thank you everyone.

I really do mean that. It means a lot to hear that you come on here to listen to me, because there are some things people just can't understand. And I know you all do.

I feel like I am watching my life through a mirror. Like I am seeing it happen but it is not affecting me. I am letting it happen and I want to see more?

I feel like one of those people who sit in rehab or therapy and they are so traumatized, they go through the events in their life, put two and two together, go through their experiences and realize all the messed up things that happened to them, they start to realize they could've done better, that they are messed up because of the horrible things that happened. I feel that I am going through those messed up life experiences, ones that will make me want to somehow block those things later on in life. May it be drugs or whatever.

Its bad but for some reason I don't think it is.

My friend sat there last night crying in front of me because of all the stuff I'm going through. She was crying because its so messed up and I don't deserve it.

I sat there smiling because I felt that there was nothing I could do. I didn't feel sad, mad, or anything. I tried to cry, couldn't, then stopped trying.

All I know is that nobody can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Nothing seems to compare. This all seems like a joke to me.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I find every single outlet for pain. To mess my life up. To scar myself inside and out. But it happens. And I let it.

The people who try to look out for me can't help me anymore.

I'll end up pushing them away because of this. I know it.

All I can hope is that they will be there for me when the tears come, when the emotions reach the top and explode.

Thank you for taking the time to read this :)

How can I go through my entire life only finding ways to hurt myself. I used to think girls who let guys use them all the time were a joke. Now I understand how easy it is. Sometimes you get lost in a world and the only thing you have left is that. To be used. To be fucked. To tell a guy you'll suck his dick just so that he will want to see you again while others in the background tell you you are making a huge mistake and you deserve better.

Well if I deserved better I would have had it by now. But no, this is what I deserve. This is what I will take.

I wish I looked like a beauty queen. All you girls are fighting to stay under your calorie limits. I think I am too depressed to eat. I'm starving my body and I don't even care.

I am sure the time will come back, where I have nothing but food to think about.

But it is the last thing on my mind. I eat to survive now. I have to literally force myself to eat something because with out it I pass out. And even then I don't eat much.

So my body continues to shrink.

I am sorry that I don't talk about ED stuff anymore. All of you are probably looking for some sort of thinspo and I don't see how you can find it here.

Not even sure why you guys would read my blog. Its so depressing. I am sorry.

used.

I gave him what he wanted that night.

Gave him everything.

Now I have to do everything in my power to keep him wanting me.

Even if that means just fucking him.

I will not be a one night stand.

I won't just let him forget me.

I don't understand how people can just tell me to forget about him.

If he has every intention to just use me...then at least he wants me still.

I gave him my virginity (in the most unromantic way...)

Now I have no idea what to do.

I'm making it way to easy for him to use me.

But now that's the only thing I know...

balance

Yeah so I've been having a really hard couple of days. But I have a theory.

So during the week, the good days and the bad days have to even themselves out. I can never have a really good week and leave it at that. No, there has to be bad days to make up for it. There is always a balance.

So my theory is that if I've been having a really bad, terrible, really bad couple of days, then I must be having some really really good days ahead of me. And I am thinking that tomorrow will be that start of that. That's my plan, that I won't let anything get me down tomorrow because it just has to be a good day. It just has to.

I was talking to the boy yesterday, stayed up all night texting him. The topic of my virginity came up and he asked why I still was one. I told him that I am not ready to have sex, that I am waiting for a boy to realize that I am better than just sex. So it is out there now, I don't have to think of the consequences anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point.

I will say no. If he doesn't want me then there is nothing more I can do. I'm willing to give him everything, its his choice to take it.

Thank you to all who have been commenting my blog, helping me realize that I am not alone in this. I read all of your blogs when I have time.

We all need to stay strong. I'm hanging on just as tight as you are.

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.

pretend that you're alive again.

Its amazing how fast I can shut down. How any emotion, good or bad can no longer to exist. Just disappear and I can't find them again.

I snapped today.

Went under and I want to get back up.

"I don't feel real, I don't feel right."

Suicide is a fantasy when your like this. It replays in your head like a dream. And boy am I dreaming. Some days it seems so much easier to give up.

"So fall in love while you can, still hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive again."

I want to disappear. Open up my skin and let all this out.

I hate these days. I want to get it over with.

Being in love is too scary for me. I'm scared to death of sex. I don't want to lose him because of that.

People say "if he doesn't understand then he isn't right for you." But I want him to understand. I want him! I want him!!!!!

I couldn't imagine showing my scars.

That's why is seems so much better to just end it all.

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get through the day.

the beauty of the human mind

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."
Bernard Edmonds

I wrote down my goals, established what I wanted to do and now I am making it happen. I don't know how, but its happening.

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days) *Losing weight is getting easier now*
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else. *I hope he thinks about me as much as I think about him*
5)Have a date for prom *Might happen*
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. *This has been done for me*
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party *Had my own house party*
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...) *This is a hard one, especially with so many uncertainties.

They guy I like definitely likes me back. We both know we like each other. We both can't wait till the next time we see each other.

This may be the last weekend I am single. Which is a terrifying thought.

I am so scared that he will change his mind about me.

I want to wait to have sex, he doesn't seem to be the type to wait. I don't know how I'd be able to handle myself if I gave in. I don't know how I'd handle myself if he decided I wasn't worth waiting for.

Maybe he really won't care. But I never know, so I think about it all the time.

I just got to keep telling myself that he is just as shy as I am and it isn't easy for him. He probably doesn't know what the heck he is doing any more than I do.

today.

I wish I wasn't irrational about things. Do you ever get really upset over something that you just assume is going bad, but you really don't know and then things turn out fine and and you regret ever being upset. Ya, I feel that way about my entire life.

I regret cutting fat and ugly on my legs. Because what if a person sees those? What will they think? "Wow, shes got issues"

Something that seems so overwhelming at the moment can turn out fine. But you never want to wait to see if it turns out okay.

In a book I read once it said that when he was a kid, his dad would tell him to finish his plate because kids are starving in Africa but you shouldn't say that. Because it doesn't change the fact that your too upset to finish your plate.

Saying it will all turn out okay can't take away the fact that it isn't right now. It won't change anything.

So, I never tell people kids are starving in Africa.

I think I am ranting. But I just wanted to post something, cause I feel bad that everyone is still struggling and I have nothing good to say. I don't have a scale but I know I am starving.

My stomach won't let me eat anything.

Which is a good thing. For now.

Life.

Ah, so my life goes on, and I have new experiences that will make me different. They have the chance to blow up in my face and destroy me. So I am sitting here waiting for things to move quickly. Rip it off like a bandaid. I want to say everything will turn out exactly how I plan. But I never know. And I want to know.

I was extremely drunk on friday, made out with the boy I liked all night. Pretty much it was my first kiss. I wish I could remember how that first kiss felt. I only remember the 3rd, 5th, 10th etc. Not the first. I was so close to having sex, and that would have ruined me.

The good thing is, is that the guy is not ignoring me. There is a really good chance he could actually like me.

If he doesn't I would die.

I told myself to not fall so hard. And I did. And I could be ruined for it.

My stomach has not been letting me eat. I could usually stuff my face, and stuff so much food down this fat trap of mine. But now I can't. I cant finish anything. There is always food left over. I am losing weight. I am just not sure how the heck my appetite can be so screwed up.

I feel like I am killing myself.

I would try anything to hurt myself.

The memories almost bring tears to my eyes. Because I can feel the hurt already if things don't work out. If he doesn't want me.

So, I'll wait. Wish me luck.

empty

So I pretty much stuffed my face today. I went out with the guys that I told you about earlier, ate a lot with them. Came home and realized that since I wasn't full I'm just going to have a peice of cake!

I do feel really empty though. Not in the food sense.

I just don't know what I want any more. And I feel that if I no longer want the things that I thought I did, then there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

I need something to look forward to, something with hope. Because without it I am empty.

I felt better when I was starving myself. I haven't been doing that in a long time since things have been so screwed up. Will things ever go back to the way it was? So that I can go back to being me.

where am i?

Nothing is really too new with me. I have been binging a lot lately but that is because I am in such a rut.

I am in that sort of state where I think I have lost myself again... I thought I had it all figured out before hand. Then all this drama happened, it changed me, and I have no idea who I am anymore. I just sort of realized that.

And I am in no such mood to go and "look for myself" again. It is way too much work.

So, for now I am just living... not really sure how. But it is happening.

I am getting really close with my guy best friend. People are noticing, saying I should go to prom with him and date him. But I know that's not what he is looking for. I am just one of his best friends but I know people will get their business into it and make things awkward for us. I am not sure if I like him in that way. He is just the best guy friend that I have had, like ever. I don't want to lose him just because girls want to be all girly and try to hook us up.

I am going to be drinking with him and the guy that I like (the one that ditched me) on friday and I am really excited to just let go. To have so much fun. Especially with these people. And I've heard that the guy I like is really good at persuading people into getting really reallly drunk. But at this point, if I am in the corner making out with him hardcore, I really don't care.

Not for the fact that I want to make out with him. But I kind of want to play him at his own game type thing? Like if he is a player, that's fine, I'll just be one right along with him and see how much he likes it.

"I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start

I'm only gonna break your heart"

Eden xox

Missing something.

It is beautiful outside today, and I realized that for the first time, I actually miss wearing shorts, and being able to go swimming. Like of course seeing my legs in short shorts would be a horrible sight, and me in a bathing suit would be 5 times worse... but I don't even get a chance to wear those things because of the scars running up and down my legs. It's been two years and I just finally feel that loss.

Also, how can one slice of pizza be 1000 calories!! I went to Pizza Pizza today at lunch and the slice I had turns out to be 1000 calories! Hot damn. I never win. I did probably work off 400 of those calories.... but still. I just want to be able to say no to every single type of food because the thought of the flippin calories is horrible.

I will say this yet again my dear friends, I am dying without my scale!! None of this even is worth it without knowing if I am losing.

Im about to go grocery shopping... not looking forward to that at all.

Eden xox

Questions

Ohh! I was tagged in a blog (Mia H) and I get to answer questions! This seems fun and I'm excited! :D

1. What is your number one dream in life?

My biggest dream was to eventually move to Ireland or England and live in a secluded house and just live a happy life. Hmm, maybe I just want to live without restrictions. Like obviously my looks are a restriction right now. If I was just perfect I think everything would just be so much better. Maybe I just dream that I can live the life that I want. To be able to do all the things I ever dreamed of. To be able to live that long to get a chance to do that.

2. What one thing depresses you most (other than being fat)?

I am trying to find a good answer to that but I can't. The only thing I can put a name on it is other people. Other people depress the hell out of me. They seem to be the one thing that can just suck the life out of me if they say or do something. Or sometimes there wouldn't be a specific thing, I would just snap and go into a depressed state. Nothing would really trigger it.

3. If you were running out of your burning house, which one item would you grab and take with you? Why?

My cell phone, which sounds really sad that I can't live without my phone but I need it, so I can text everyone telling them my house was burning down ahah. If I was sleeping naked (which I never do) I would would definitely get clothes or something. I am terrified of dying naked. I don't know why.

4. Name 3 music bands you really like.

I like hip hop/rap/ club music, screaming/alternative/ punk aaannnndd... oldies, like Bruce Springsteen and the smiths. Any song that has a weird sort of vibe, I dig it.

5. Is there one question that you have asked yourself day after day and can't seem to get the answer? What is it?

Hmm.... I'm usually just plain confused about everything. But the thing that I seem to ask everyday is "Does everyone else see what I see?". Like has anyone heard the thing were the colour blue that you see might not be the colour blue that other people see. Well what if what you see isn't how other people are seeing it. Do they feel the way I feel? I don't know if that makes sense...but ya.

6. What is your favourite weather? Why?

I like the fall. I don't know why but the whole Halloween feel and the leaves on the ground is my favourite. I don't like the winter so much or the summer. I am not a summer fan at all.

7. Are you addicted to anything or think you might be? What is it?

I used to be majorly addicted to cutting like you all know but at the moment, nothing. I just know I have a very addictive personality. If I knew where to get heroin, I'd probably be addicted to that.

I hope that answers your questions!!

My mom told me I look like I am losing weight today... that doesn't make me feel any better. I need to know how much I weigh!! Godamn I need a scale.

I had a fantastic day today. I didn't try hard to do anything and then plans just fell right into my hands. This seems to be happening a lot lately. I just establish what I need to do and what is important and then it happens. Its messed. I hope this means the good is coming.

I want to answer more questions!!! Please post a comment asking me anything!!! This is fun.

I wish I had something better to say.

My days revolve around school or work and sleeping.

I really haven't done much else.

I have eating like a normal person would and I hate it.

Not binging, but it is still bad.

When will this messed up week be over!

It can't be normal to sleep the amount that I sleep.

I just feel so exhausted when I get home.

Then I wake up starving, eat and then go back to sleep.

What the hell!?!?!?

I don't have a scale and it is making me so mad!!

I want to know what I weigh!

Eden xox.