Stressed.

I feel like I have sooooo much to do
and I am sitting here wanting to do something
but I just cant.
I am in that mood.
Where nothing feels RIGHT

Sex Dream

(This post does talk about sex, and me, and can be a little personal. so beware)


Okay so this is what I remember about my dream last night:

I had a little sister (but I don't in real life) and me and her went to this boys house. There were like 3 or 4 boys who actually lived in the house. And in my dream it was the middle of the night when we went to this boys house. So my little sister was a virgin. One of the boys (all of them were my age 19ish) was interested in my little sister and wanted to have sex with her. So i let him. She thought she was more than ready and really really wanted to. At some point the guy that was interested in her was in his boxers and wanted me to feel his penis. It was huge....just saying. Then they went and had sex. At the same time there was a really cute boy interested in having sex with me. And I was so down for it. But he kept putting it off and i kept losing him. at one point he was sleeping in the other guys bedroom and i had to wake him up. So it was around early morning now because I spent all night trying to hangout with him. so when we actually had sex...he lasted for three seconds. very disappointing. then me and my little sister left, and i think there were train tracks or something.

It was a really intense dream and i remember the feelings like i was actually there.

Maybe i should add some of the context about my life that might influence this dream:

people have told me im addicted to sex. for many reasons. i dont disagree.

everyone i can have sex with live in a different city than me (i moved far away for university) so i have no one to release my sexual frustration to.

i miss it.

At this point I think that sex does have a big influence in my whole life. Since I had the dream i think about it a lot. with past sexual partners. because thats all i can do here. is THINK about it. i can't actually DO anything

Its a big problem for me and my dreams are not helping.

Love, Eden xoxo

My Life

There is something that has been really pissing me off about this world lately. It the fact that no one lives for themselves anymore. We can't live our OWN LIVES. We live for and through other people.

We can't do certain things because we can't offend other people, we do not want to wear certain things, say things or do things because in the back of our minds we always are thinking "what will someone else think" WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER! ITS MY LIVE! I shouldn't care what other people think or say because that's them, not me. But we always do that and we always will.

Why does it matter how skinny we are? Why does it matter that we have embarrassing pimples on our face or even the colour of our own damn skin. Why does that make you better than me?

I can do a lot of pretty damn amazing things.
I can be your best fucking friends.
I can change your mother fucking life.

But I can't. Because you can't see who I am as a person. We hide ourselves because we think that other people won't accept our true selves. And we are right. They won't. But why?

As far as I know we have one life. But we only live half of it. Who told us to do so? I want to do everything I want to do. Because its MY fucking life. Not yours. I don't want to care about what you say.

I'm BACK

I haven't been on blogger in a while.

A) because life happens
B) i didn't have any "problems" (or at least i thought) to talk about

Well I am at the point again where I just can't sit here and think about everything. It should not be stuck in my head. Its too much for one person to handle. So I thought I would go back to my old blog because it is just too much work to start a new one with no followers. At least with this one, there is a good chance that people might read it.

I am actually surprised at how many of the people I followed are still going strong. Main word being strong. Because they are. So that gave me the courage to come back and keep telling my story.

A few updates about me that I feel are relevant to post on my returning are:

1)Eating is not longer a day by day issue
(I think that there are many more issues that concern my time. Not saying that I don't think about it from time to time. Fuck yes I do)

2)I recently started cutting again.
(Not sure how I feel about that...)

3) I am in university. Living in a residence setting, with roommates and a very demanding school work schedule.

I think that telling you about everything that I have been through since I stopped posting would take a very long time and I don't think I am ready for that. So if I bring things up, please take it as it is, as my personal journal for all of you to read, understand and relate to.

I hope that my old followers will still want to hear about me, even if they do not remember me at all and I also hope to receive new ones, and meet other people.

Love, Eden.

You really can't trust people anymore.

They only one you can trust is yourself, and thats it.

stoned rants.

I need to start blogging more. I really do, I miss reading everyone's blog. We all have a lot in common.

So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.

I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.

When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.

Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.

Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah

If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.

And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.

What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?

My answer:
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?

update

I'm pretty sure I haven't updated in a while, it seems like a month to me.

Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.

It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.

Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.

He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.

Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.

I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.

All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.

Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first

Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!

Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay