Wednesday, May 19, 2010

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.

2 comments:

  1. Don't ever let anyone talk you into having sex if you know you're not ready. It's good that you don't fall under peer pressure, I wish I could say the same for me. Also, if he likes you as much as he says he does, he'll wait. The moon and the stars are pretty damn pretty.

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  2. Sex is so fucking complicated. Just don't do it, it messes with emotions, relationships and it's just a mess.

    "Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex."

    I love that.

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