Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ask me to show you perfect and I will show you a thin person.

So, yay I got the job. More walking and less time to worry about eating!! Is it sad that I am only excited about that?
Well, I was super excited when I got home but happiness doesn't last long in my world. I am never allowed to be happy. Because my life revolves around serving my dad. Literally. As soon as I get up in the morning it is, do this, do that, do this, do that then I go to school and come home and life revolves around doing everything for him, making dinner, cleaning, pouring him drinks. Yes, my life fucking sucks. And he wasn't even happy that I got a job. You know what he said? "Well that's good, I don't have to see you as much, and I don't have to buy you anything." Well, you know what ass hole? I'm glad I don't have to see your motherfucking face that much anymore. And p.s, you don't spend a motherfucking cent on me. The last thing he had to buy me was tampons because I had no money to buy them for myself. Sad right? I know.
So, instead of being happy for myself I was miserable, and I decided that I was going to stuff my fat fucking face. Not in a bad way, I had some salad and stir fry but still. I was so stuffed but I forced myself to eat. I don't know why. I usually like to punish myself when my surroundings get me down. (I used to punish myself in worse ways but I am not to sure if you all want to here about that just yet?)
Yeah, so this was probably a bad post today with a lot of swear words, I am sorry. But its better to get it all out right?
How are all your days going?
P.s, these are some lyrics to a song by Eyes Set to Kill. It sums up most of what I feel when it comes to my father.

You’re pushing me out
You’re pushing me when all I do is not enough
All I do is not enough for you
You’ve pushed me down
You’ve pushed me down
Well I’ll try and I’ll try again
I’ll try and I’ll try again for you

This distance won’t keep your words from screaming my name
This distance won’t keep your words from smothering me
If I could keep you out
If I could keep you...
Eden xox.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A little motivation

My world is expanding as my butt is shrinking.

Today was hectic. No doubt. Don't you love days where your nerves are all in a jumble because you have something important, oh say a job interview and then gradually leading up to the job interview things start to blow up and bam bam bam you start to get all anxious and shit and your heart beat too fast. I have anxiety problems so although this doesn't happen a lot, when it does its like bam. People bring up shit that you don't want them to bring up and it gets really awkward and you feel like crying and then that settles and someone gets all confrontational and you don't like when that happens and that makes you want to cry. And then you gotta be all lovely for a job interview. YAY!!!

So, ya. I think my interview did go well. I don't have any complaints. They might call me back in a couple of days. Pray for me that I get this job or at least keep your skinny little fingers crossed!
My sister works at a clothing store that is all fashionesta clubbing sexy clothes. And I stayed there for a while after my interview and I tried on a pair of pants and a really nice top. Now, I have been wearing a size 11 pants. I was wearing these size pants when I weighed about 180 pounds. Since them I have lost 30 pounds but I have never bought new pants because I'm like, you know, dirt poor. So I tried on size 9 and they fit freaking perfect! It was pretty darn exciting to know that I am in the single digits. Although I may have been there for months, it is nice to have some conformation, you know? And if I get this job I may have to treat myself to some new clothes. Oh by the way the shirt that I tried on made me look super skinny, and that's always good.

I have been working out and keeping my calories down under 800 calories and today the scale wasn't too bad. It wasn't fabulous but at least I wasn't (more) of a fat whale. I'm going to try to keep this going as long as I can because I deserve to be skinny. And you all do too!!!!

Eden xox


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Fat is overrated.

Skinny people do not know how good they have it. They really don't. People say that girls today are dieting too much and trying to attain an unattainable beauty but the people who usually say that are already skinny and have never had to be almost 200 pounds and have never had to be limited because of their weight. So heck yes we are going to diet too much and attain what we think is beauty in our eyes. It is the only way for some of us because we can't stand to look at ourselves and see anything beautiful. By doing this we may actually have a chance. Am I right or does this seem like bullshit? Because it seems pretty damn plausible to me.

"I'd rather starve than be fat."

I have been in an empty state today. In more ways than one. I have been completely emotionless all day. Not anything close to being content and not being the type of sad that makes you stay in bed all day. In between. Just here. And I have literally ate less than 500 calories today and worked some it off plus my daily dose of diet pills.

And I wouldn't mind being in this state for awhile because I was hardly hungry. I wasn't snacking on food that I didn't need. I had to force myself to work out but I at least did it. I also did so many chores today. I didn't even complain or sulk like I usually do because I am the only one in the house who cooks, cleans and takes out the garbage. Yes, there are 3 grown adults who live in my house plus me and I am the one who does all of this. But I did all of these things without a complain. I wanted to keep myself busy for some reason.

I have a job interview tomorrow. It not a great job. But it is a job at least and I need the money. I am sick of being the person who can't do things because I have no money. So wish me good luck. I'll probably be a nervous wreck but I think I am way over qualified for this job so I should do fine.

I wish everyone good luck on their weight loss journeys and I know just as well as you that everyday is a struggle but we must keep pushing forward my darlings! We will be beautiful. We will be skinny. And we will be fabulous!

Eden xox


Saturday, March 27, 2010

Not a fantastic post .

I have been a little hesitant on posting a blog because I haven't seen any major change and I don't have anything good to say.

I haven't weighed myself in a week because I know that there is probably no change at all and if it happens to have gone up I would be so disappointed in myself. So I probably won't look at the scale till Monday morning.

Today I worked out a lot. I went for a run with my dog and I pushed myself further than I usually would only because I am desperate for something to change. I need to work out more and I need to sweat more. It is suppose to rain tomorrow so I am not sure about going for a run but I'll just have to go extra with Turbo Jam.

I would like to say that I am keeping my eating down to almost nothing but... that's not the case. I have been eating really healthy, low calorie things but I just seem to eat to much. So tomorrow I am going to keep working at it and see what it does to me on Monday.

Eden xox.

P.s I always kind of wanted to be a ballet dancer. I suck at dancing and try to avoid it at all costs but if I lose a lot of weight, ballet dancing would definitely be something I would love to do.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Not there yet.

I just got back from the grocery store and I got some really good food. I forgot a few things, like tuna!!! But I did get a few things that I am excited for. I got tofu. I have never tried it but the calories seem to be worth it.

Do you know how frustrating it is to grocery shop with someone who gets mad at you for buying healthy food?! Like buying the tofu was such a hassle. And I couldn't get healthy low calorie bread because a certain person doesn't like it. Every single healthy food I picked up was bad and I was making decisions for myself and not for everyone else in the house (I am the youngest but I am the one who is in charge of buying food).

I am very excited for tomorrow. Because no matter what, I will make this work. And I have food that will help me get there.

Here are some good quotes that I like:

"You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers." -Albert Einstein

Is it worth eating when you're just going to be hungry again in a couple of hours

Sacrifice is giving up on something good for something better.

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, just as long as you don't stop.

If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
Eden xox.

Tomorrow please come sooner!

Today was one of those off days where you just want it to be over because it just seems so dysfunctional. I need to start over again. I want to take the diet pills that I have left over in my room, try those suckers up again. But, they might not work. I have used the same type of diet pills on and off since last summer... and when I was taking them last time they didn't really work. Does your body get used to the diet pills and make them useless? It seems that way for me but I might as well try them again. Even if its just a couple pounds.

Does anyone know any good foods that are super healthy (and low calorie of course) but they fill you up so you don't go and eat more food? I need some more ideas because nothing seems to fill me up.

For some reason I have been craving tuna. I usually don't like tuna but for half a can its 60 calories, and that seems to be filling. Maybe get some salmon too, I have never eaten salmon in my life but it looks good.

I think my taste buds are changing because I have been wanting to eat foods that I usually would never want.

I have been exercising a lot. Plus walking uphill to school and back (takes me an hour one way) seems to be doing me well. And I have some turbo jam dvds. I really want to jump on them soon.

The comments really help. I get on here feeling like a complete failure and then I see people have commented and it makes me smile. I always read all of your blogs and I always want to comment but sometimes I just don't know what to say, but I read them. Always. They keep me motivated for sure!

Eden xox.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I am so sick of myself. Every single inch.

Eden xox.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010


So today (the day isn't over yet, so I am holding on) was a good day on the eating front. I didn't over indulge. I ate a fair amount but I am okay with the calories.

Dry fruitloops: (110)
Stir fry: (260)
4 chocolate chip cookies: (340) (not all at one time)

total: 710

I probably would have been fine without the cookies but when I got home from school my sister made them and I could not help it. At least I didn't eat a ton. It sucks how many calories these things are. I just need to start finding some food that is low calories. If I really look, I could probably get some good stuff. But its hard to be picky when your dirt poor and the people in your house hate when you buy healthy food (and then eat it all on you).

Lately people have been really bugging me with how comfortable they can be with making fun of anorexics and bulimics. Yesterday I heard tons of snide little comments from ignorant asses. And then on top of that my stuck up snob friend likes to pride herself on the fact that she constantly wants to diet. "I'll just go on a diet and get skinny like I always do, no biggy". Like fuck right off. Its not that fucking easy for most of us.

I am just really ready to lose the pounds that I need to. I'm sick of being this weight. I just need to keep restricting and walking and it will happen. I need to keep telling myself that. It will if I work at it. If I just keep throwing it away it won't happen.

8 days to lose 5-6 pounds? It needs to happen. I'll make it happen. But if it doesn't happen. If I don't reach that goal in 8 fucking days then that will be sad. Complete failure.

Eden xox.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Grapefruit: (60)
Salad (iceberg lettuce + zesty Italian): (~100)
Spicy potato wedges: (170)
Diet cranberry juice: (40)

Total: 370 calories.

It feels like I ate too much but the calories don't say so. I literally feel fat right now. This is not good for me.

I have had a headache type thing all day and I am really tired. I don't know where it is coming from, maybe the lack of sleep or eating less. Ever since I start taking multi-vitamins my body has just been acting really weird. I don't know.

I hope I feel more decent tomorrow.

Eden xox.


In a daze

So I won't even go into details about the absolute horror yesterday was. Today is a new day and I have loads of new inspiration. I will make this work. I have to.

I am writing this before I go to school because for one, I am alone, everyone is sleeping and two because I am in a complete daze. I woke up way to early this morning. When the alarm woke my up at 5:40 I was completely confused as to why the hell I set my alarm that frickin early. So I set it to an hour later which is my regular time. Turns out I didn't need to because I was wide awake and my mind was a churnin'

and this is what I was thinking about:

WATER. I needed desperately some frickin water. I was craving it so so bad that I could taste it in my mouth. That craving alone made me get out of bed a chug back four glasses. So I was up way too early but took a shower and got ready anyways. I was also still in a very confused, detached state (still am.)

I was also thinking about how I drag on and on about food. Like I get on this blog and its ALL I TALK ABOUT! but when you really think about it. Food controls my life. It has for a while and it is really all I think about most of the time. I consume my thoughts about what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, the calorie intake, how hungry I am, how fat I am, how bad I feel after eating and on and on. Its quite sad.

But on a more happier note I have fabulous inspiration. Someone I know, not someone I talk to a lot but this person is literally my idol on earth. She is the best kind of person I know. Not to mention absolutely beautiful and I know that there is no way I can look like her because she is one of those pixie like short and small girls but I want to be able to fit in clothes the way that she does and have the same attitude as her about life because she is really amazing.

So I want to be like her and this is my "thinsipration" if you must.

I am sick of putting up with peoples stuck up attitudes. So when I go back to school (which literally minutes away) I will have a major attitude adjustment because I now have the motivation to change. If they won't, then I will and I won't let them get away with thinking they are better than everyone else. I am talking about my friends of course.

Maybe an update later? Not sure if anyone reads this anyways... but for myself sure!

Eden xox


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Pizza Meltdown

Blueberry Special K (170)
Vegetable Soup (125)
Crackers (90)
1 1/2 Grapefruit (100)
Sugar (with tea and the grapefruit) (40)
Yogurt (35)
Blueberry Fritter (330) (!!!!!)

Grand Total : 890 :(

I feel bad with just that total! And the big bummer of the evening: I thought even though around 900 calories it not over my main goal (which is to stay under 1000 calories a day) it soon will be because not even twenty minutes ago the people in my house were screaming about PIZZA. Goddamn. Why must everything be ruined. I know that is the pizza is there I will eat it and there is no possible way that if I take just one tiny piece it will be the end of it. I already know that this will be a disaster and there is no possible way that I can purge it all up because there will be people here and there is no private place for me to blow my guts out without anyone hearing.

I feel like a total fucking failure, and I haven't even eating the pizza yet!!

I also have some other worries about tomorrow. This is the last day of march break so tomorrow it will be back to school. And I am not even worried about the homework that I neglected to do all week. I am worried about lunch and the fact that I won't be able to sit at that lunch table with all my friends while they are sitting their eating tons of glorious food. Not that I have the money to go out and buy the lovely food.

So, my plan for tomorrow is:

(B) Fruitloops (160) and a tea (I don't bother counting calories on tea, its healthy, whats the point)
(L) Water (0) Grapefruit (~60)
and dinner I will find out when I get there.

Eden xox


Saturday, March 20, 2010

Good day... I think?

So I just finished off one of my binge and purge sessions. Pasta with chicken and cheese and garlic bread. Yum. I couldn't eat it all but I hopefully puked it all up. I can still feel the "high" I get after purging. I use these happy feelings to get things accomplished. Like homework and this blog!
Besides the binge and purge dinner, I ate:

Special K Blueberry cereal (170)
2 Source yogurts (70)
and some cheese (100)

which is a grand total of dun dun duuunnnn : 340 calories!!!

I think that's pretty darn fantastic, and since it was a late binge I probably won't eat for the rest of the day.

I hope I can keep this up tomorrow.

I'm kind of scared to look at the scale in the morning. Should I even bother? I probably will...

I was also watching some fashion television before and kind of during my binge and watching that stuff is really cool. I love to watch all these models wear these fabulous creations and how much fashion runs people's lives. I would love to be a model, but I probably couldn't, I've got tattoos and not to mention fat.

All of these people just seem to love their careers and I hope to one day be so successful.

Yes. Good day.

Eden xox.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Sick of eating too much.

So my friend's party went well the first night...well sorta. If you call drinking so much your passed out by 11pm and puking your brains out good. I hope I puked up my dinner that night. I'd like to tell myself I did. The next night I wasn't aware we were drinking again and I just couldn't handle it. The more they gave me the more sick I thought I was going to be so I turned in early again. But the second night I thought I was going to make good choices and eat good whether or not I was drunk. I think I did horrible but it could have been worse.

Today I went out with my mom and walked around downtown a bit. Then we took a bus back up town, went to a drug store and I got some vitamins that help with weight loss. I am excited about that.
My mom doesn't care about buying me weight loss anything. She always buys my diet pills too. Maybe more about my mother another day...
What I am not excited about was the fact that we went to a diner and had lunch. Now, when you order food that this diner they really pile the food on the plate. I wish I had not eaten but I did. I walked a lot but I don't think it helped anything. I'd like to say that I won't eat anything else for the rest of the day but I probably will. If I do, it will only be brussel sprouts. I have to limit myself to that. And yes, I actually do love brussel sprouts.

I forced myself to look at the scale and I have gained. Maybe like 3 pounds. That is horrible. I haven't looked at the scale in a while but I hope that this weekend I can get back on track.

Too much partying.

Too much eating.

Eden xox

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Yesterday up until about 7pm I would say, was good. I ate, but I ate well. Toasted tomato sandwich with cucumber and celery on the side and for dinner I ate a salad with not drinking anything but tea all day. Good right? I wasn't not eating but I wasn't eating bad.

So after around 7pm everyone came over. And when these people come over they like to eat (it may have something to do with the pot they smoke) and so I join too. And all the good work of eating good goes straight of the fucking door.

Along with a lot of random food I ate smarties and shepherds pie. Food that I NEVER wanted to ingest.

And today is a friends birthday party. This is going to be a DISASTER!!!! I know for a fact I'll drink too much and smoke too much and EAT TOO MUCH.

Eden xox

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hey There!

If I want to be thin, I need to do the work to get there. The reason I am fat is because I can't do the work to be thin.

Anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating and self hatred. GAHH

The scale has hit the point where I can't want to make it go down any further than 150 pounds. I never wants to show me even a little mercy, like about 149, 148. I lost 30 damn pounds and then bam it stops. I stopped working at it. I let go. And now I am stuck between going to 155 to 150. For about a month it has stopped. "No more losing weight for you Eden! You don't deserve to be skinny Eden. You fat slob!!!!"

I will do my best to commit to this. And all my shame will go on this blog, so I have something to remind me about how bad I eat.

I hate food.

I hate eating.

I hate me.

Eden, xox