Wednesday, July 14, 2010

You really can't trust people anymore.

They only one you can trust is yourself, and thats it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

stoned rants.

I need to start blogging more. I really do, I miss reading everyone's blog. We all have a lot in common.

So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.

I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.

When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.

Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.

Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah

If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.

And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.

What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?

My answer:
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I'm pretty sure I haven't updated in a while, it seems like a month to me.

Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.

It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.

Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.

He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.

Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.

I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.

All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.

Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first

Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!

Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay