Thursday, June 17, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

keep it up while its there.

Things are starting to settle down and I no longer feel the need to just hide or throw it all away. But these damn life experiences keep changing me. I am a totally different person.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...childish fantasies of real love have flown out the window.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...I keep getting a glimpse of reality and into what people really do behind my "rose tinted glass"

Since sex has been introduced into my seems to be the only thing people want from me. and I've learned that I can just give and take from people.

Since sex has been introduced into my innocence has disappeared.

I fell for the biggest dick in the planet. A dick who knows just how much of a dick he is to me and doesn't really care, he actually finds it funny.

So I don't care about him anymore. I'll use him just as much as he uses me.

But prince charming is knocking at my door now. The sweetest boy ever. He would never hurt me and I know he wouldn't. The problem now is....I can hurt him. and bad.

Because I no longer want the cute little dating scene.

I want the dick. Because I can't let go of my first. I just can't. No matter how bad he is for me, no matter how good prince charming is.

Something keeps telling me that I need to hold on...just for a bit longer.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

mood swings.

I don't know if I can handle all of these changes in emotions. If things go bad, I have a bad week, and during that week I will have a bad outlook on everything which in turn will make everything look worse than it is.
But when things go okay, like they are at the moment, and things don't seem too shabby.

I can make it through the day without wanting to crawl in bed and stay there forever.
I have confidence in myself that I know what I am doing and that I have some control (even though control has totally left the building at this point).

The balance of good and bad is not there anymore.

I have no idea when things will turn for the worse.

But, for now I am okay. And that's all I need right now. Is just to be okay. Because life goes on and things happen but no matter what...things will be okay...even if its just for a little while.

I pray that all of you will be okay :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

When I started this blog, and started following all of you lovely ladies, I was so innocent. I basically had all the time in the world to do what ever I wanted. I wasn't attached emotionally to people, well...maybe a little. But not like now. Now it feels that these people have complete control over me. Over my emotions. One little thing can set me off. Literally. I can't take this anymore. Everything overwhelms me.

And I feel like I'm fucking crazy. The emotions that run through my head, the way I react to things, the way I view certain situations. It's like totally different from everyone else and I sit there wondering why I can't see things the way everyone else does. Things seem perfectly rational at first...then they tell me I'm wrong or overreacting and its like...why? Is it really that bad to view things that way?
And so tonight I am left alone. And no one seems to care. I'm not that important to them anyways.

I wish I could be perfect for everyone.

I wish I didn't have to attach emotionally to these people.

I wish I didn't hurt when they tell me they don't care about me.

I wish that was enough to walk away.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well thats alright because I like the way it hurts."
Listen to Eminem ft. Rhianna- I love the way you lie.
Its a good song.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

You would be ashamed of me.

And the things I've done.

I'm even ashamed in me.

I've hurt people that are so close to me,

because I don't care what I put myself through.

The retaliation comes after,

the selfish thoughts of how MY life will go on,

not how other people feel,

because that doesn't matter to me.

Even though it should.

I used to be so innocent, just a month ago.

Now I am lost.

I don't know who I am anymore,

where I stand on things,

what I believe.

I really don't care who uses me,

as long as its me that they want to use.

As long as they want me in some form.

I look at cute couples holding hands,

people in love,

guys who actually care about girls,

people kissing.

I realize that isn't for me.

It will never happen.

It doesn't matter if people say "you deserve better"

Because if I did, then would I be having that?

Well....I accept this love, or what ever it is.

I am just a play thing now.