Wednesday, May 19, 2010

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.


  1. Don't ever let anyone talk you into having sex if you know you're not ready. It's good that you don't fall under peer pressure, I wish I could say the same for me. Also, if he likes you as much as he says he does, he'll wait. The moon and the stars are pretty damn pretty.

  2. Sex is so fucking complicated. Just don't do it, it messes with emotions, relationships and it's just a mess.

    "Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex."

    I love that.