Monday, May 10, 2010


Ah, so my life goes on, and I have new experiences that will make me different. They have the chance to blow up in my face and destroy me. So I am sitting here waiting for things to move quickly. Rip it off like a bandaid. I want to say everything will turn out exactly how I plan. But I never know. And I want to know.
I was extremely drunk on friday, made out with the boy I liked all night. Pretty much it was my first kiss. I wish I could remember how that first kiss felt. I only remember the 3rd, 5th, 10th etc. Not the first. I was so close to having sex, and that would have ruined me.

The good thing is, is that the guy is not ignoring me. There is a really good chance he could actually like me.

If he doesn't I would die.

I told myself to not fall so hard. And I did. And I could be ruined for it.

My stomach has not been letting me eat. I could usually stuff my face, and stuff so much food down this fat trap of mine. But now I can't. I cant finish anything. There is always food left over. I am losing weight. I am just not sure how the heck my appetite can be so screwed up.

I feel like I am killing myself.
I would try anything to hurt myself.

The memories almost bring tears to my eyes. Because I can feel the hurt already if things don't work out. If he doesn't want me.
So, I'll wait. Wish me luck.


  1. good luck
    in any case, we're here for you =)

  2. good luck, good luck, good luck

  3. humans tend to disappoint. if he does like you and pursues something more .. then great :) .. but if he doesn't .. its not necessarily you, hun.

    guys are slow and simple. they change their minds all the time, for no reason .. they can be impulsive & irrational (at least to us women). their emotional attachments to people and things are far less intricate than women's, therefore, they can be fragile.
    I wouldn't want to know that you would punish yourself for something that is out of your hands.

    hope all goes well. <3