I'm lost

I don't know how to live this life.

I was quiet, reserved and didn't have any drama in my life.

Now I don't have any time to myself, to concentrate on things, people are talking shit behind my back and i can't seem to get away from this drama.

I don't even care about these things. Its not upsetting me its just I am sick of immature people! GROW UP.

I want to stop eating but everything has been so messed up lately.

I hate seeing my fat.

Gosh, I don't even know anymore.

Eden xox

I'm Back!!

I have been going through so much drama this week. It is quite ridiculous. I had to get rid of a best friend, some other friends, became closer with people I never thought I would, became almost best friends with the best guy I know.

My nerves have been in such a jumble. I have been soo busy too. This is the first day that I have had a day to just chill at home. This is much needed.

I have at least gotten somewhat of a break during all of this though. I have had no appetite. And when I did eat, I didn't eat much. I never wanted to binge at all. I never thought about calories, or even worried about how much I was eating because I probably ate less than 1000 calories a day, if that. I walked so much too. Another thing, you probably don't want to know this, but I had no need for laxatives either. My body was cleaning itself out majorly!! All the stress wasn't for me I guess. Good right?

I've realized that I am such a good person and some people don't realize it. Well, it is too late for them. Then there are some other people who do see it, and appreciate me and treat me so good. I am so glad to have those people in my life right now!

My scale broke, I have no idea how much I weigh. I really want to know how much I weigh!!

I wrote these goals last Friday... some of them happened without me trying.

Motives and Goals for the next two months:

1)Live each day for what it is worth. No regrets
2)Never cut again
3)Lose 20 pounds before prom.(~60 days)
4)Be loved, liked, and thought about everyday by someone else.
5)Have a date for prom
6)Make a decision on my next tattoo
7)Establish who my friends are and start letting go of people who drag me down. (This has been done for me)
8)Watch the sunrise with someone
9)Go to a house party
10)Save $1,000
11)Be more confident (It's coming...)

1)Fit into size 5 jeans and size medium perfectly.
2)Never have to look at muffin tops
3)Have my thighs touch less
4)Wear clothes that I think are gorgeous and not just what fits.
5)Arms need to be less fat
6)Collar bones stick out
7)Hip bones stick out more
8)Feel my ribs stick out when laying down (more than they already do)
9)Be able to take compliments without thinking its a lie
10)Be beautiful, in my eyes.

Good things are really starting to happen.

I have also established that if this boy doesn't realize how good I am for him, that his problem. I don't have the energy to get upset about every time he decides to be an asshole.

I am better than that.

I have had the chance throughout the week to see your blogs, and I have noticed a lot of you are posting pictures of you body! I wish I could do that!! But I am telling you, it is so ugly... You guys are in much better shape than me. I have not seen a grotesque image yet.

You are all beautiful!!

Anyways, I am so ready for all this drama to end, so that I can start living this whole new life. I feel that I have just let go a stage in my life and moved on to the next one. I have let go of things that held me back and I feel that things will be way more different.

I am excited.

Eden xox.

Things are a mess.

Things are going to change a lot for me.
I haven't even had time to deal with all of this.
It has just been such a bad week.
I am so ready for the good to start coming.

Mmmm yeah so I am think that I am totally overreacting about the whole thing. Like, ya sure I should be mad. Like I have been excited to hang out with him all week. Hoping that maybe, just maybe things would be different this time. That all my friends who said "I don't trust him, he looks like a dick" would be wrong and that I would be living proof of how amazing this boy could be. But Life hates me.

Instead of dwelling on how alone I felt. I just masked it. Or, my body did all the masking for me because I didn't even need to try to pretend that I wasn't feeling anything because I really wasn't. I still can't feel any sort of emotion. I got majorly high last night, totally tripped out to the point where I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I still kind of feel that way now, which is really scaring me. Like who takes a shower and FORGETS to wash their hair?!?! Like what the hell did I do in the shower for 10 minutes and not wash my hair? Oh, and don't text the guy you like when your tripping out because it is so confusing. Um yeah, you probably don't want to hear about all this. You probably think I'm some sort of a druggy.

My teeth hurt so bad. I feel like I have lost my mind. HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!! HOW WILL I FUNCTION!!

Its scarier than you think.

he ditched.

Just like I knew he would.

I don't know how to feel. I am kind of numb at this point.

It will come though.

The tears.

Nothing good can come from this.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

How bad can I be? How ugly am I? Don't I deserve something?

relapsing SUCKS

I am so sorry that I disappointed all of you. I just didn't wait. I couldn't. One little thing happened and I snapped. I said I can't do this anymore and just hacked away at my legs. It was horrible.

If you ever want a boost of confidence, cut the words fat and ugly on your legs. (sarcasm)

Every cut I made took away all the confidence I had in me, the little that I had to begin with. I was left with nothing. I felt so alone.

I was so depressed after that because I needed that confidence back. I needed it more now then ever and I couldn't go on with out it. So I built myself back up. Little by little. I could not stay in that state of mind for very long. It was so hard. But I got some of myself back.

I know that I still have those cuts on my legs, that have to heal. But as they do, I will heal along with them.

I am worth it. I am beautiful and I will only get more beautiful. I have the best friends in the world. Not a lot of them, but the ones I have are amazing. My body does not deserve any more cuts.

Thank you for all of your support. I know I am not alone in this.

I think I am going to take this weekend and get a list of my goals and motives together just like ElikaPeka23 did (shes amazing!) and try to find that confidence again.

I am so glad to have all of you!!




"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Albert Einstein
I'll be posting again on Tuesday maybe :)

Eden xox.

I'm far from lonely, and its all that I've got

Is it weird to know that I have been thinking about one thing for about 2 weeks. And that thing would be cutting. Its always in the back of my mind teasing me. Telling me just one cut. It feels so good and a couple won't hurt you. Your legs are already scared enough, you won't be wearing shorts for a long time. One cut. Do it.

I am so happy and hopeful and all I want to do is cut?? What the heck is wrong with me. My mind is screwed up. Its like I feel that I don't deserve this happiness. That I need to control these feelings and not let myself get too happy. My mind hates happiness. Just one fucking cut. Just to remember what it felt like.

Oh My GOD.

This is so scary!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I'm going to try to get through this and let Monday happen before I get to out of control. I don't know. I don't know if it will happen until it does. I just really hope I don't relapse. The craving is strong.

:(