stoned rants.

I need to start blogging more. I really do, I miss reading everyone's blog. We all have a lot in common.

So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.

I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.

When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.

Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.

Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah

If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.

And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.

What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?

My answer:
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?

update

I'm pretty sure I haven't updated in a while, it seems like a month to me.

Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.

It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.

Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.

He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.

Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.

I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.

All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.

Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first

Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!

Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay

i'm sure you agree.

keep it up while its there.

Things are starting to settle down and I no longer feel the need to just hide or throw it all away. But these damn life experiences keep changing me. I am a totally different person.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...childish fantasies of real love have flown out the window.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...I keep getting a glimpse of reality and into what people really do behind my "rose tinted glass"

Since sex has been introduced into my life...it seems to be the only thing people want from me. and I've learned that I can just give and take from people.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...my innocence has disappeared.

I fell for the biggest dick in the planet. A dick who knows just how much of a dick he is to me and doesn't really care, he actually finds it funny.



So I don't care about him anymore. I'll use him just as much as he uses me.


But prince charming is knocking at my door now. The sweetest boy ever. He would never hurt me and I know he wouldn't. The problem now is....I can hurt him. and bad.



Because I no longer want the cute little dating scene.


I want the dick. Because I can't let go of my first. I just can't. No matter how bad he is for me, no matter how good prince charming is.

Something keeps telling me that I need to hold on...just for a bit longer.

mood swings.

I don't know if I can handle all of these changes in emotions. If things go bad, I have a bad week, and during that week I will have a bad outlook on everything which in turn will make everything look worse than it is.

But when things go okay, like they are at the moment, and things don't seem too shabby.

I can make it through the day without wanting to crawl in bed and stay there forever.

I have confidence in myself that I know what I am doing and that I have some control (even though control has totally left the building at this point).

The balance of good and bad is not there anymore.

I have no idea when things will turn for the worse.

But, for now I am okay. And that's all I need right now. Is just to be okay. Because life goes on and things happen but no matter what...things will be okay...even if its just for a little while.

I pray that all of you will be okay :)

When I started this blog, and started following all of you lovely ladies, I was so innocent. I basically had all the time in the world to do what ever I wanted. I wasn't attached emotionally to people, well...maybe a little. But not like now. Now it feels that these people have complete control over me. Over my emotions. One little thing can set me off. Literally. I can't take this anymore. Everything overwhelms me.

And I feel like I'm fucking crazy. The emotions that run through my head, the way I react to things, the way I view certain situations. It's like totally different from everyone else and I sit there wondering why I can't see things the way everyone else does. Things seem perfectly rational at first...then they tell me I'm wrong or overreacting and its like...why? Is it really that bad to view things that way?

And so tonight I am left alone. And no one seems to care. I'm not that important to them anyways.

I wish I could be perfect for everyone.

I wish I didn't have to attach emotionally to these people.

I wish I didn't hurt when they tell me they don't care about me.

I wish that was enough to walk away.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well thats alright because I like the way it hurts."

Listen to Eminem ft. Rhianna- I love the way you lie.

Its a good song.

You would be ashamed of me.

And the things I've done.

I'm even ashamed in me.

I've hurt people that are so close to me,

because I don't care what I put myself through.

The retaliation comes after,

the selfish thoughts of how MY life will go on,

not how other people feel,

because that doesn't matter to me.

Even though it should.

I used to be so innocent, just a month ago.

Now I am lost.

I don't know who I am anymore,

where I stand on things,

what I believe.

I really don't care who uses me,

as long as its me that they want to use.

As long as they want me in some form.

I look at cute couples holding hands,

people in love,

guys who actually care about girls,

people kissing.

I realize that isn't for me.

It will never happen.

It doesn't matter if people say "you deserve better"

Because if I did, then would I be having that?

Well....I accept this love, or what ever it is.

I am just a play thing now.