today.

I wish I wasn't irrational about things. Do you ever get really upset over something that you just assume is going bad, but you really don't know and then things turn out fine and and you regret ever being upset. Ya, I feel that way about my entire life.

I regret cutting fat and ugly on my legs. Because what if a person sees those? What will they think? "Wow, shes got issues"

Something that seems so overwhelming at the moment can turn out fine. But you never want to wait to see if it turns out okay.

In a book I read once it said that when he was a kid, his dad would tell him to finish his plate because kids are starving in Africa but you shouldn't say that. Because it doesn't change the fact that your too upset to finish your plate.

Saying it will all turn out okay can't take away the fact that it isn't right now. It won't change anything.

So, I never tell people kids are starving in Africa.

I think I am ranting. But I just wanted to post something, cause I feel bad that everyone is still struggling and I have nothing good to say. I don't have a scale but I know I am starving.

My stomach won't let me eat anything.

Which is a good thing. For now.

Life.

Ah, so my life goes on, and I have new experiences that will make me different. They have the chance to blow up in my face and destroy me. So I am sitting here waiting for things to move quickly. Rip it off like a bandaid. I want to say everything will turn out exactly how I plan. But I never know. And I want to know.

I was extremely drunk on friday, made out with the boy I liked all night. Pretty much it was my first kiss. I wish I could remember how that first kiss felt. I only remember the 3rd, 5th, 10th etc. Not the first. I was so close to having sex, and that would have ruined me.

The good thing is, is that the guy is not ignoring me. There is a really good chance he could actually like me.

If he doesn't I would die.

I told myself to not fall so hard. And I did. And I could be ruined for it.

My stomach has not been letting me eat. I could usually stuff my face, and stuff so much food down this fat trap of mine. But now I can't. I cant finish anything. There is always food left over. I am losing weight. I am just not sure how the heck my appetite can be so screwed up.

I feel like I am killing myself.

I would try anything to hurt myself.

The memories almost bring tears to my eyes. Because I can feel the hurt already if things don't work out. If he doesn't want me.

So, I'll wait. Wish me luck.

empty

So I pretty much stuffed my face today. I went out with the guys that I told you about earlier, ate a lot with them. Came home and realized that since I wasn't full I'm just going to have a peice of cake!

I do feel really empty though. Not in the food sense.

I just don't know what I want any more. And I feel that if I no longer want the things that I thought I did, then there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

I need something to look forward to, something with hope. Because without it I am empty.

I felt better when I was starving myself. I haven't been doing that in a long time since things have been so screwed up. Will things ever go back to the way it was? So that I can go back to being me.

where am i?

Nothing is really too new with me. I have been binging a lot lately but that is because I am in such a rut.

I am in that sort of state where I think I have lost myself again... I thought I had it all figured out before hand. Then all this drama happened, it changed me, and I have no idea who I am anymore. I just sort of realized that.

And I am in no such mood to go and "look for myself" again. It is way too much work.

So, for now I am just living... not really sure how. But it is happening.

I am getting really close with my guy best friend. People are noticing, saying I should go to prom with him and date him. But I know that's not what he is looking for. I am just one of his best friends but I know people will get their business into it and make things awkward for us. I am not sure if I like him in that way. He is just the best guy friend that I have had, like ever. I don't want to lose him just because girls want to be all girly and try to hook us up.

I am going to be drinking with him and the guy that I like (the one that ditched me) on friday and I am really excited to just let go. To have so much fun. Especially with these people. And I've heard that the guy I like is really good at persuading people into getting really reallly drunk. But at this point, if I am in the corner making out with him hardcore, I really don't care.

Not for the fact that I want to make out with him. But I kind of want to play him at his own game type thing? Like if he is a player, that's fine, I'll just be one right along with him and see how much he likes it.

"I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start

I'm only gonna break your heart"

Eden xox

Missing something.

It is beautiful outside today, and I realized that for the first time, I actually miss wearing shorts, and being able to go swimming. Like of course seeing my legs in short shorts would be a horrible sight, and me in a bathing suit would be 5 times worse... but I don't even get a chance to wear those things because of the scars running up and down my legs. It's been two years and I just finally feel that loss.

Also, how can one slice of pizza be 1000 calories!! I went to Pizza Pizza today at lunch and the slice I had turns out to be 1000 calories! Hot damn. I never win. I did probably work off 400 of those calories.... but still. I just want to be able to say no to every single type of food because the thought of the flippin calories is horrible.

I will say this yet again my dear friends, I am dying without my scale!! None of this even is worth it without knowing if I am losing.

Im about to go grocery shopping... not looking forward to that at all.

Eden xox

Questions

Ohh! I was tagged in a blog (Mia H) and I get to answer questions! This seems fun and I'm excited! :D

1. What is your number one dream in life?

My biggest dream was to eventually move to Ireland or England and live in a secluded house and just live a happy life. Hmm, maybe I just want to live without restrictions. Like obviously my looks are a restriction right now. If I was just perfect I think everything would just be so much better. Maybe I just dream that I can live the life that I want. To be able to do all the things I ever dreamed of. To be able to live that long to get a chance to do that.

2. What one thing depresses you most (other than being fat)?

I am trying to find a good answer to that but I can't. The only thing I can put a name on it is other people. Other people depress the hell out of me. They seem to be the one thing that can just suck the life out of me if they say or do something. Or sometimes there wouldn't be a specific thing, I would just snap and go into a depressed state. Nothing would really trigger it.

3. If you were running out of your burning house, which one item would you grab and take with you? Why?

My cell phone, which sounds really sad that I can't live without my phone but I need it, so I can text everyone telling them my house was burning down ahah. If I was sleeping naked (which I never do) I would would definitely get clothes or something. I am terrified of dying naked. I don't know why.

4. Name 3 music bands you really like.

I like hip hop/rap/ club music, screaming/alternative/ punk aaannnndd... oldies, like Bruce Springsteen and the smiths. Any song that has a weird sort of vibe, I dig it.

5. Is there one question that you have asked yourself day after day and can't seem to get the answer? What is it?

Hmm.... I'm usually just plain confused about everything. But the thing that I seem to ask everyday is "Does everyone else see what I see?". Like has anyone heard the thing were the colour blue that you see might not be the colour blue that other people see. Well what if what you see isn't how other people are seeing it. Do they feel the way I feel? I don't know if that makes sense...but ya.

6. What is your favourite weather? Why?

I like the fall. I don't know why but the whole Halloween feel and the leaves on the ground is my favourite. I don't like the winter so much or the summer. I am not a summer fan at all.

7. Are you addicted to anything or think you might be? What is it?

I used to be majorly addicted to cutting like you all know but at the moment, nothing. I just know I have a very addictive personality. If I knew where to get heroin, I'd probably be addicted to that.

I hope that answers your questions!!

My mom told me I look like I am losing weight today... that doesn't make me feel any better. I need to know how much I weigh!! Godamn I need a scale.

I had a fantastic day today. I didn't try hard to do anything and then plans just fell right into my hands. This seems to be happening a lot lately. I just establish what I need to do and what is important and then it happens. Its messed. I hope this means the good is coming.

I want to answer more questions!!! Please post a comment asking me anything!!! This is fun.

I wish I had something better to say.

My days revolve around school or work and sleeping.

I really haven't done much else.

I have eating like a normal person would and I hate it.

Not binging, but it is still bad.

When will this messed up week be over!

It can't be normal to sleep the amount that I sleep.

I just feel so exhausted when I get home.

Then I wake up starving, eat and then go back to sleep.

What the hell!?!?!?

I don't have a scale and it is making me so mad!!

I want to know what I weigh!

Eden xox.