice to take it.

Thank you to all who have been commenting my blog, helping me realize that I am not alone in this. I read all of your blogs when I have time.

We all need to stay strong. I'm hanging on just as tight as you are.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

pretend that you're alive again.

Its amazing how fast I can shut down. How any emotion, good or bad can no longer to exist. Just disappear and I can't find them again.

I snapped today.

Went under and I want to get back up.

"I don't feel real, I don't feel right."

Suicide is a fantasy when your like this. It replays in your head like a dream. And boy am I dreaming. Some days it seems so much easier to give up.

"So fall in love while you can, still hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive again."

I want to disappear. Open up my skin and let all this out.

I hate these days. I want to get it over with.

Being in love is too scary for me. I'm scared to death of sex. I don't want to lose him because of that.

People say "if he doesn't understand then he isn't right for you." But I want him to understand. I want him! I want him!!!!!

I couldn't imagine showing my scars.

That's why is seems so much better to just end it all.

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get through the day.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

the beauty of the human mind

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."
Bernard Edmonds

I wrote down my goals, established what I wanted to do and now I am making it happen. I don't know how, but its happening.

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days) *Losing weight is getting easier now*
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else. *I hope he thinks about me as much as I think about him*
5)Have a date for prom *Might happen*
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. *This has been done for me*
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party *Had my own house party*
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...) *This is a hard one, especially with so many uncertainties.

They guy I like definitely likes me back. We both know we like each other. We both can't wait till the next time we see each other.

This may be the last weekend I am single. Which is a terrifying thought.

I am so scared that he will change his mind about me.

I want to wait to have sex, he doesn't seem to be the type to wait. I don't know how I'd be able to handle myself if I gave in. I don't know how I'd handle myself if he decided I wasn't worth waiting for.

Maybe he really won't care. But I never know, so I think about it all the time.

I just got to keep telling myself that he is just as shy as I am and it isn't easy for him. He probably doesn't know what the heck he is doing any more than I do.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I wish I wasn't irrational about things. Do you ever get really upset over something that you just assume is going bad, but you really don't know and then things turn out fine and and you regret ever being upset. Ya, I feel that way about my entire life.

I regret cutting fat and ugly on my legs. Because what if a person sees those? What will they think? "Wow, shes got issues"
Something that seems so overwhelming at the moment can turn out fine. But you never want to wait to see if it turns out okay.

In a book I read once it said that when he was a kid, his dad would tell him to finish his plate because kids are starving in Africa but you shouldn't say that. Because it doesn't change the fact that your too upset to finish your plate.

Saying it will all turn out okay can't take away the fact that it isn't right now. It won't change anything.

So, I never tell people kids are starving in Africa.

I think I am ranting. But I just wanted to post something, cause I feel bad that everyone is still struggling and I have nothing good to say. I don't have a scale but I know I am starving.

My stomach won't let me eat anything.

Which is a good thing. For now.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Ah, so my life goes on, and I have new experiences that will make me different. They have the chance to blow up in my face and destroy me. So I am sitting here waiting for things to move quickly. Rip it off like a bandaid. I want to say everything will turn out exactly how I plan. But I never know. And I want to know.
I was extremely drunk on friday, made out with the boy I liked all night. Pretty much it was my first kiss. I wish I could remember how that first kiss felt. I only remember the 3rd, 5th, 10th etc. Not the first. I was so close to having sex, and that would have ruined me.

The good thing is, is that the guy is not ignoring me. There is a really good chance he could actually like me.

If he doesn't I would die.

I told myself to not fall so hard. And I did. And I could be ruined for it.

My stomach has not been letting me eat. I could usually stuff my face, and stuff so much food down this fat trap of mine. But now I can't. I cant finish anything. There is always food left over. I am losing weight. I am just not sure how the heck my appetite can be so screwed up.

I feel like I am killing myself.
I would try anything to hurt myself.

The memories almost bring tears to my eyes. Because I can feel the hurt already if things don't work out. If he doesn't want me.
So, I'll wait. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


So I pretty much stuffed my face today. I went out with the guys that I told you about earlier, ate a lot with them. Came home and realized that since I wasn't full I'm just going to have a peice of cake!

I do feel really empty though. Not in the food sense.

I just don't know what I want any more. And I feel that if I no longer want the things that I thought I did, then there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

I need something to look forward to, something with hope. Because without it I am empty.

I felt better when I was starving myself. I haven't been doing that in a long time since things have been so screwed up. Will things ever go back to the way it was? So that I can go back to being me.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

where am i?

Nothing is really too new with me. I have been binging a lot lately but that is because I am in such a rut.

I am in that sort of state where I think I have lost myself again... I thought I had it all figured out before hand. Then all this drama happened, it changed me, and I have no idea who I am anymore. I just sort of realized that.
And I am in no such mood to go and "look for myself" again. It is way too much work.

So, for now I am just living... not really sure how. But it is happening.

I am getting really close with my guy best friend. People are noticing, saying I should go to prom with him and date him. But I know that's not what he is looking for. I am just one of his best friends but I know people will get their business into it and make things awkward for us. I am not sure if I like him in that way. He is just the best guy friend that I have had, like ever. I don't want to lose him just because girls want to be all girly and try to hook us up.

I am going to be drinking with him and the guy that I like (the one that ditched me) on friday and I am really excited to just let go. To have so much fun. Especially with these people. And I've heard that the guy I like is really good at persuading people into getting really reallly drunk. But at this point, if I am in the corner making out with him hardcore, I really don't care.

Not for the fact that I want to make out with him. But I kind of want to play him at his own game type thing? Like if he is a player, that's fine, I'll just be one right along with him and see how much he likes it.

"I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start

I'm only gonna break your heart"

Eden xox

Monday, May 3, 2010

Missing something.

It is beautiful outside today, and I realized that for the first time, I actually miss wearing shorts, and being able to go swimming. Like of course seeing my legs in short shorts would be a horrible sight, and me in a bathing suit would be 5 times worse... but I don't even get a chance to wear those things because of the scars running up and down my legs. It's been two years and I just finally feel that loss.

Also, how can one slice of pizza be 1000 calories!! I went to Pizza Pizza today at lunch and the slice I had turns out to be 1000 calories! Hot damn. I never win. I did probably work off 400 of those calories.... but still. I just want to be able to say no to every single type of food because the thought of the flippin calories is horrible.

I will say this yet again my dear friends, I am dying without my scale!! None of this even is worth it without knowing if I am losing.

Im about to go grocery shopping... not looking forward to that at all.

Eden xox

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Ohh! I was tagged in a blog (Mia H) and I get to answer questions! This seems fun and I'm excited! :D

1. What is your number one dream in life?

My biggest dream was to eventually move to Ireland or England and live in a secluded house and just live a happy life. Hmm, maybe I just want to live without restrictions. Like obviously my looks are a restriction right now. If I was just perfect I think everything would just be so much better. Maybe I just dream that I can live the life that I want. To be able to do all the things I ever dreamed of. To be able to live that long to get a chance to do that.

2. What one thing depresses you most (other than being fat)?

I am trying to find a good answer to that but I can't. The only thing I can put a name on it is other people. Other people depress the hell out of me. They seem to be the one thing that can just suck the life out of me if they say or do something. Or sometimes there wouldn't be a specific thing, I would just snap and go into a depressed state. Nothing would really trigger it.

3. If you were running out of your burning house, which one item would you grab and take with you? Why?
My cell phone, which sounds really sad that I can't live without my phone but I need it, so I can text everyone telling them my house was burning down ahah. If I was sleeping naked (which I never do) I would would definitely get clothes or something. I am terrified of dying naked. I don't know why.

4. Name 3 music bands you really like.

I like hip hop/rap/ club music, screaming/alternative/ punk aaannnndd... oldies, like Bruce Springsteen and the smiths. Any song that has a weird sort of vibe, I dig it.

5. Is there one question that you have asked yourself day after day and can't seem to get the answer? What is it?

Hmm.... I'm usually just plain confused about everything. But the thing that I seem to ask everyday is "Does everyone else see what I see?". Like has anyone heard the thing were the colour blue that you see might not be the colour blue that other people see. Well what if what you see isn't how other people are seeing it. Do they feel the way I feel? I don't know if that makes sense...but ya.

6. What is your favourite weather? Why?

I like the fall. I don't know why but the whole Halloween feel and the leaves on the ground is my favourite. I don't like the winter so much or the summer. I am not a summer fan at all.

7. Are you addicted to anything or think you might be? What is it?

I used to be majorly addicted to cutting like you all know but at the moment, nothing. I just know I have a very addictive personality. If I knew where to get heroin, I'd probably be addicted to that.

I hope that answers your questions!!

My mom told me I look like I am losing weight today... that doesn't make me feel any better. I need to know how much I weigh!! Godamn I need a scale.

I had a fantastic day today. I didn't try hard to do anything and then plans just fell right into my hands. This seems to be happening a lot lately. I just establish what I need to do and what is important and then it happens. Its messed. I hope this means the good is coming.
I want to answer more questions!!! Please post a comment asking me anything!!! This is fun.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I wish I had something better to say.

My days revolve around school or work and sleeping.

I really haven't done much else.

I have eating like a normal person would and I hate it.

Not binging, but it is still bad.

When will this messed up week be over!

It can't be normal to sleep the amount that I sleep.

I just feel so exhausted when I get home.

Then I wake up starving, eat and then go back to sleep.

What the hell!?!?!?

I don't have a scale and it is making me so mad!!

I want to know what I weigh!

Eden xox.

Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm lost

I don't know how to live this life.

I was quiet, reserved and didn't have any drama in my life.

Now I don't have any time to myself, to concentrate on things, people are talking shit behind my back and i can't seem to get away from this drama.

I don't even care about these things. Its not upsetting me its just I am sick of immature people! GROW UP.

I want to stop eating but everything has been so messed up lately.

I hate seeing my fat.

Gosh, I don't even know anymore.
Eden xox

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm Back!!

I have been going through so much drama this week. It is quite ridiculous. I had to get rid of a best friend, some other friends, became closer with people I never thought I would, became almost best friends with the best guy I know.

My nerves have been in such a jumble. I have been soo busy too. This is the first day that I have had a day to just chill at home. This is much needed.

I have at least gotten somewhat of a break during all of this though. I have had no appetite. And when I did eat, I didn't eat much. I never wanted to binge at all. I never thought about calories, or even worried about how much I was eating because I probably ate less than 1000 calories a day, if that. I walked so much too. Another thing, you probably don't want to know this, but I had no need for laxatives either. My body was cleaning itself out majorly!! All the stress wasn't for me I guess. Good right?

I've realized that I am such a good person and some people don't realize it. Well, it is too late for them. Then there are some other people who do see it, and appreciate me and treat me so good. I am so glad to have those people in my life right now!
My scale broke, I have no idea how much I weigh. I really want to know how much I weigh!!

I wrote these goals last Friday... some of them happened without me trying.

Motives and Goals for the next two months:

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days)
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else.
5)Have a date for prom
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. (This has been done for me)
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...)

1)Fit into size 5 jeans and size medium perfectly.
2)Never have to look at muffin tops
3)Have my thighs touch less
4)Wear clothes that I think are gorgeous and not just what fits.
5)Arms need to be less fat
6)Collar bones stick out
7)Hip bones stick out more
8)Feel my ribs stick out when laying down (more than they already do)
9)Be able to take compliments without thinking its a lie
10)Be beautiful, in my eyes.

Good things are really starting to happen.

I have also established that if this boy doesn't realize how good I am for him, that his problem. I don't have the energy to get upset about every time he decides to be an asshole.

I am better than that.
I have had the chance throughout the week to see your blogs, and I have noticed a lot of you are posting pictures of you body! I wish I could do that!! But I am telling you, it is so ugly... You guys are in much better shape than me. I have not seen a grotesque image yet.
You are all beautiful!!
Anyways, I am so ready for all this drama to end, so that I can start living this whole new life. I feel that I have just let go a stage in my life and moved on to the next one. I have let go of things that held me back and I feel that things will be way more different.
I am excited.
Eden xox.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Things are a mess.

Things are going to change a lot for me.
I haven't even had time to deal with all of this.
It has just been such a bad week.
I am so ready for the good to start coming.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mmmm yeah so I am think that I am totally overreacting about the whole thing. Like, ya sure I should be mad. Like I have been excited to hang out with him all week. Hoping that maybe, just maybe things would be different this time. That all my friends who said "I don't trust him, he looks like a dick" would be wrong and that I would be living proof of how amazing this boy could be. But Life hates me.

Instead of dwelling on how alone I felt. I just masked it. Or, my body did all the masking for me because I didn't even need to try to pretend that I wasn't feeling anything because I really wasn't. I still can't feel any sort of emotion. I got majorly high last night, totally tripped out to the point where I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I still kind of feel that way now, which is really scaring me. Like who takes a shower and FORGETS to wash their hair?!?! Like what the hell did I do in the shower for 10 minutes and not wash my hair? Oh, and don't text the guy you like when your tripping out because it is so confusing. Um yeah, you probably don't want to hear about all this. You probably think I'm some sort of a druggy.

My teeth hurt so bad. I feel like I have lost my mind. HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!! HOW WILL I FUNCTION!!

Its scarier than you think.

Monday, April 26, 2010

he ditched.

Just like I knew he would.

I don't know how to feel. I am kind of numb at this point.

It will come though.

The tears.

Nothing good can come from this.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

How bad can I be? How ugly am I? Don't I deserve something?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

relapsing SUCKS

I am so sorry that I disappointed all of you. I just didn't wait. I couldn't. One little thing happened and I snapped. I said I can't do this anymore and just hacked away at my legs. It was horrible.

If you ever want a boost of confidence, cut the words fat and ugly on your legs. (sarcasm)

Every cut I made took away all the confidence I had in me, the little that I had to begin with. I was left with nothing. I felt so alone.

I was so depressed after that because I needed that confidence back. I needed it more now then ever and I couldn't go on with out it. So I built myself back up. Little by little. I could not stay in that state of mind for very long. It was so hard. But I got some of myself back.

I know that I still have those cuts on my legs, that have to heal. But as they do, I will heal along with them.

I am worth it. I am beautiful and I will only get more beautiful. I have the best friends in the world. Not a lot of them, but the ones I have are amazing. My body does not deserve any more cuts.

Thank you for all of your support. I know I am not alone in this.

I think I am going to take this weekend and get a list of my goals and motives together just like ElikaPeka23 did (shes amazing!) and try to find that confidence again.

I am so glad to have all of you!!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Albert Einstein
I'll be posting again on Tuesday maybe :)

Eden xox.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm far from lonely, and its all that I've got

Is it weird to know that I have been thinking about one thing for about 2 weeks. And that thing would be cutting. Its always in the back of my mind teasing me. Telling me just one cut. It feels so good and a couple won't hurt you. Your legs are already scared enough, you won't be wearing shorts for a long time. One cut. Do it.
I am so happy and hopeful and all I want to do is cut?? What the heck is wrong with me. My mind is screwed up. Its like I feel that I don't deserve this happiness. That I need to control these feelings and not let myself get too happy. My mind hates happiness. Just one fucking cut. Just to remember what it felt like.

Oh My GOD.

This is so scary!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I'm going to try to get through this and let Monday happen before I get to out of control. I don't know. I don't know if it will happen until it does. I just really hope I don't relapse. The craving is strong.

Is it possible to look horrible in absolutely everything I own! I took me so long to get dressed this morning because I had to change and re try on so many shirts. I kept saying to myself "wow, I look like a big bag of douche" Not just a regular bag of douche, a BIG bag of douche. wow, when I think of that its kinda gross? Either way, I think I look horrible. I don't even want to go to school because I think I look so gross.

I am going to try to not eat so much. I'm tired of ruining everything.

Excited to see the boy at school today! (He keeps texting me :D)

Eden xox.

Oh, and thank for all the support girls! Your so lovely :D

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I am so disgusted with myself. I didn't want to eat. I went to Tim Hortons with my mom and ate bad! I didn't think that it was that bad at the time. but I went on the website, they have a calculator and i added up everything I ate.

1200 calories.

Oh. My. Gosh.

When it showed that I started to cry.

I feel like going to my room, crawling in a ball and never coming back out again.


Its never too late to be who you might have been

I am not sure if this is even really her? But if it is then its great thinspo right? Shes gorgeous, you got to admit.

I don't even want to eat today. I feel that if I do then I am sabotaging myself. I want to be the best I can be by Monday and that means if I can lose 2 pounds by then, then I will try my darnest. I just have no want in me to eat anything. But, it is the morning and I don't want to say that I plan on eating nothing because if I do, it will be a lie, and I would be lying to everyone. I am going to try to stick to under 200 calories anyways but if it goes to just liquids that's fine.

This guy might actual like me and that is so weird! Looking back on the texts, he tried to ask me to hang out like 3 times yesterday and I said I was busy not even thinking of what his intention was. Like I just wanted the conversation to keep going right? So I would just ask random questions and bam he would go straight to asking what I am doing this day or that day. I didn't even realize it. And my friend is sitting there like omg, he likes you! I was in totally disbelief. Maybe he does, maybe we are just being girls and over analyzing everything and he really doesn't.

We shall see!

Eden xox

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

reality check.

Do you ever have any random bursts of reality? I've been having a lot of those lately. I feel that I live my live through a "rose tinted glass" and I see the world as a beautiful place and when ever there is a chance of knowing the bad side I ignore it because I don't need to see the bad side. So I live one way, and then through out the day I get a reality check (literally) because I see things a different way then I usually do and it scares me because I am not sure which life I want to live. Reality makes sense to me. Everything that happens just makes sense. But it never stays. I want it to stay because I feel like I get the world and whatever happens in it. I feel superior. Then I go to my normal state where things confuse and scare me and I ignore my feelings because I don't understand them. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I have very good news ladies!! The boy I like texted me today, we had a whole conversation, and I got the courage to ask him to the movies on Monday. AND HE SAID YES! SO excited :D But I am the type of person who doesn't believe it till it happens. There is always a chance he could ditch, or something else will come up. I don't know. But there is a little sunshine coming my way today and there may be a little happiness??

Never give up girls! Don't ever let anyone tell you to give up! Because no one can tell you the outcome of a situation until you experience the end.
Eden xox

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

pretty scared.

So, with all the pretty new clothes I bought and have been wearing all week I seem to be getting a lot of attention and compliments. (the only sad thing is, is that the guy i like hasn't been around enough to notice or anything, but his friends have sure noticed) I get told I'm pretty more often, like I have told you in previous posts and to be completely honest, it kind of scares me. I was never the pretty one and I never had money to buy nice clothes that fit me or that showed off what I got and now that I actually try I feel like going and wearing sweats and baggy clothes and hiding in a corner. Because I am so NOT used to this attention and I don't know what to do with it. I really don't. It scares me.

I went to the movies last night and to not look like a complete fool in front of the guy I was with I ate lots of candy and popcorn with him. I made sure I walked a lot though so I even though I ate more than I should've, the walking would keep my calorie intake down.

Today is my 600 calories intake day and I am allowed to eat about 150 more calories for the day. Which I should be good with. Hopefully. The only thing that sucks about the 2468 diet is that somedays 800 calories seem too much. I eat them of course, but I don't think I deserve to be allowed those calories. I feel like I am cheating by giving myself an 800 calorie day. Which is tomorrow.... :

I'm sick of feeling my fat thighs rubbing together. I am sick of not seeing my collar bones pop out more. I am sick of how many calories are in such small foods! I hate calories!!!

Eden xox.

Monday, April 19, 2010

"Yes Please" to Thin

hmm... so this is supposed to be my 400 calorie day and I've eaten 820? Which sucks balls. Why do I disappoint myself! I've already done an hour of walking (30 minutes each) and I need to walk 130 minutes to burn 420 calories (according to and I am probably going to walk loads tonight. So if I do that walking and don't eat anything else I could would be in the 400 calorie range. I really hope I don't screw up.

Anyhow, so people have been calling me pretty A LOT lately. I don't know if its the new clothes or something but people keep telling me that I am a really pretty girl. And you know what? I think its bullshit. I can't be pretty, not with the fat I have circling around my stomach, thighs and arms. When that goes away then yeah maybe, I'll be pretty. But until then I refuse to believe their lies!! Oh, and I am still waiting for the day that a guy calls me pretty. I might believe it then a little bit more. Their opinion is the only one that would make a difference at this point. (I have issues)

But yeah my day was filled with drama and shitty friends that stab me in the back as I forgive them over and over again.

Also, i've always wanted to be that girl with the nice indie clothes and stuff. They always look so nice and put together. THINSPO!! :) (these pictures aren't all indie and stuff but I like them)

Eden xox

Sunday, April 18, 2010

the best thing ever invented!

These chocolate bars will be my crack! I swear they are sooo good! And guess what? 160 calories!!!

On my break at work I searched around a store for ten minutes just looking at the calories on everything! And I found these and got them. I was so happy too because I didn't ruin anything for myself. I didn't eat the orange so my calorie intake for today was 230. Which I don't think is bad at all!

My sister made dinner when I got home so I just took it upstairs, did some chew and spit and threw the rest out.

I walked to and from work.

For eating only 230 calories I feel fucking fantastic!

It won't last I'm sure but I'm going to be glad for the moment.

You can do it too girls!!! I'm sending skinny vibes your way!

Eden xox

day 1.

The fist day of my diet will go well I swear! I got all of my food frustrations and cravings out of my head yesterday and I won't let myself screw up.

My plan today:

Chicken Noodle Soup: (70)
Orange: (65)
Coffee: (45)

Total: (180)

I know I can do this.


Eden xox!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Not going to stop moving.

I going to go in to super hardcore over drive weight loss mode tomorrow. I swear I am. Hold it to me ladies.

2 4 6 8 diet!!!

I might as well try it out right? And I've already ruined today so I have to try tomorrow. I have been losing my motivation for the past couple of days but I won't let myself slip again. Nope. I need to lose this weight and I need to try so hard for days. I'll go on the 2468 diet until the 30th. That's my goal. To reach keep it going till then, that's all I need. Hopefully a couple pounds will shead by then.

Please keep me motivated!! I will try to keep you all motivated too! I'll post thinspo pictures, music and all that jazz.
Eden xox :)

part 2.

**I just want to let you know that if anything in here is triggering for you I am so so so sorry. I would never want any type of bad feelings to spring up because of my words. It might not, but I feel safe warning you first. I am sorry.

So after the whole hospital mistake, I of course cut after things settled down. Just a couple lines near the top of my legs and that was only to get it out of my system, because I totally had the intent to stop. I really can't think of another reason that I wanted to stop besides I wasn't ready to die after that.

I started looking into reading the bible and stuff. I really did think that God gave me a second chance because I have no idea how I got the courage to stop or do anything I did. It still confuses me. So yeah I tried to read the bible and become more religious, I got like 3 bibles for Christmas because I told my family that I believed in God now. The rest of my family doesn't believe. Religion was never talked about growing up so as I was trying to do this I had no idea what to do or how to change my life. I felt like I was doing everything so wrong. It's harder than you think to just up and change your ways of thinking after not thinking that way for 16 years.

When I went back to school after Christmas break I was let down so bad. Because I really did want to change my life for the better but I noticed that no one around me changed. Obviously they had no idea about the shit that I had just been through. I told absolutely no one. Not one friend. Still haven't. And everyone treated me the same, no one cared about my feelings and it was just so hard to think about myself positively when no one else cared. Everything simmered down and eventually went back to the old ways.

I struggled this way for a couple of months, then my dad started going away every weekend leaving me alone. By this time I hated myself again because I just felt so ugly. I have always felt ugly but it blossomed more by this time and I needed to do something. So when I was home alone I would go on binges. Then I threw everything up. I did that every time I was alone for a couple months. Then I had a couple months when I stopped doing that, I am not sure how or why but I didn't do it anymore and I was neutral for a couple months after that.

Over the summer I lost a bunch of weight because I hardly saw any of my friends and it was easier to stop eating. When I look back it confuses me to see how much weight I lost in about 2 months because its way harder now. But thats besides the point.

I went back to school and started cutting again. I again felt more mature and new things were happening to me and I liked those new things. I was finally talking to all these boys and I would totally fall in love with them and it would turn out bad. My friends were peices of shit to me and I just took it because I had nothing else. I went back to the only thing I knew, the only thing that made me feel good because no one in my life was ever trying to make me feel good. No one ever cared. I knew that once I started cutting again I wouldn't stop, because there was no way in hell that I would put myself through the shit I went through last year. I would kill myself before that happened.

So heart break after heart break happened and every time a new guy would come along I would use it as a chance to think that maybe this one would change my life. I would stop cutting for them. They would understand. But that never happened and I was falling into a deeper mess that I had no idea how to get out of.

I stopped caring. I didn't feel right. Some days I felt nothing at all. I didn't think I belonged here. There was no purpose, there were no dreams, I felt lost in some cerebral nightmare and I didn't even want to get out again.

I was talking to a friend, one who is really spirital and stuff, about my boy problems and how I thought I was absolutely worthless without them, I don't understand why these things don't work out, how bad could I be? She told me that before I was ever going to be able to love someone or be loved I needed to love myself and find out who I truly was (which I had no idea who I was at this point). So thats what I did.

I went inside myself to find some sort of peace. I stopped cutting because I didn't have the urge to anymore, like I litteraly tried but I couldn't do it because I did nothing for me. And I found God again. I looked for myself and found God. Things automatically got better, I swear. For months I was so good! I was actually happy with myself.

(I know there is a lot of people out there who don't believe in God but this is what happened to me and I even though you might not think He was behind any of it, I know he was. Don't think I am preaching or anything because I wouldn't do that to anyone)

Happiness doesn't last long. I hated my self again. Started binging and purging, starving, absolutely disgusted in myself, thinking there is no other way to be happy again.

If it isn't cutting, its an eating disorder. One or the other. I can't ever be happy for long.

And here I am.
And everyday is a struggle. Everyday I see my scars, everyday I fight with myself to not start cutting again.
So yeah, the long and short of it. We all have different experieces but I am sure some of you can relate.

Friday, April 16, 2010

down a size and a half.

I feel absolutely crushed today. It started out so well too. But good things never last. I am just going to tell you about my day because yesterday I forgot to take into consideration that I have to work tonight and I don't have enough time to sit down and write the rest of my story. So tomorrow I promise you will get the rest of it.

I was basically told today by one of my friends that I should give up because this guy might just not be that into me. We were watching the movie "He's just not that into you" in class and yeah, well that's what she said to me when we talked about my boy troubles. Brutally honest right? Because I want to talk to him and I want him to want to talk to me, but it doesn't seem to be going that way for me. I was told to give up.

Now giving up is a really bad thing for me to do. Because the thing I hate most is having to give up. I have had to give up so much in my life and I don't want to have to give up anymore. When I have to give up I get extremely depressed which leads to really bad things. Even if this guy is ugly (to some), a player, an asshole (to me...once, but I don't care if he hurts me) and all these other things people see in him I don't care because I WANT HIM. He is the only thing I have ever thought I had a chance with and I don't want to give up again. Now, your probably thinking this guys a douche and why the hell am I even bothering? Well to tell you the truth, I have a problem with going for the wrong guys. I don't think I deserve or have a chance with anything better so I refuse to think of the possibility of anything good happening. So I hurt myself again and again.

So, yeah I am completely discouraged, I don't know what to do. I want this boy so bad!! I want to say that yeah, I actually got what I wanted for a chance. I don't care if it ends bad, I just want a chance. Should I give up?

The scale was down a pound today. So I have only 2.2 pounds to lose to get to my next goal. I think it was my heart that shrank. Not my body.

I don't want to give up.

Second part of story tomorrow.

Let's hope I make it through the night. I don't feel so perfect right now.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

testimony part 1

So it all started when I turned 16. Literally. Because before I turned 16 I was a naive girl who hated alcohol, weed, tattoos, piercings, I was just a shy little girl who did nothing... basically a fly on the wall to everyone.

(My throat seems to be swelling and my hands shaking as I begin to write this. So this could be harder than I expected it to be... yep. definitely going to be hard...)

I had a job the summer the summer I turned 16 but for some reason I could not work. On top of hating this job I just had so much anxiety to go everyday. I would cry every morning because I didn't want to go. I called in sick at least 3 out of 5 days of the week. I just couldn't handle it so I quit, and I didn't tell my family before hand because they would tell me I'm stupid. I had a month all to myself before school started again and I finally agreed to get a tattoo (by this time I wanted one, my mom always wanted me to get one but I always said ew, no, until this point)

I got the tattoo a week before school started (gr.11, my school goes up till gr. 12 if yours doesn't) and I also agreed to smoke weed. With my family... not a normal teenager with friends, no my mother and older sister. So I went back to school with a totally different feeling. I felt way more mature. But I don't know why but I couldn't handle normal day things anymore. I just couldn't. I wanted something to help me because I didn't have anything at all. I had nothing that was mine. When I look back on it, the main reason (on top of LOADS of other things) was the fact that I needed something all my own to make me feel better because I felt so empty. I didn't have drugs, or I would've done that, but I had nothing else. So I cut. (on the verge of crying...)

The first time was wimpy little scratches on my leg. I have always cut on my leg because I could hide it. But I never stopped after the first time. Every damn day there were new cuts on my leg. I started to write a journal, that I have read over and over again and I can tell you that within the first week I had counted 70 cuts on my leg. Once I made 30 cuts in one sitting.

*Now when I cut, I don't do it majorly deep. I'm more of a scratcher, as long as their is blood coming out its good. The only problem is, is that once I started I couldn't stop until there are so many cuts. One was never good enough. Five was not good enough.

From that point on my days consisted on going home and cutting and my day wasn't complete until I cut. After the first couple of weeks there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cut. I wouldn't LET a day go by. I look back on it and realize that I was literally addicted. There was no cutting because I felt bad (of course there were days like that, but not everyday) I cut everyday because I was scared to let a day go by without cutting. SO SCARED. Who was I without it? I was no one. That was all I had!

So months progressed and it got really bad. I had no room on my legs, I cut my stomach but that produced nothing for me and eventually moved to my arms. And I was empty. So empty. I didn't make plans because I didn't think I had a future. Yes, I was so suicidal. I was planning my motherfucking suicide. I almost did on Halloween. I have ever since hated that day. And then I planned to do it during Christmas break. I was planning the letters to leave people, what I would say, who I would blame. Planning to slit my wrists. It was really bad.

By December I was a mess. I was taking way too many extra strength Tylenol all the time because I wanted to be close to dead. I didn't care anymore.

Now this is where it gets interesting...

One day I took extra strength Tylenol again but it was during school. So in my first period, the school nurse came to our class to do a little seminar on drugs and shit and I couldn't even concentrate, I couldn't sit still my mind was racing just as face as my blood. But she said something that I'll never forget, because it basically changed my life. She's like "most kids come to me because their depressed or something and I help them. Obviously if they were going to jump off a bridge I would have to tell somebody but other than that I am completely confidential". Right then and there I decided that after that class I would go to her and ask for help.

And I have no idea how I walked to the nurses office that day. I couldn't feel a thing, I don't know how I knew where to go or how to navigate the halls because my mind was literally blank. (I believe God had something to do with it, but you believe what you want)

When I got there I sat down nervous as hell. Literally! I'm like "ummm I really don't know what to do right now, or how to tell you, so maybe I'll just show you?" I pulled my sleeve up for what was about 2 seconds and shes like "your a cutter". My heart sank faster than she could get on the phone. She asked me a bunch of stupid questions and called the hospital to tell them that she was sending me there. (Yeah my heart was on fucking fire, I was thinking "what the hell! I didn't want to go to the hospital!! NO!!!") So she called a teacher that I used to love because she was so nice, she asked her to take me there and I went. I basically had no choice. My mind was blank and I just did whatever I was told.

When I got there I was into see one nurse and shes like what can I do for you? And I'm like ugh... I'm here cause I cut myself and I need to see something like a crisis nurse? and she told me she was glad I was getting help blah blah blah Tylenol will rot your liver blah blah blah, you could've overdosed. Then I saw a crisis nurse who was like, do you need to stay here over night? (in the motherfucking mental ward!) and I'm like no I definitely do NOT want to stay over night and they kept saying they don't want me to go home and hurt myself. I'm like hello I'm here because I want to stop I'm not going to go home and cut myself again. Then I saw the psychiatrist who hardly asked any questions and was like yep you have depression and anxiety, here are some safe pills come back in three months bye. (this is of course a really short explanation of all this, its already so long!!!)

So when I got home and told everyone, my mother was so disgusted, you could tell by the way she looked at me, my parents blamed music, books and everything but themselves. My sister said she was going to go through my room and take every sharp object out (which i totally objected because I didn't want her to find my journals) and I told everyone that I wanted this to be over please don't mention it again, I'm fine don't worry. And it was never mentioned again.

I'm going to stop here because this is super long and I don't want to bore you. Comment on this stuff so far and I'll post the rest tomorrow?

I don't feel worth it today.

The work that I have been trying to do seems insignificant and it won't work. I know that the dress I'm wearing today will make me look really good but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. I don't feel worth it. It's not going to work.

I checked the scale this morning, against my own will and it showed no gain and a little loss. I expected to be a couple of pounds heavier because of all the shit I've been putting in my mouth but I was really good. Although it was only a couple decimals down, its closer than I was before. And I've realized that I need to view how many pounds I need to lose in a different way. Instead of saying I need to be 147, I need to tell myself it is just 3.2 pounds away. Theres a different affect right?

So, yeah... I just wanted to post my feelings about how nothing seems worth it today... but things might change I don't know.

I will post my "testimony" tonight.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

ordinary's just not good enough today

So, after looking so gorgeous today (not really but I tried) the boy wasn't at school and he didn't get to see me...sad face. But I might wear a dress tomorrow and maybe that will be even better. I don't know. So that means that I haven't talked to him yet. And I probably won't until late tonight...since he seems to be somewhat of a night owl. What types of things should I talk to him about? I'm obviously only going to text him and I want to keep the convo going. I seem to a have a problem with keeping them interested because I just don't know what the heck to talk about. So your input would be gladly appreciated.

It seems that I have put all my focus on trying so hard for this boys attention that I have to admit, I have majorly been slacking in the food area. Ice cream and chocolate????? Bad I know. But I have just been craving chocolate bars for the past couple of days. And it is horrible. I didn't eat during school but on the way home my friends persuaded me to buy an ice cream with I did. AND I bought a kinder egg. So bam theres 580 calories. All I need to do is eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Has anybody else had issues with self harm? I kind of want to post my story on here but I am not sure if you want to hear about it... but if you do I'll write it all up. It would be nice to get my story out. I have never told anyone before so.... yeah let me know.

Oh and thanks for all the support so far. I really appreciate it. And I'll say this again, I DO read your blogs... but I have no idea what to say if I were to comment. So, thats why I hardly comment. Just sayin...

I don't want to jinx it but...

Today is a VERY good day. And it has got to get better. Because it is only 8 am. So all of the things that made my day fan freaking tastic happened in the middle of the night.

#1(the most exciting thing): I finally got the courage, with the help of a very good friend, to talk to that boy. And guess what! he doesn't hate me!! ahaha, that's an accomplishment. (I am probably more excited than you are about that) I didn't really expect him to reply last night but low and behold he did. It just happen to be while I was sleeping. Whats up with these late nighters?

#2: My hair is done and my new outfit is on. I am sure I don't look bad but I always think I do. Changing this morning was a nightmare because I know the clothes could look SO MUCH BETTER. If only that one little fact were true: if I was skinny. But I am not.

As I was over my friends house last night we were taking and she told me some very interesting things about myself. She said "I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend. Your just so pretty, and so nice" And she wasn't just trying to make me feel better she was actually serious. But I just couldn't believe her. I'm like yeah well I'm fat, and ugly. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I am nice but you gotta get past my ugliness first. But she said I was wrong (being legit serious again) and it makes me think... maybe I actually am somewhat attractive... I wish I could see it!! :(

Yeah so I hope the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. Wish me luck with the boy!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ugh, wrong type of thinspo...

So today was a major F.A.I.L. I fucking hate myself because I can't take this serious enough. I keep thinking "tomorrow is a new day and you can start over". Yeah well that happens every flipping day and I can't keep telling myself that. Its now or never and if I screw up that means I fail. Plain and simple.

I bought a whole bunch of clothes today but it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Changing in front of a mirror and trying to fit into pants that don't fit is devastating. I was going to fucking CRY in the change room. Because I am so fucking F.A.T, it was horrible. so so so horrible.

And my mother is a whole different type of story! Man, if you had my mother I swear you'd be 60 pounds by now. It was non-stop complaining about how she is so fat and blah blah blah type shit. And after I ate I was like "I want to be skinny (sad face)". You know how she responded? Here's a laugh: "You know you you can be, here's all you have to do: Stop eating bread, eat under 500 calories and exercise a lot." Ha, well guess what mother! That's what I've been trying to flipping do!! Oh gosh if she only knew. (She'd probably encourage it anyways.) My my my.
So that's my plan. Mother knows best right? I can't keep slacking. No motherfucking carbs. They are the death of me I swear. I WILL stick to my goals. I hate failing.

I've just been out of it today. Do you ever have one of those days that start out fine, you think nothing is wrong and then someones like "you look down today" and then all of a sudden you are? I just feel horrible about myself. I want to cry, but I won't.

By the way, sorry about all the "motherfuckings". I just feel that I need to warn you about my love for that word. Hope you don't mind ahah.

Eden xox.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I've come too far to take orders from a cookie

I think I broke one of my goals today. I ate some carbs, which breaks my little heart but there is nothing I can do about it now but to move forward.
Yesterday was fantastic! I swear I ate maybe 350 calories? Walked 150 of it off? I was very light headed at work and I swear I could feel my stomach digest itself a bit. (probably not but what ever). I could feel the digestion process happening when I knew that there was nothing to digest, since I ate hours before. I like that feeling. I want the fat to disappear!!!

And last night I had a dream where I was so scared to go on the scale and when I did there was no change in my weight and I was so pissed off. I was mad because I was trying my hardest and nothing happened. But that was a dream. And I forced myself to check the scale this morning and I am surprised that there was no change, and I wasn't even that mad. Its better then gain right? And it can only go down if I just keep restricting! And that may be a problem tonight because my sister is bringing home dinner. Which to my luck is only meat and carbs. Whatever, I'll find a way around it. Chew and spit? Maybe. Its gross I know but its better than eating it.

I get to go SHOPPING TOMORROW! Which is fantastic to me, I'll be able to buy a lot of new clothes that will hopefully make me look better (skinnier), then Tuesday I'll get my hair done. So, my plan is that all this will prepare for Wednesday, which hopefully that certain boy I've been telling you about will be at school and I can make him take a second glance in my direction. Or some stares. I don't mind as long as he is looking at me! (Oh gosh I think about him way too much!!)

Eden xox.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The rush is worth the price I pay.

I feel kind of sick right now. I don't know why but I feel like puking. All I had today was a tea, and orange, and a multivitamin pill. I am thinking that the nausea may had something to do with the multivitamin. It says I have to eat with it, which I did, but if its requiring more than what I ate I am not going to take them anymore. Even though I desperately need them. I don't want my hair falling out (more than it already does). So I need these vitamins. I don't know, I'll keep trying them I guess.
And I've got new motivation! In my last post I mentioned that one of my goals was to get a certain boy want me. And boy do I ever want him to want me. It's ridiculous. And I shouldn't even want him to want me. You know why? Because he was a complete dick to me. It was all good and then bam, I didn't exist to him anymore. But I can't get him off my mind and he is everywhere I go. I don't know why I like him again. I need a slap in the face I really do, but I doubt that would help me. I'm love stuck girls! For a complete asshole.... ha.

So, maybe I don't exactly want a relationship with him at this point but I want to look so good that he can't take his eyes off me. I want him to WANT to talk to me again. So, that is my goal: To look so damn fine that he can't resist me.

Good enough thinspiration? I think so.

I hope I don't eat anymore today. That would be really good because I ate so much the past to days, I need to fix it. I am not even going to look at the scale till Monday. I can't imagine how much I gained.
I've been really into Ke$ha lately. Have you all heard of her? Her personality annoys me (because she acts like a drunk) but she has some good music. It's all I've been listening to for days.

Eden xox