thank you everyone.

I really do mean that. It means a lot to hear that you come on here to listen to me, because there are some things people just can't understand. And I know you all do.

I feel like I am watching my life through a mirror. Like I am seeing it happen but it is not affecting me. I am letting it happen and I want to see more?

I feel like one of those people who sit in rehab or therapy and they are so traumatized, they go through the events in their life, put two and two together, go through their experiences and realize all the messed up things that happened to them, they start to realize they could've done better, that they are messed up because of the horrible things that happened. I feel that I am going through those messed up life experiences, ones that will make me want to somehow block those things later on in life. May it be drugs or whatever.

Its bad but for some reason I don't think it is.

My friend sat there last night crying in front of me because of all the stuff I'm going through. She was crying because its so messed up and I don't deserve it.

I sat there smiling because I felt that there was nothing I could do. I didn't feel sad, mad, or anything. I tried to cry, couldn't, then stopped trying.

All I know is that nobody can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Nothing seems to compare. This all seems like a joke to me.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I find every single outlet for pain. To mess my life up. To scar myself inside and out. But it happens. And I let it.

The people who try to look out for me can't help me anymore.

I'll end up pushing them away because of this. I know it.

All I can hope is that they will be there for me when the tears come, when the emotions reach the top and explode.

Thank you for taking the time to read this :)

How can I go through my entire life only finding ways to hurt myself. I used to think girls who let guys use them all the time were a joke. Now I understand how easy it is. Sometimes you get lost in a world and the only thing you have left is that. To be used. To be fucked. To tell a guy you'll suck his dick just so that he will want to see you again while others in the background tell you you are making a huge mistake and you deserve better.

Well if I deserved better I would have had it by now. But no, this is what I deserve. This is what I will take.

I wish I looked like a beauty queen. All you girls are fighting to stay under your calorie limits. I think I am too depressed to eat. I'm starving my body and I don't even care.

I am sure the time will come back, where I have nothing but food to think about.

But it is the last thing on my mind. I eat to survive now. I have to literally force myself to eat something because with out it I pass out. And even then I don't eat much.

So my body continues to shrink.

I am sorry that I don't talk about ED stuff anymore. All of you are probably looking for some sort of thinspo and I don't see how you can find it here.

Not even sure why you guys would read my blog. Its so depressing. I am sorry.

used.

I gave him what he wanted that night.

Gave him everything.

Now I have to do everything in my power to keep him wanting me.

Even if that means just fucking him.

I will not be a one night stand.

I won't just let him forget me.

I don't understand how people can just tell me to forget about him.

If he has every intention to just use me...then at least he wants me still.

I gave him my virginity (in the most unromantic way...)

Now I have no idea what to do.

I'm making it way to easy for him to use me.

But now that's the only thing I know...

balance

Yeah so I've been having a really hard couple of days. But I have a theory.

So during the week, the good days and the bad days have to even themselves out. I can never have a really good week and leave it at that. No, there has to be bad days to make up for it. There is always a balance.

So my theory is that if I've been having a really bad, terrible, really bad couple of days, then I must be having some really really good days ahead of me. And I am thinking that tomorrow will be that start of that. That's my plan, that I won't let anything get me down tomorrow because it just has to be a good day. It just has to.

I was talking to the boy yesterday, stayed up all night texting him. The topic of my virginity came up and he asked why I still was one. I told him that I am not ready to have sex, that I am waiting for a boy to realize that I am better than just sex. So it is out there now, I don't have to think of the consequences anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point.

I will say no. If he doesn't want me then there is nothing more I can do. I'm willing to give him everything, its his choice to take it.

Thank you to all who have been commenting my blog, helping me realize that I am not alone in this. I read all of your blogs when I have time.

We all need to stay strong. I'm hanging on just as tight as you are.

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.

pretend that you're alive again.

Its amazing how fast I can shut down. How any emotion, good or bad can no longer to exist. Just disappear and I can't find them again.

I snapped today.

Went under and I want to get back up.

"I don't feel real, I don't feel right."

Suicide is a fantasy when your like this. It replays in your head like a dream. And boy am I dreaming. Some days it seems so much easier to give up.

"So fall in love while you can, still hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive again."

I want to disappear. Open up my skin and let all this out.

I hate these days. I want to get it over with.

Being in love is too scary for me. I'm scared to death of sex. I don't want to lose him because of that.

People say "if he doesn't understand then he isn't right for you." But I want him to understand. I want him! I want him!!!!!

I couldn't imagine showing my scars.

That's why is seems so much better to just end it all.

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get through the day.

the beauty of the human mind

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."
Bernard Edmonds

I wrote down my goals, established what I wanted to do and now I am making it happen. I don't know how, but its happening.

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days) *Losing weight is getting easier now*
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else. *I hope he thinks about me as much as I think about him*
5)Have a date for prom *Might happen*
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. *This has been done for me*
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party *Had my own house party*
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...) *This is a hard one, especially with so many uncertainties.

They guy I like definitely likes me back. We both know we like each other. We both can't wait till the next time we see each other.

This may be the last weekend I am single. Which is a terrifying thought.

I am so scared that he will change his mind about me.

I want to wait to have sex, he doesn't seem to be the type to wait. I don't know how I'd be able to handle myself if I gave in. I don't know how I'd handle myself if he decided I wasn't worth waiting for.

Maybe he really won't care. But I never know, so I think about it all the time.

I just got to keep telling myself that he is just as shy as I am and it isn't easy for him. He probably doesn't know what the heck he is doing any more than I do.