Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm lost

I don't know how to live this life.

I was quiet, reserved and didn't have any drama in my life.

Now I don't have any time to myself, to concentrate on things, people are talking shit behind my back and i can't seem to get away from this drama.

I don't even care about these things. Its not upsetting me its just I am sick of immature people! GROW UP.

I want to stop eating but everything has been so messed up lately.

I hate seeing my fat.

Gosh, I don't even know anymore.
Eden xox

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm Back!!

I have been going through so much drama this week. It is quite ridiculous. I had to get rid of a best friend, some other friends, became closer with people I never thought I would, became almost best friends with the best guy I know.

My nerves have been in such a jumble. I have been soo busy too. This is the first day that I have had a day to just chill at home. This is much needed.

I have at least gotten somewhat of a break during all of this though. I have had no appetite. And when I did eat, I didn't eat much. I never wanted to binge at all. I never thought about calories, or even worried about how much I was eating because I probably ate less than 1000 calories a day, if that. I walked so much too. Another thing, you probably don't want to know this, but I had no need for laxatives either. My body was cleaning itself out majorly!! All the stress wasn't for me I guess. Good right?

I've realized that I am such a good person and some people don't realize it. Well, it is too late for them. Then there are some other people who do see it, and appreciate me and treat me so good. I am so glad to have those people in my life right now!
My scale broke, I have no idea how much I weigh. I really want to know how much I weigh!!

I wrote these goals last Friday... some of them happened without me trying.

Motives and Goals for the next two months:

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days)
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else.
5)Have a date for prom
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. (This has been done for me)
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...)

1)Fit into size 5 jeans and size medium perfectly.
2)Never have to look at muffin tops
3)Have my thighs touch less
4)Wear clothes that I think are gorgeous and not just what fits.
5)Arms need to be less fat
6)Collar bones stick out
7)Hip bones stick out more
8)Feel my ribs stick out when laying down (more than they already do)
9)Be able to take compliments without thinking its a lie
10)Be beautiful, in my eyes.

Good things are really starting to happen.

I have also established that if this boy doesn't realize how good I am for him, that his problem. I don't have the energy to get upset about every time he decides to be an asshole.

I am better than that.
I have had the chance throughout the week to see your blogs, and I have noticed a lot of you are posting pictures of you body! I wish I could do that!! But I am telling you, it is so ugly... You guys are in much better shape than me. I have not seen a grotesque image yet.
You are all beautiful!!
Anyways, I am so ready for all this drama to end, so that I can start living this whole new life. I feel that I have just let go a stage in my life and moved on to the next one. I have let go of things that held me back and I feel that things will be way more different.
I am excited.
Eden xox.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Things are a mess.

Things are going to change a lot for me.
I haven't even had time to deal with all of this.
It has just been such a bad week.
I am so ready for the good to start coming.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mmmm yeah so I am think that I am totally overreacting about the whole thing. Like, ya sure I should be mad. Like I have been excited to hang out with him all week. Hoping that maybe, just maybe things would be different this time. That all my friends who said "I don't trust him, he looks like a dick" would be wrong and that I would be living proof of how amazing this boy could be. But Life hates me.

Instead of dwelling on how alone I felt. I just masked it. Or, my body did all the masking for me because I didn't even need to try to pretend that I wasn't feeling anything because I really wasn't. I still can't feel any sort of emotion. I got majorly high last night, totally tripped out to the point where I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I still kind of feel that way now, which is really scaring me. Like who takes a shower and FORGETS to wash their hair?!?! Like what the hell did I do in the shower for 10 minutes and not wash my hair? Oh, and don't text the guy you like when your tripping out because it is so confusing. Um yeah, you probably don't want to hear about all this. You probably think I'm some sort of a druggy.

My teeth hurt so bad. I feel like I have lost my mind. HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!! HOW WILL I FUNCTION!!

Its scarier than you think.

Monday, April 26, 2010

he ditched.

Just like I knew he would.

I don't know how to feel. I am kind of numb at this point.

It will come though.

The tears.

Nothing good can come from this.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

How bad can I be? How ugly am I? Don't I deserve something?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

relapsing SUCKS

I am so sorry that I disappointed all of you. I just didn't wait. I couldn't. One little thing happened and I snapped. I said I can't do this anymore and just hacked away at my legs. It was horrible.

If you ever want a boost of confidence, cut the words fat and ugly on your legs. (sarcasm)

Every cut I made took away all the confidence I had in me, the little that I had to begin with. I was left with nothing. I felt so alone.

I was so depressed after that because I needed that confidence back. I needed it more now then ever and I couldn't go on with out it. So I built myself back up. Little by little. I could not stay in that state of mind for very long. It was so hard. But I got some of myself back.

I know that I still have those cuts on my legs, that have to heal. But as they do, I will heal along with them.

I am worth it. I am beautiful and I will only get more beautiful. I have the best friends in the world. Not a lot of them, but the ones I have are amazing. My body does not deserve any more cuts.

Thank you for all of your support. I know I am not alone in this.

I think I am going to take this weekend and get a list of my goals and motives together just like ElikaPeka23 did (shes amazing!) and try to find that confidence again.

I am so glad to have all of you!!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Albert Einstein
I'll be posting again on Tuesday maybe :)

Eden xox.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm far from lonely, and its all that I've got

Is it weird to know that I have been thinking about one thing for about 2 weeks. And that thing would be cutting. Its always in the back of my mind teasing me. Telling me just one cut. It feels so good and a couple won't hurt you. Your legs are already scared enough, you won't be wearing shorts for a long time. One cut. Do it.
I am so happy and hopeful and all I want to do is cut?? What the heck is wrong with me. My mind is screwed up. Its like I feel that I don't deserve this happiness. That I need to control these feelings and not let myself get too happy. My mind hates happiness. Just one fucking cut. Just to remember what it felt like.

Oh My GOD.

This is so scary!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I'm going to try to get through this and let Monday happen before I get to out of control. I don't know. I don't know if it will happen until it does. I just really hope I don't relapse. The craving is strong.

Is it possible to look horrible in absolutely everything I own! I took me so long to get dressed this morning because I had to change and re try on so many shirts. I kept saying to myself "wow, I look like a big bag of douche" Not just a regular bag of douche, a BIG bag of douche. wow, when I think of that its kinda gross? Either way, I think I look horrible. I don't even want to go to school because I think I look so gross.

I am going to try to not eat so much. I'm tired of ruining everything.

Excited to see the boy at school today! (He keeps texting me :D)

Eden xox.

Oh, and thank for all the support girls! Your so lovely :D

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I am so disgusted with myself. I didn't want to eat. I went to Tim Hortons with my mom and ate bad! I didn't think that it was that bad at the time. but I went on the website, they have a calculator and i added up everything I ate.

1200 calories.

Oh. My. Gosh.

When it showed that I started to cry.

I feel like going to my room, crawling in a ball and never coming back out again.


Its never too late to be who you might have been

I am not sure if this is even really her? But if it is then its great thinspo right? Shes gorgeous, you got to admit.

I don't even want to eat today. I feel that if I do then I am sabotaging myself. I want to be the best I can be by Monday and that means if I can lose 2 pounds by then, then I will try my darnest. I just have no want in me to eat anything. But, it is the morning and I don't want to say that I plan on eating nothing because if I do, it will be a lie, and I would be lying to everyone. I am going to try to stick to under 200 calories anyways but if it goes to just liquids that's fine.

This guy might actual like me and that is so weird! Looking back on the texts, he tried to ask me to hang out like 3 times yesterday and I said I was busy not even thinking of what his intention was. Like I just wanted the conversation to keep going right? So I would just ask random questions and bam he would go straight to asking what I am doing this day or that day. I didn't even realize it. And my friend is sitting there like omg, he likes you! I was in totally disbelief. Maybe he does, maybe we are just being girls and over analyzing everything and he really doesn't.

We shall see!

Eden xox

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

reality check.

Do you ever have any random bursts of reality? I've been having a lot of those lately. I feel that I live my live through a "rose tinted glass" and I see the world as a beautiful place and when ever there is a chance of knowing the bad side I ignore it because I don't need to see the bad side. So I live one way, and then through out the day I get a reality check (literally) because I see things a different way then I usually do and it scares me because I am not sure which life I want to live. Reality makes sense to me. Everything that happens just makes sense. But it never stays. I want it to stay because I feel like I get the world and whatever happens in it. I feel superior. Then I go to my normal state where things confuse and scare me and I ignore my feelings because I don't understand them. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I have very good news ladies!! The boy I like texted me today, we had a whole conversation, and I got the courage to ask him to the movies on Monday. AND HE SAID YES! SO excited :D But I am the type of person who doesn't believe it till it happens. There is always a chance he could ditch, or something else will come up. I don't know. But there is a little sunshine coming my way today and there may be a little happiness??

Never give up girls! Don't ever let anyone tell you to give up! Because no one can tell you the outcome of a situation until you experience the end.
Eden xox

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

pretty scared.

So, with all the pretty new clothes I bought and have been wearing all week I seem to be getting a lot of attention and compliments. (the only sad thing is, is that the guy i like hasn't been around enough to notice or anything, but his friends have sure noticed) I get told I'm pretty more often, like I have told you in previous posts and to be completely honest, it kind of scares me. I was never the pretty one and I never had money to buy nice clothes that fit me or that showed off what I got and now that I actually try I feel like going and wearing sweats and baggy clothes and hiding in a corner. Because I am so NOT used to this attention and I don't know what to do with it. I really don't. It scares me.

I went to the movies last night and to not look like a complete fool in front of the guy I was with I ate lots of candy and popcorn with him. I made sure I walked a lot though so I even though I ate more than I should've, the walking would keep my calorie intake down.

Today is my 600 calories intake day and I am allowed to eat about 150 more calories for the day. Which I should be good with. Hopefully. The only thing that sucks about the 2468 diet is that somedays 800 calories seem too much. I eat them of course, but I don't think I deserve to be allowed those calories. I feel like I am cheating by giving myself an 800 calorie day. Which is tomorrow.... :

I'm sick of feeling my fat thighs rubbing together. I am sick of not seeing my collar bones pop out more. I am sick of how many calories are in such small foods! I hate calories!!!

Eden xox.

Monday, April 19, 2010

"Yes Please" to Thin

hmm... so this is supposed to be my 400 calorie day and I've eaten 820? Which sucks balls. Why do I disappoint myself! I've already done an hour of walking (30 minutes each) and I need to walk 130 minutes to burn 420 calories (according to and I am probably going to walk loads tonight. So if I do that walking and don't eat anything else I could would be in the 400 calorie range. I really hope I don't screw up.

Anyhow, so people have been calling me pretty A LOT lately. I don't know if its the new clothes or something but people keep telling me that I am a really pretty girl. And you know what? I think its bullshit. I can't be pretty, not with the fat I have circling around my stomach, thighs and arms. When that goes away then yeah maybe, I'll be pretty. But until then I refuse to believe their lies!! Oh, and I am still waiting for the day that a guy calls me pretty. I might believe it then a little bit more. Their opinion is the only one that would make a difference at this point. (I have issues)

But yeah my day was filled with drama and shitty friends that stab me in the back as I forgive them over and over again.

Also, i've always wanted to be that girl with the nice indie clothes and stuff. They always look so nice and put together. THINSPO!! :) (these pictures aren't all indie and stuff but I like them)

Eden xox

Sunday, April 18, 2010

the best thing ever invented!

These chocolate bars will be my crack! I swear they are sooo good! And guess what? 160 calories!!!

On my break at work I searched around a store for ten minutes just looking at the calories on everything! And I found these and got them. I was so happy too because I didn't ruin anything for myself. I didn't eat the orange so my calorie intake for today was 230. Which I don't think is bad at all!

My sister made dinner when I got home so I just took it upstairs, did some chew and spit and threw the rest out.

I walked to and from work.

For eating only 230 calories I feel fucking fantastic!

It won't last I'm sure but I'm going to be glad for the moment.

You can do it too girls!!! I'm sending skinny vibes your way!

Eden xox

day 1.

The fist day of my diet will go well I swear! I got all of my food frustrations and cravings out of my head yesterday and I won't let myself screw up.

My plan today:

Chicken Noodle Soup: (70)
Orange: (65)
Coffee: (45)

Total: (180)

I know I can do this.


Eden xox!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Not going to stop moving.

I going to go in to super hardcore over drive weight loss mode tomorrow. I swear I am. Hold it to me ladies.

2 4 6 8 diet!!!

I might as well try it out right? And I've already ruined today so I have to try tomorrow. I have been losing my motivation for the past couple of days but I won't let myself slip again. Nope. I need to lose this weight and I need to try so hard for days. I'll go on the 2468 diet until the 30th. That's my goal. To reach keep it going till then, that's all I need. Hopefully a couple pounds will shead by then.

Please keep me motivated!! I will try to keep you all motivated too! I'll post thinspo pictures, music and all that jazz.
Eden xox :)

part 2.

**I just want to let you know that if anything in here is triggering for you I am so so so sorry. I would never want any type of bad feelings to spring up because of my words. It might not, but I feel safe warning you first. I am sorry.

So after the whole hospital mistake, I of course cut after things settled down. Just a couple lines near the top of my legs and that was only to get it out of my system, because I totally had the intent to stop. I really can't think of another reason that I wanted to stop besides I wasn't ready to die after that.

I started looking into reading the bible and stuff. I really did think that God gave me a second chance because I have no idea how I got the courage to stop or do anything I did. It still confuses me. So yeah I tried to read the bible and become more religious, I got like 3 bibles for Christmas because I told my family that I believed in God now. The rest of my family doesn't believe. Religion was never talked about growing up so as I was trying to do this I had no idea what to do or how to change my life. I felt like I was doing everything so wrong. It's harder than you think to just up and change your ways of thinking after not thinking that way for 16 years.

When I went back to school after Christmas break I was let down so bad. Because I really did want to change my life for the better but I noticed that no one around me changed. Obviously they had no idea about the shit that I had just been through. I told absolutely no one. Not one friend. Still haven't. And everyone treated me the same, no one cared about my feelings and it was just so hard to think about myself positively when no one else cared. Everything simmered down and eventually went back to the old ways.

I struggled this way for a couple of months, then my dad started going away every weekend leaving me alone. By this time I hated myself again because I just felt so ugly. I have always felt ugly but it blossomed more by this time and I needed to do something. So when I was home alone I would go on binges. Then I threw everything up. I did that every time I was alone for a couple months. Then I had a couple months when I stopped doing that, I am not sure how or why but I didn't do it anymore and I was neutral for a couple months after that.

Over the summer I lost a bunch of weight because I hardly saw any of my friends and it was easier to stop eating. When I look back it confuses me to see how much weight I lost in about 2 months because its way harder now. But thats besides the point.

I went back to school and started cutting again. I again felt more mature and new things were happening to me and I liked those new things. I was finally talking to all these boys and I would totally fall in love with them and it would turn out bad. My friends were peices of shit to me and I just took it because I had nothing else. I went back to the only thing I knew, the only thing that made me feel good because no one in my life was ever trying to make me feel good. No one ever cared. I knew that once I started cutting again I wouldn't stop, because there was no way in hell that I would put myself through the shit I went through last year. I would kill myself before that happened.

So heart break after heart break happened and every time a new guy would come along I would use it as a chance to think that maybe this one would change my life. I would stop cutting for them. They would understand. But that never happened and I was falling into a deeper mess that I had no idea how to get out of.

I stopped caring. I didn't feel right. Some days I felt nothing at all. I didn't think I belonged here. There was no purpose, there were no dreams, I felt lost in some cerebral nightmare and I didn't even want to get out again.

I was talking to a friend, one who is really spirital and stuff, about my boy problems and how I thought I was absolutely worthless without them, I don't understand why these things don't work out, how bad could I be? She told me that before I was ever going to be able to love someone or be loved I needed to love myself and find out who I truly was (which I had no idea who I was at this point). So thats what I did.

I went inside myself to find some sort of peace. I stopped cutting because I didn't have the urge to anymore, like I litteraly tried but I couldn't do it because I did nothing for me. And I found God again. I looked for myself and found God. Things automatically got better, I swear. For months I was so good! I was actually happy with myself.

(I know there is a lot of people out there who don't believe in God but this is what happened to me and I even though you might not think He was behind any of it, I know he was. Don't think I am preaching or anything because I wouldn't do that to anyone)

Happiness doesn't last long. I hated my self again. Started binging and purging, starving, absolutely disgusted in myself, thinking there is no other way to be happy again.

If it isn't cutting, its an eating disorder. One or the other. I can't ever be happy for long.

And here I am.
And everyday is a struggle. Everyday I see my scars, everyday I fight with myself to not start cutting again.
So yeah, the long and short of it. We all have different experieces but I am sure some of you can relate.

Friday, April 16, 2010

down a size and a half.

I feel absolutely crushed today. It started out so well too. But good things never last. I am just going to tell you about my day because yesterday I forgot to take into consideration that I have to work tonight and I don't have enough time to sit down and write the rest of my story. So tomorrow I promise you will get the rest of it.

I was basically told today by one of my friends that I should give up because this guy might just not be that into me. We were watching the movie "He's just not that into you" in class and yeah, well that's what she said to me when we talked about my boy troubles. Brutally honest right? Because I want to talk to him and I want him to want to talk to me, but it doesn't seem to be going that way for me. I was told to give up.

Now giving up is a really bad thing for me to do. Because the thing I hate most is having to give up. I have had to give up so much in my life and I don't want to have to give up anymore. When I have to give up I get extremely depressed which leads to really bad things. Even if this guy is ugly (to some), a player, an asshole (to me...once, but I don't care if he hurts me) and all these other things people see in him I don't care because I WANT HIM. He is the only thing I have ever thought I had a chance with and I don't want to give up again. Now, your probably thinking this guys a douche and why the hell am I even bothering? Well to tell you the truth, I have a problem with going for the wrong guys. I don't think I deserve or have a chance with anything better so I refuse to think of the possibility of anything good happening. So I hurt myself again and again.

So, yeah I am completely discouraged, I don't know what to do. I want this boy so bad!! I want to say that yeah, I actually got what I wanted for a chance. I don't care if it ends bad, I just want a chance. Should I give up?

The scale was down a pound today. So I have only 2.2 pounds to lose to get to my next goal. I think it was my heart that shrank. Not my body.

I don't want to give up.

Second part of story tomorrow.

Let's hope I make it through the night. I don't feel so perfect right now.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

testimony part 1

So it all started when I turned 16. Literally. Because before I turned 16 I was a naive girl who hated alcohol, weed, tattoos, piercings, I was just a shy little girl who did nothing... basically a fly on the wall to everyone.

(My throat seems to be swelling and my hands shaking as I begin to write this. So this could be harder than I expected it to be... yep. definitely going to be hard...)

I had a job the summer the summer I turned 16 but for some reason I could not work. On top of hating this job I just had so much anxiety to go everyday. I would cry every morning because I didn't want to go. I called in sick at least 3 out of 5 days of the week. I just couldn't handle it so I quit, and I didn't tell my family before hand because they would tell me I'm stupid. I had a month all to myself before school started again and I finally agreed to get a tattoo (by this time I wanted one, my mom always wanted me to get one but I always said ew, no, until this point)

I got the tattoo a week before school started (gr.11, my school goes up till gr. 12 if yours doesn't) and I also agreed to smoke weed. With my family... not a normal teenager with friends, no my mother and older sister. So I went back to school with a totally different feeling. I felt way more mature. But I don't know why but I couldn't handle normal day things anymore. I just couldn't. I wanted something to help me because I didn't have anything at all. I had nothing that was mine. When I look back on it, the main reason (on top of LOADS of other things) was the fact that I needed something all my own to make me feel better because I felt so empty. I didn't have drugs, or I would've done that, but I had nothing else. So I cut. (on the verge of crying...)

The first time was wimpy little scratches on my leg. I have always cut on my leg because I could hide it. But I never stopped after the first time. Every damn day there were new cuts on my leg. I started to write a journal, that I have read over and over again and I can tell you that within the first week I had counted 70 cuts on my leg. Once I made 30 cuts in one sitting.

*Now when I cut, I don't do it majorly deep. I'm more of a scratcher, as long as their is blood coming out its good. The only problem is, is that once I started I couldn't stop until there are so many cuts. One was never good enough. Five was not good enough.

From that point on my days consisted on going home and cutting and my day wasn't complete until I cut. After the first couple of weeks there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cut. I wouldn't LET a day go by. I look back on it and realize that I was literally addicted. There was no cutting because I felt bad (of course there were days like that, but not everyday) I cut everyday because I was scared to let a day go by without cutting. SO SCARED. Who was I without it? I was no one. That was all I had!

So months progressed and it got really bad. I had no room on my legs, I cut my stomach but that produced nothing for me and eventually moved to my arms. And I was empty. So empty. I didn't make plans because I didn't think I had a future. Yes, I was so suicidal. I was planning my motherfucking suicide. I almost did on Halloween. I have ever since hated that day. And then I planned to do it during Christmas break. I was planning the letters to leave people, what I would say, who I would blame. Planning to slit my wrists. It was really bad.

By December I was a mess. I was taking way too many extra strength Tylenol all the time because I wanted to be close to dead. I didn't care anymore.

Now this is where it gets interesting...

One day I took extra strength Tylenol again but it was during school. So in my first period, the school nurse came to our class to do a little seminar on drugs and shit and I couldn't even concentrate, I couldn't sit still my mind was racing just as face as my blood. But she said something that I'll never forget, because it basically changed my life. She's like "most kids come to me because their depressed or something and I help them. Obviously if they were going to jump off a bridge I would have to tell somebody but other than that I am completely confidential". Right then and there I decided that after that class I would go to her and ask for help.

And I have no idea how I walked to the nurses office that day. I couldn't feel a thing, I don't know how I knew where to go or how to navigate the halls because my mind was literally blank. (I believe God had something to do with it, but you believe what you want)

When I got there I sat down nervous as hell. Literally! I'm like "ummm I really don't know what to do right now, or how to tell you, so maybe I'll just show you?" I pulled my sleeve up for what was about 2 seconds and shes like "your a cutter". My heart sank faster than she could get on the phone. She asked me a bunch of stupid questions and called the hospital to tell them that she was sending me there. (Yeah my heart was on fucking fire, I was thinking "what the hell! I didn't want to go to the hospital!! NO!!!") So she called a teacher that I used to love because she was so nice, she asked her to take me there and I went. I basically had no choice. My mind was blank and I just did whatever I was told.

When I got there I was into see one nurse and shes like what can I do for you? And I'm like ugh... I'm here cause I cut myself and I need to see something like a crisis nurse? and she told me she was glad I was getting help blah blah blah Tylenol will rot your liver blah blah blah, you could've overdosed. Then I saw a crisis nurse who was like, do you need to stay here over night? (in the motherfucking mental ward!) and I'm like no I definitely do NOT want to stay over night and they kept saying they don't want me to go home and hurt myself. I'm like hello I'm here because I want to stop I'm not going to go home and cut myself again. Then I saw the psychiatrist who hardly asked any questions and was like yep you have depression and anxiety, here are some safe pills come back in three months bye. (this is of course a really short explanation of all this, its already so long!!!)

So when I got home and told everyone, my mother was so disgusted, you could tell by the way she looked at me, my parents blamed music, books and everything but themselves. My sister said she was going to go through my room and take every sharp object out (which i totally objected because I didn't want her to find my journals) and I told everyone that I wanted this to be over please don't mention it again, I'm fine don't worry. And it was never mentioned again.

I'm going to stop here because this is super long and I don't want to bore you. Comment on this stuff so far and I'll post the rest tomorrow?

I don't feel worth it today.

The work that I have been trying to do seems insignificant and it won't work. I know that the dress I'm wearing today will make me look really good but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. I don't feel worth it. It's not going to work.

I checked the scale this morning, against my own will and it showed no gain and a little loss. I expected to be a couple of pounds heavier because of all the shit I've been putting in my mouth but I was really good. Although it was only a couple decimals down, its closer than I was before. And I've realized that I need to view how many pounds I need to lose in a different way. Instead of saying I need to be 147, I need to tell myself it is just 3.2 pounds away. Theres a different affect right?

So, yeah... I just wanted to post my feelings about how nothing seems worth it today... but things might change I don't know.

I will post my "testimony" tonight.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

ordinary's just not good enough today

So, after looking so gorgeous today (not really but I tried) the boy wasn't at school and he didn't get to see me...sad face. But I might wear a dress tomorrow and maybe that will be even better. I don't know. So that means that I haven't talked to him yet. And I probably won't until late tonight...since he seems to be somewhat of a night owl. What types of things should I talk to him about? I'm obviously only going to text him and I want to keep the convo going. I seem to a have a problem with keeping them interested because I just don't know what the heck to talk about. So your input would be gladly appreciated.

It seems that I have put all my focus on trying so hard for this boys attention that I have to admit, I have majorly been slacking in the food area. Ice cream and chocolate????? Bad I know. But I have just been craving chocolate bars for the past couple of days. And it is horrible. I didn't eat during school but on the way home my friends persuaded me to buy an ice cream with I did. AND I bought a kinder egg. So bam theres 580 calories. All I need to do is eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Has anybody else had issues with self harm? I kind of want to post my story on here but I am not sure if you want to hear about it... but if you do I'll write it all up. It would be nice to get my story out. I have never told anyone before so.... yeah let me know.

Oh and thanks for all the support so far. I really appreciate it. And I'll say this again, I DO read your blogs... but I have no idea what to say if I were to comment. So, thats why I hardly comment. Just sayin...

I don't want to jinx it but...

Today is a VERY good day. And it has got to get better. Because it is only 8 am. So all of the things that made my day fan freaking tastic happened in the middle of the night.

#1(the most exciting thing): I finally got the courage, with the help of a very good friend, to talk to that boy. And guess what! he doesn't hate me!! ahaha, that's an accomplishment. (I am probably more excited than you are about that) I didn't really expect him to reply last night but low and behold he did. It just happen to be while I was sleeping. Whats up with these late nighters?

#2: My hair is done and my new outfit is on. I am sure I don't look bad but I always think I do. Changing this morning was a nightmare because I know the clothes could look SO MUCH BETTER. If only that one little fact were true: if I was skinny. But I am not.

As I was over my friends house last night we were taking and she told me some very interesting things about myself. She said "I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend. Your just so pretty, and so nice" And she wasn't just trying to make me feel better she was actually serious. But I just couldn't believe her. I'm like yeah well I'm fat, and ugly. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I am nice but you gotta get past my ugliness first. But she said I was wrong (being legit serious again) and it makes me think... maybe I actually am somewhat attractive... I wish I could see it!! :(

Yeah so I hope the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. Wish me luck with the boy!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ugh, wrong type of thinspo...

So today was a major F.A.I.L. I fucking hate myself because I can't take this serious enough. I keep thinking "tomorrow is a new day and you can start over". Yeah well that happens every flipping day and I can't keep telling myself that. Its now or never and if I screw up that means I fail. Plain and simple.

I bought a whole bunch of clothes today but it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Changing in front of a mirror and trying to fit into pants that don't fit is devastating. I was going to fucking CRY in the change room. Because I am so fucking F.A.T, it was horrible. so so so horrible.

And my mother is a whole different type of story! Man, if you had my mother I swear you'd be 60 pounds by now. It was non-stop complaining about how she is so fat and blah blah blah type shit. And after I ate I was like "I want to be skinny (sad face)". You know how she responded? Here's a laugh: "You know you you can be, here's all you have to do: Stop eating bread, eat under 500 calories and exercise a lot." Ha, well guess what mother! That's what I've been trying to flipping do!! Oh gosh if she only knew. (She'd probably encourage it anyways.) My my my.
So that's my plan. Mother knows best right? I can't keep slacking. No motherfucking carbs. They are the death of me I swear. I WILL stick to my goals. I hate failing.

I've just been out of it today. Do you ever have one of those days that start out fine, you think nothing is wrong and then someones like "you look down today" and then all of a sudden you are? I just feel horrible about myself. I want to cry, but I won't.

By the way, sorry about all the "motherfuckings". I just feel that I need to warn you about my love for that word. Hope you don't mind ahah.

Eden xox.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I've come too far to take orders from a cookie

I think I broke one of my goals today. I ate some carbs, which breaks my little heart but there is nothing I can do about it now but to move forward.
Yesterday was fantastic! I swear I ate maybe 350 calories? Walked 150 of it off? I was very light headed at work and I swear I could feel my stomach digest itself a bit. (probably not but what ever). I could feel the digestion process happening when I knew that there was nothing to digest, since I ate hours before. I like that feeling. I want the fat to disappear!!!

And last night I had a dream where I was so scared to go on the scale and when I did there was no change in my weight and I was so pissed off. I was mad because I was trying my hardest and nothing happened. But that was a dream. And I forced myself to check the scale this morning and I am surprised that there was no change, and I wasn't even that mad. Its better then gain right? And it can only go down if I just keep restricting! And that may be a problem tonight because my sister is bringing home dinner. Which to my luck is only meat and carbs. Whatever, I'll find a way around it. Chew and spit? Maybe. Its gross I know but its better than eating it.

I get to go SHOPPING TOMORROW! Which is fantastic to me, I'll be able to buy a lot of new clothes that will hopefully make me look better (skinnier), then Tuesday I'll get my hair done. So, my plan is that all this will prepare for Wednesday, which hopefully that certain boy I've been telling you about will be at school and I can make him take a second glance in my direction. Or some stares. I don't mind as long as he is looking at me! (Oh gosh I think about him way too much!!)

Eden xox.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The rush is worth the price I pay.

I feel kind of sick right now. I don't know why but I feel like puking. All I had today was a tea, and orange, and a multivitamin pill. I am thinking that the nausea may had something to do with the multivitamin. It says I have to eat with it, which I did, but if its requiring more than what I ate I am not going to take them anymore. Even though I desperately need them. I don't want my hair falling out (more than it already does). So I need these vitamins. I don't know, I'll keep trying them I guess.
And I've got new motivation! In my last post I mentioned that one of my goals was to get a certain boy want me. And boy do I ever want him to want me. It's ridiculous. And I shouldn't even want him to want me. You know why? Because he was a complete dick to me. It was all good and then bam, I didn't exist to him anymore. But I can't get him off my mind and he is everywhere I go. I don't know why I like him again. I need a slap in the face I really do, but I doubt that would help me. I'm love stuck girls! For a complete asshole.... ha.

So, maybe I don't exactly want a relationship with him at this point but I want to look so good that he can't take his eyes off me. I want him to WANT to talk to me again. So, that is my goal: To look so damn fine that he can't resist me.

Good enough thinspiration? I think so.

I hope I don't eat anymore today. That would be really good because I ate so much the past to days, I need to fix it. I am not even going to look at the scale till Monday. I can't imagine how much I gained.
I've been really into Ke$ha lately. Have you all heard of her? Her personality annoys me (because she acts like a drunk) but she has some good music. It's all I've been listening to for days.

Eden xox


Friday, April 9, 2010


I totally destroyed dinner tonight. It sucks so bad to be this full. I hate being this full. But tomorrows a new day and I have some goals that I have set for myself.

1) Absolutely not carbs or meat. Because carbs and meat = fat fat fat.
2)Be better at doing my homework and don't let my job get in the way of it. (I've been stressed to the max trying to finish essays and stuff that I have left till last minute. So no more of that!)
3)No eating at work.
4)Make a certain boy wish he had me ;)
5)Get to my second and third weight loss goal in the next week or two.

Sound good? Hopefully I can achieve these goals because they can definitely improve my life. Like they are good goals to set for yourself right?

Do any of you feel that this counting calorie, restricting, sometimes binging and purging thing won't stop? Like I can't even imagine myself not taking into account how many calories are in things when I eat. Its constantly there. Saying NO don't eat that because it is all fat! I don't know. What do you think?

Oh and I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning because as I was laying down, I felt more skinny, I could feel my ribs just a bit and I liked it. I didn't want to get up because it felt so nice.

Eden xox.


Thursday, April 8, 2010


I have these two friends right. And one is bulimic, the other is anorexic. They haven't flat out said "I am this or I am that" but it's pretty damn obvious they are. And you want to know why? It's because they flaunt it around like its a boyfriend. Well, at least one of them does, the other is a sweetheart and I hope that he gets better. Yes, I said he.

This confuses the shit out of me because if you have a problem right, if you starved yourself or threw up everything you ate would you go around telling people this???!?! Like my anorexic friend eats, but then she complains for about ten hours about how she feels fat and blah blah blah. Like I don't go around asking people "am i fat?".

And it makes me mad because here I am starving myself, puking my guts out (I've been puking a lot for the past couple of days. I don't know why I can't stop) and exercising so much just so I can get some sort of satisfaction that I am not absolutely worthless and eventually can feel somewhat pretty and this girl just likes to create attention for herself. Like I am just so sick and tired of hearing her complain to me about how she is just not going to eat this or that. Like I have fucking problems too, your not queen of the world bitch.

Sorry if that sounds really mean, but I have major problems with this girl.

And my friend who is bulimic used to come and talk to me all the time (before I was deep into my own stuff) and I would try to help him and make him feel better but I haven't talked to him in a while and it makes me really worried. I wish I could tell him that I do the same thing he is doing. I really wish I could. Because he wouldn't judge.

The girl on the other hand, she definitely would. Because no one else has problems. Only she does right?

Besides your blogs, do you go around telling all your friends that you don't eat? Or that if they are eating something do you go to them and tell them that what they are eating is disgusting and hence you are too for eating it.

Sorry if this little rant sounds horribly hypocritical or bitchy but I really hate people who think the world revolves around them.

Do any of you have friends like this? I hope not. Because they make you feel horrible without giving it a second thought.

But as for me, like I said I have been purging a lot. I would just eat and throw up. I did it once while everyone was here too! Like people just cleared out for like 5 minutes, which was long enough for me to get rid of the small little bowl of pasta. It was just good timing.

Today was a little worse because I did binge and purge but like 10 minutes ago I just binged. Didn't even think of purging because I have just done it so much lately. And tomorrow I am taking my mom out for dinner.Which was my choice only because I want to pay her back for a lot that she has done for me when I had no money. I don't live with my mom so I want to do this for her. Maybe just have salmon? that doesn't sound too bad. I am going to go to the restaurant's website or something and look for the calories in everything they have and then make a decision.

I want to make my blog more interestng for everyone who read it. Not just me rambling about eating this or not eating that. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Anywho, I'd like to hear feedback from you. If you think I am a bitch for my little rant you can tell me. It will only hurt for a little while haha.

Eden xox.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The scale today showed me what I wanted to see. 150 pounds. After 2 weeks of going up and down on the scale I finally made it there and I promise you this, I won't allow myself one pound heavier. I will keep going because if I can get to 150 pounds I know that losing more weight is possible. I just got to keep working at it.

I got to keep to around 500 calories and not go above that at any cost. Purging is a must if I have to.

I know that if I lose more weight I can eventually look like this:

The weight will come off my girls! If I lost 3-5 pounds you can too!

Eden xox


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sleepless Nights.

Yesterday I ate a total of 600 calories, which is only 200 away from my goal. It was pretty easy to do this because when I had a whole bunch of food in front of me at the end of the night, instead of purging it all up, I just didn't swallow it. Which sounds gross, the whole "chew and spit" thing but really, sometimes you need to do it. After a while you just want to get it over with and you don't end up wanting to eat everything. Might do this more often I think...

After work last night I could not go to sleep at all, and by the time I had to get up and get ready for school, I hadn't even fallen asleep. So, I just refused to go to school. It would've been pointless. But I knew that I needed sleep so I chugged about 1 cup of milk, which I just found out is about the equivalent of 125 calories. And I ate a bowl of fruit loops, 170 calories. So, that just means less food today.

My dad is actually making dinner tonight. Spaghetti. Which used to be my favourite food but not any more. Because it is a recipe for fatness. The noodles alone are like 300 calories!! So I might just take 2-3 bites and throw the rest out. I can't chance eating more than that.

Yesterday on Dr. Phil he was talking about child obesity and O. M. G. It was so so so so sad. These 13 year olds weigh more than I do!! And then he brought out chicken fat and showed how much 40 pounds look like and I was about to cry. It was just so damn sad! And today he is doing something like the debate on fat. Sounds interesting...

Anyways, I hope you all reach your goals for the day!

Eden xox


Monday, April 5, 2010

What nourishes me destroys me

A lot of you skinny little bloggers seem to be having some trouble with the whole chocolate/Easter festivities and I somehow really wish I could relate. To say that my parents and family made a beautiful dinner and bought lots of yummy chocolate and it was all happy Easter loving shit. But it wasn't. I haven't been given anything for Easter for 6 years. So, maybe it is a good thing that I don't have and candy to binge on but it saddens me. I wish I had that. Even if I were to puke it all up.
I would like to say that I stuck to my goal that I wrote yesterday but I didn't. I ate maybe 900 calories total? Walked a lot too, so even though it wasn't 400 calories, it wasn't completely horrible.
I will make my goal 400 calories every single day until it sticks. Because 400 calories is what my body deserves and anything else is spoiling it. And I have been spoiling my body for years, that is why I am fat fat fat!

With my first pay check I plan on buying laxatives, diet pills, a new jogging outfit and some really healthy food. On top of a whole new wardrobe (which I am really excited about.)

And, I am pretty sure I am getting my period soon. I don't know how I feel about that because for some reason I don't eat a lot. I get weird cravings and stuff but I don't eat a lot and I feel full most of the time. Hopefully I feel that way this time but you never know.
Stay strong my skinny little things!!!

Eden xox.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

I will get back on track today. I am going to make my limit for the day 400 calories and stick to that limit all week. So,hold me to it and expect me to say whether or not it happened okay?

So this far I've had:

Orange: (62)
1/2 cup of Special K Blueberry: (~85)

and for the rest of the day:

Orange: (62)
2 Rice cakes: (70)
Light cream cheese: (70)

Total: (349)

Also, I must have the whole body dysmorphic disorder because I think I am a whale when I may not be. Because I see people who weight about 180 (a friend of mine) and I think they look way more thinner than I do. I still think I look the same from when I was 180. I don't see a change at all. But I am 30 pounds lighter. So there should be a change right? I don't see it.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a (psychological) anxiety disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). Depending on the individual case, BDD may either be an anxiety disorder or part of an eating disorder or both: BDD always includes a debilitating or excessive fear of judgement by others, as is seen with social anxiety, social phobia and some OCD problems; or alternately may be a part of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and compulsive overeating.

(Well, that makes it obvious. And I am sure I am not the one.)

Eden xox


Saturday, April 3, 2010

I am NOT doing good.

I have been eating too much and I swear I'm ballooning to the size of a fucking whale. Everyday I see myself in a reflection of some sort I think:

"I am so fat! My face is so ugly! How can people even stand to look at me?! How do I even have friends? Fat ugly people don't have friends. I am such a disgrace!"

And when I get home from work feeling absolutely disgusting I break down crying because to tell you the truth, I think I am really depressed...again. Because every single day I think how easy it would be to just end it all because it would be so much easier to not have to deal with this world. Like, I see people interacting and doing normal things and it confuses the shit out of me. I don't know why but I don't think I fit here at all.

And I don't even want to feed myself. Right now, its not at the point where I want to lose weight, I still do of course, but I just don't want to feed myself because I don't think I deserve it and every time I eat I hate myself. So I want to avoid that feeling as much as possible.

I hope this storm passes over soon and I hope I don't come out of it 10 pounds heavier.

Eden xox.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal

Thanks everyone for the amazing support that I have gotten so far. It means a lot to me.

I see myself having a tremendously busy day today. I also don't see myself having any time to eat. Which is very good.

The motivation and the will to lose weight is in me. It is in all of us. And now I can finally feel it. I have a lot of hope for today and the next couple of days and I am excited to see the scale go down. I know it will.

I know sometimes that we have all this hope and then we end up binging uncontrollably and it all brings us down. But it is a new month and I see that most of you already have new goals. There is always a chance to start again.

Good luck everyone!!

Eden xox :)