Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm far from lonely, and its all that I've got

Is it weird to know that I have been thinking about one thing for about 2 weeks. And that thing would be cutting. Its always in the back of my mind teasing me. Telling me just one cut. It feels so good and a couple won't hurt you. Your legs are already scared enough, you won't be wearing shorts for a long time. One cut. Do it.
I am so happy and hopeful and all I want to do is cut?? What the heck is wrong with me. My mind is screwed up. Its like I feel that I don't deserve this happiness. That I need to control these feelings and not let myself get too happy. My mind hates happiness. Just one fucking cut. Just to remember what it felt like.

Oh My GOD.

This is so scary!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I'm going to try to get through this and let Monday happen before I get to out of control. I don't know. I don't know if it will happen until it does. I just really hope I don't relapse. The craving is strong.



  1. DONT do it.
    Its not worth it.
    I look at my scars and think of it all the time .. it SOLVES NOTHING .. it just makes your beauty fade ..
    Do something more gratifying .. learn to knit (so you use your hands, BOTH hands) .. start an art project, sew some clothes, go for a run, paint your fingernails, whatever you want, but don't cut hun.
    seriously .. please?

  2. I get you. But I agree with Sofie. To be honest, your scars will fade if you let them and if you're going to lose weight then you will want to wear shorts and skirts. That's what I keep telling myself. If I keep cutting my arms I'll have to walk around with long sleeved tops or jackets all the time. Living in this subtropical climate, that's not an option for me.