Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My nerves have been in such a jumble. I have been soo busy too. This is the first day that I have had a day to just chill at home. This is much needed.
I have at least gotten somewhat of a break during all of this though. I have had no appetite. And when I did eat, I didn't eat much. I never wanted to binge at all. I never thought about calories, or even worried about how much I was eating because I probably ate less than 1000 calories a day, if that. I walked so much too. Another thing, you probably don't want to know this, but I had no need for laxatives either. My body was cleaning itself out majorly!! All the stress wasn't for me I guess. Good right?
Motives and Goals for the next two months:
1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days)
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else.
5)Have a date for prom
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. (This has been done for me)
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party
11)Be more confident (It's coming...)
1)Fit into size 5 jeans and size medium perfectly.
2)Never have to look at muffin tops
3)Have my thighs touch less
4)Wear clothes that I think are gorgeous and not just what fits.
5)Arms need to be less fat
6)Collar bones stick out
7)Hip bones stick out more
8)Feel my ribs stick out when laying down (more than they already do)
9)Be able to take compliments without thinking its a lie
10)Be beautiful, in my eyes.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Instead of dwelling on how alone I felt. I just masked it. Or, my body did all the masking for me because I didn't even need to try to pretend that I wasn't feeling anything because I really wasn't. I still can't feel any sort of emotion. I got majorly high last night, totally tripped out to the point where I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I still kind of feel that way now, which is really scaring me. Like who takes a shower and FORGETS to wash their hair?!?! Like what the hell did I do in the shower for 10 minutes and not wash my hair? Oh, and don't text the guy you like when your tripping out because it is so confusing. Um yeah, you probably don't want to hear about all this. You probably think I'm some sort of a druggy.
My teeth hurt so bad. I feel like I have lost my mind. HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!! HOW WILL I FUNCTION!!
Its scarier than you think.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
If you ever want a boost of confidence, cut the words fat and ugly on your legs. (sarcasm)
Every cut I made took away all the confidence I had in me, the little that I had to begin with. I was left with nothing. I felt so alone.
I was so depressed after that because I needed that confidence back. I needed it more now then ever and I couldn't go on with out it. So I built myself back up. Little by little. I could not stay in that state of mind for very long. It was so hard. But I got some of myself back.
I know that I still have those cuts on my legs, that have to heal. But as they do, I will heal along with them.
I am worth it. I am beautiful and I will only get more beautiful. I have the best friends in the world. Not a lot of them, but the ones I have are amazing. My body does not deserve any more cuts.
Thank you for all of your support. I know I am not alone in this.
I think I am going to take this weekend and get a list of my goals and motives together just like ElikaPeka23 did (shes amazing!) and try to find that confidence again.
I am so glad to have all of you!!
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'll be posting again on Tuesday maybe :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
I am going to try to not eat so much. I'm tired of ruining everything.
Excited to see the boy at school today! (He keeps texting me :D)
Oh, and thank for all the support girls! Your so lovely :D
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I am not sure if this is even really her? But if it is then its great thinspo right? Shes gorgeous, you got to admit.
I don't even want to eat today. I feel that if I do then I am sabotaging myself. I want to be the best I can be by Monday and that means if I can lose 2 pounds by then, then I will try my darnest. I just have no want in me to eat anything. But, it is the morning and I don't want to say that I plan on eating nothing because if I do, it will be a lie, and I would be lying to everyone. I am going to try to stick to under 200 calories anyways but if it goes to just liquids that's fine.
This guy might actual like me and that is so weird! Looking back on the texts, he tried to ask me to hang out like 3 times yesterday and I said I was busy not even thinking of what his intention was. Like I just wanted the conversation to keep going right? So I would just ask random questions and bam he would go straight to asking what I am doing this day or that day. I didn't even realize it. And my friend is sitting there like omg, he likes you! I was in totally disbelief. Maybe he does, maybe we are just being girls and over analyzing everything and he really doesn't.
We shall see!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I went to the movies last night and to not look like a complete fool in front of the guy I was with I ate lots of candy and popcorn with him. I made sure I walked a lot though so I even though I ate more than I should've, the walking would keep my calorie intake down.
Today is my 600 calories intake day and I am allowed to eat about 150 more calories for the day. Which I should be good with. Hopefully. The only thing that sucks about the 2468 diet is that somedays 800 calories seem too much. I eat them of course, but I don't think I deserve to be allowed those calories. I feel like I am cheating by giving myself an 800 calorie day. Which is tomorrow.... :
I'm sick of feeling my fat thighs rubbing together. I am sick of not seeing my collar bones pop out more. I am sick of how many calories are in such small foods! I hate calories!!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Anyhow, so people have been calling me pretty A LOT lately. I don't know if its the new clothes or something but people keep telling me that I am a really pretty girl. And you know what? I think its bullshit. I can't be pretty, not with the fat I have circling around my stomach, thighs and arms. When that goes away then yeah maybe, I'll be pretty. But until then I refuse to believe their lies!! Oh, and I am still waiting for the day that a guy calls me pretty. I might believe it then a little bit more. Their opinion is the only one that would make a difference at this point. (I have issues)
But yeah my day was filled with drama and shitty friends that stab me in the back as I forgive them over and over again.
Also, i've always wanted to be that girl with the nice indie clothes and stuff. They always look so nice and put together. THINSPO!! :) (these pictures aren't all indie and stuff but I like them)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
On my break at work I searched around a store for ten minutes just looking at the calories on everything! And I found these and got them. I was so happy too because I didn't ruin anything for myself. I didn't eat the orange so my calorie intake for today was 230. Which I don't think is bad at all!
My sister made dinner when I got home so I just took it upstairs, did some chew and spit and threw the rest out.
I walked to and from work.
For eating only 230 calories I feel fucking fantastic!
It won't last I'm sure but I'm going to be glad for the moment.
You can do it too girls!!! I'm sending skinny vibes your way!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
2 4 6 8 diet!!!
I might as well try it out right? And I've already ruined today so I have to try tomorrow. I have been losing my motivation for the past couple of days but I won't let myself slip again. Nope. I need to lose this weight and I need to try so hard for days. I'll go on the 2468 diet until the 30th. That's my goal. To reach keep it going till then, that's all I need. Hopefully a couple pounds will shead by then.
Please keep me motivated!! I will try to keep you all motivated too! I'll post thinspo pictures, music and all that jazz.
Eden xox :)
So after the whole hospital mistake, I of course cut after things settled down. Just a couple lines near the top of my legs and that was only to get it out of my system, because I totally had the intent to stop. I really can't think of another reason that I wanted to stop besides I wasn't ready to die after that.
I started looking into reading the bible and stuff. I really did think that God gave me a second chance because I have no idea how I got the courage to stop or do anything I did. It still confuses me. So yeah I tried to read the bible and become more religious, I got like 3 bibles for Christmas because I told my family that I believed in God now. The rest of my family doesn't believe. Religion was never talked about growing up so as I was trying to do this I had no idea what to do or how to change my life. I felt like I was doing everything so wrong. It's harder than you think to just up and change your ways of thinking after not thinking that way for 16 years.
When I went back to school after Christmas break I was let down so bad. Because I really did want to change my life for the better but I noticed that no one around me changed. Obviously they had no idea about the shit that I had just been through. I told absolutely no one. Not one friend. Still haven't. And everyone treated me the same, no one cared about my feelings and it was just so hard to think about myself positively when no one else cared. Everything simmered down and eventually went back to the old ways.
I struggled this way for a couple of months, then my dad started going away every weekend leaving me alone. By this time I hated myself again because I just felt so ugly. I have always felt ugly but it blossomed more by this time and I needed to do something. So when I was home alone I would go on binges. Then I threw everything up. I did that every time I was alone for a couple months. Then I had a couple months when I stopped doing that, I am not sure how or why but I didn't do it anymore and I was neutral for a couple months after that.
Over the summer I lost a bunch of weight because I hardly saw any of my friends and it was easier to stop eating. When I look back it confuses me to see how much weight I lost in about 2 months because its way harder now. But thats besides the point.
I went back to school and started cutting again. I again felt more mature and new things were happening to me and I liked those new things. I was finally talking to all these boys and I would totally fall in love with them and it would turn out bad. My friends were peices of shit to me and I just took it because I had nothing else. I went back to the only thing I knew, the only thing that made me feel good because no one in my life was ever trying to make me feel good. No one ever cared. I knew that once I started cutting again I wouldn't stop, because there was no way in hell that I would put myself through the shit I went through last year. I would kill myself before that happened.
So heart break after heart break happened and every time a new guy would come along I would use it as a chance to think that maybe this one would change my life. I would stop cutting for them. They would understand. But that never happened and I was falling into a deeper mess that I had no idea how to get out of.
I stopped caring. I didn't feel right. Some days I felt nothing at all. I didn't think I belonged here. There was no purpose, there were no dreams, I felt lost in some cerebral nightmare and I didn't even want to get out again.
I was talking to a friend, one who is really spirital and stuff, about my boy problems and how I thought I was absolutely worthless without them, I don't understand why these things don't work out, how bad could I be? She told me that before I was ever going to be able to love someone or be loved I needed to love myself and find out who I truly was (which I had no idea who I was at this point). So thats what I did.
I went inside myself to find some sort of peace. I stopped cutting because I didn't have the urge to anymore, like I litteraly tried but I couldn't do it because I did nothing for me. And I found God again. I looked for myself and found God. Things automatically got better, I swear. For months I was so good! I was actually happy with myself.
(I know there is a lot of people out there who don't believe in God but this is what happened to me and I even though you might not think He was behind any of it, I know he was. Don't think I am preaching or anything because I wouldn't do that to anyone)
Happiness doesn't last long. I hated my self again. Started binging and purging, starving, absolutely disgusted in myself, thinking there is no other way to be happy again.
If it isn't cutting, its an eating disorder. One or the other. I can't ever be happy for long.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I was basically told today by one of my friends that I should give up because this guy might just not be that into me. We were watching the movie "He's just not that into you" in class and yeah, well that's what she said to me when we talked about my boy troubles. Brutally honest right? Because I want to talk to him and I want him to want to talk to me, but it doesn't seem to be going that way for me. I was told to give up.
Now giving up is a really bad thing for me to do. Because the thing I hate most is having to give up. I have had to give up so much in my life and I don't want to have to give up anymore. When I have to give up I get extremely depressed which leads to really bad things. Even if this guy is ugly (to some), a player, an asshole (to me...once, but I don't care if he hurts me) and all these other things people see in him I don't care because I WANT HIM. He is the only thing I have ever thought I had a chance with and I don't want to give up again. Now, your probably thinking this guys a douche and why the hell am I even bothering? Well to tell you the truth, I have a problem with going for the wrong guys. I don't think I deserve or have a chance with anything better so I refuse to think of the possibility of anything good happening. So I hurt myself again and again.
So, yeah I am completely discouraged, I don't know what to do. I want this boy so bad!! I want to say that yeah, I actually got what I wanted for a chance. I don't care if it ends bad, I just want a chance. Should I give up?
The scale was down a pound today. So I have only 2.2 pounds to lose to get to my next goal. I think it was my heart that shrank. Not my body.
I don't want to give up.
Second part of story tomorrow.
Let's hope I make it through the night. I don't feel so perfect right now.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
(My throat seems to be swelling and my hands shaking as I begin to write this. So this could be harder than I expected it to be... yep. definitely going to be hard...)
I had a job the summer the summer I turned 16 but for some reason I could not work. On top of hating this job I just had so much anxiety to go everyday. I would cry every morning because I didn't want to go. I called in sick at least 3 out of 5 days of the week. I just couldn't handle it so I quit, and I didn't tell my family before hand because they would tell me I'm stupid. I had a month all to myself before school started again and I finally agreed to get a tattoo (by this time I wanted one, my mom always wanted me to get one but I always said ew, no, until this point)
I got the tattoo a week before school started (gr.11, my school goes up till gr. 12 if yours doesn't) and I also agreed to smoke weed. With my family... not a normal teenager with friends, no my mother and older sister. So I went back to school with a totally different feeling. I felt way more mature. But I don't know why but I couldn't handle normal day things anymore. I just couldn't. I wanted something to help me because I didn't have anything at all. I had nothing that was mine. When I look back on it, the main reason (on top of LOADS of other things) was the fact that I needed something all my own to make me feel better because I felt so empty. I didn't have drugs, or I would've done that, but I had nothing else. So I cut. (on the verge of crying...)
The first time was wimpy little scratches on my leg. I have always cut on my leg because I could hide it. But I never stopped after the first time. Every damn day there were new cuts on my leg. I started to write a journal, that I have read over and over again and I can tell you that within the first week I had counted 70 cuts on my leg. Once I made 30 cuts in one sitting.
*Now when I cut, I don't do it majorly deep. I'm more of a scratcher, as long as their is blood coming out its good. The only problem is, is that once I started I couldn't stop until there are so many cuts. One was never good enough. Five was not good enough.
From that point on my days consisted on going home and cutting and my day wasn't complete until I cut. After the first couple of weeks there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cut. I wouldn't LET a day go by. I look back on it and realize that I was literally addicted. There was no cutting because I felt bad (of course there were days like that, but not everyday) I cut everyday because I was scared to let a day go by without cutting. SO SCARED. Who was I without it? I was no one. That was all I had!
So months progressed and it got really bad. I had no room on my legs, I cut my stomach but that produced nothing for me and eventually moved to my arms. And I was empty. So empty. I didn't make plans because I didn't think I had a future. Yes, I was so suicidal. I was planning my motherfucking suicide. I almost did on Halloween. I have ever since hated that day. And then I planned to do it during Christmas break. I was planning the letters to leave people, what I would say, who I would blame. Planning to slit my wrists. It was really bad.
By December I was a mess. I was taking way too many extra strength Tylenol all the time because I wanted to be close to dead. I didn't care anymore.
Now this is where it gets interesting...
One day I took extra strength Tylenol again but it was during school. So in my first period, the school nurse came to our class to do a little seminar on drugs and shit and I couldn't even concentrate, I couldn't sit still my mind was racing just as face as my blood. But she said something that I'll never forget, because it basically changed my life. She's like "most kids come to me because their depressed or something and I help them. Obviously if they were going to jump off a bridge I would have to tell somebody but other than that I am completely confidential". Right then and there I decided that after that class I would go to her and ask for help.
And I have no idea how I walked to the nurses office that day. I couldn't feel a thing, I don't know how I knew where to go or how to navigate the halls because my mind was literally blank. (I believe God had something to do with it, but you believe what you want)
When I got there I sat down nervous as hell. Literally! I'm like "ummm I really don't know what to do right now, or how to tell you, so maybe I'll just show you?" I pulled my sleeve up for what was about 2 seconds and shes like "your a cutter". My heart sank faster than she could get on the phone. She asked me a bunch of stupid questions and called the hospital to tell them that she was sending me there. (Yeah my heart was on fucking fire, I was thinking "what the hell! I didn't want to go to the hospital!! NO!!!") So she called a teacher that I used to love because she was so nice, she asked her to take me there and I went. I basically had no choice. My mind was blank and I just did whatever I was told.
When I got there I was into see one nurse and shes like what can I do for you? And I'm like ugh... I'm here cause I cut myself and I need to see something like a crisis nurse? and she told me she was glad I was getting help blah blah blah Tylenol will rot your liver blah blah blah, you could've overdosed. Then I saw a crisis nurse who was like, do you need to stay here over night? (in the motherfucking mental ward!) and I'm like no I definitely do NOT want to stay over night and they kept saying they don't want me to go home and hurt myself. I'm like hello I'm here because I want to stop I'm not going to go home and cut myself again. Then I saw the psychiatrist who hardly asked any questions and was like yep you have depression and anxiety, here are some safe pills come back in three months bye. (this is of course a really short explanation of all this, its already so long!!!)
So when I got home and told everyone, my mother was so disgusted, you could tell by the way she looked at me, my parents blamed music, books and everything but themselves. My sister said she was going to go through my room and take every sharp object out (which i totally objected because I didn't want her to find my journals) and I told everyone that I wanted this to be over please don't mention it again, I'm fine don't worry. And it was never mentioned again.
I'm going to stop here because this is super long and I don't want to bore you. Comment on this stuff so far and I'll post the rest tomorrow?
I checked the scale this morning, against my own will and it showed no gain and a little loss. I expected to be a couple of pounds heavier because of all the shit I've been putting in my mouth but I was really good. Although it was only a couple decimals down, its closer than I was before. And I've realized that I need to view how many pounds I need to lose in a different way. Instead of saying I need to be 147, I need to tell myself it is just 3.2 pounds away. Theres a different affect right?
So, yeah... I just wanted to post my feelings about how nothing seems worth it today... but things might change I don't know.
I will post my "testimony" tonight.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
#1(the most exciting thing): I finally got the courage, with the help of a very good friend, to talk to that boy. And guess what! he doesn't hate me!! ahaha, that's an accomplishment. (I am probably more excited than you are about that) I didn't really expect him to reply last night but low and behold he did. It just happen to be while I was sleeping. Whats up with these late nighters?
#2: My hair is done and my new outfit is on. I am sure I don't look bad but I always think I do. Changing this morning was a nightmare because I know the clothes could look SO MUCH BETTER. If only that one little fact were true: if I was skinny. But I am not.
As I was over my friends house last night we were taking and she told me some very interesting things about myself. She said "I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend. Your just so pretty, and so nice" And she wasn't just trying to make me feel better she was actually serious. But I just couldn't believe her. I'm like yeah well I'm fat, and ugly. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I am nice but you gotta get past my ugliness first. But she said I was wrong (being legit serious again) and it makes me think... maybe I actually am somewhat attractive... I wish I could see it!! :(
Yeah so I hope the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. Wish me luck with the boy!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
1) Absolutely not carbs or meat. Because carbs and meat = fat fat fat.
2)Be better at doing my homework and don't let my job get in the way of it. (I've been stressed to the max trying to finish essays and stuff that I have left till last minute. So no more of that!)
3)No eating at work.
4)Make a certain boy wish he had me ;)
5)Get to my second and third weight loss goal in the next week or two.
Sound good? Hopefully I can achieve these goals because they can definitely improve my life. Like they are good goals to set for yourself right?
Do any of you feel that this counting calorie, restricting, sometimes binging and purging thing won't stop? Like I can't even imagine myself not taking into account how many calories are in things when I eat. Its constantly there. Saying NO don't eat that because it is all fat! I don't know. What do you think?
Oh and I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning because as I was laying down, I felt more skinny, I could feel my ribs just a bit and I liked it. I didn't want to get up because it felt so nice.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
This confuses the shit out of me because if you have a problem right, if you starved yourself or threw up everything you ate would you go around telling people this???!?! Like my anorexic friend eats, but then she complains for about ten hours about how she feels fat and blah blah blah. Like I don't go around asking people "am i fat?".
And it makes me mad because here I am starving myself, puking my guts out (I've been puking a lot for the past couple of days. I don't know why I can't stop) and exercising so much just so I can get some sort of satisfaction that I am not absolutely worthless and eventually can feel somewhat pretty and this girl just likes to create attention for herself. Like I am just so sick and tired of hearing her complain to me about how she is just not going to eat this or that. Like I have fucking problems too, your not queen of the world bitch.
Sorry if that sounds really mean, but I have major problems with this girl.
And my friend who is bulimic used to come and talk to me all the time (before I was deep into my own stuff) and I would try to help him and make him feel better but I haven't talked to him in a while and it makes me really worried. I wish I could tell him that I do the same thing he is doing. I really wish I could. Because he wouldn't judge.
The girl on the other hand, she definitely would. Because no one else has problems. Only she does right?
Besides your blogs, do you go around telling all your friends that you don't eat? Or that if they are eating something do you go to them and tell them that what they are eating is disgusting and hence you are too for eating it.
Sorry if this little rant sounds horribly hypocritical or bitchy but I really hate people who think the world revolves around them.
Do any of you have friends like this? I hope not. Because they make you feel horrible without giving it a second thought.
But as for me, like I said I have been purging a lot. I would just eat and throw up. I did it once while everyone was here too! Like people just cleared out for like 5 minutes, which was long enough for me to get rid of the small little bowl of pasta. It was just good timing.
Today was a little worse because I did binge and purge but like 10 minutes ago I just binged. Didn't even think of purging because I have just done it so much lately. And tomorrow I am taking my mom out for dinner.Which was my choice only because I want to pay her back for a lot that she has done for me when I had no money. I don't live with my mom so I want to do this for her. Maybe just have salmon? that doesn't sound too bad. I am going to go to the restaurant's website or something and look for the calories in everything they have and then make a decision.
I want to make my blog more interestng for everyone who read it. Not just me rambling about eating this or not eating that. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Anywho, I'd like to hear feedback from you. If you think I am a bitch for my little rant you can tell me. It will only hurt for a little while haha.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I got to keep to around 500 calories and not go above that at any cost. Purging is a must if I have to.
I know that if I lose more weight I can eventually look like this:
The weight will come off my girls! If I lost 3-5 pounds you can too!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
So this far I've had:
1/2 cup of Special K Blueberry: (~85)
and for the rest of the day:
2 Rice cakes: (70)
Light cream cheese: (70)
Also, I must have the whole body dysmorphic disorder because I think I am a whale when I may not be. Because I see people who weight about 180 (a friend of mine) and I think they look way more thinner than I do. I still think I look the same from when I was 180. I don't see a change at all. But I am 30 pounds lighter. So there should be a change right? I don't see it.
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a (psychological) anxiety disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). Depending on the individual case, BDD may either be an anxiety disorder or part of an eating disorder or both: BDD always includes a debilitating or excessive fear of judgement by others, as is seen with social anxiety, social phobia and some OCD problems; or alternately may be a part of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and compulsive overeating.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
"I am so fat! My face is so ugly! How can people even stand to look at me?! How do I even have friends? Fat ugly people don't have friends. I am such a disgrace!"
And when I get home from work feeling absolutely disgusting I break down crying because to tell you the truth, I think I am really depressed...again. Because every single day I think how easy it would be to just end it all because it would be so much easier to not have to deal with this world. Like, I see people interacting and doing normal things and it confuses the shit out of me. I don't know why but I don't think I fit here at all.
And I don't even want to feed myself. Right now, its not at the point where I want to lose weight, I still do of course, but I just don't want to feed myself because I don't think I deserve it and every time I eat I hate myself. So I want to avoid that feeling as much as possible.
I hope this storm passes over soon and I hope I don't come out of it 10 pounds heavier.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I see myself having a tremendously busy day today. I also don't see myself having any time to eat. Which is very good.
The motivation and the will to lose weight is in me. It is in all of us. And now I can finally feel it. I have a lot of hope for today and the next couple of days and I am excited to see the scale go down. I know it will.
I know sometimes that we have all this hope and then we end up binging uncontrollably and it all brings us down. But it is a new month and I see that most of you already have new goals. There is always a chance to start again.
Good luck everyone!!
Eden xox :)