bewildered.

I have these two friends right. And one is bulimic, the other is anorexic. They haven't flat out said "I am this or I am that" but it's pretty damn obvious they are. And you want to know why? It's because they flaunt it around like its a boyfriend. Well, at least one of them does, the other is a sweetheart and I hope that he gets better. Yes, I said he.

This confuses the shit out of me because if you have a problem right, if you starved yourself or threw up everything you ate would you go around telling people this???!?! Like my anorexic friend eats, but then she complains for about ten hours about how she feels fat and blah blah blah. Like I don't go around asking people "am i fat?".

And it makes me mad because here I am starving myself, puking my guts out (I've been puking a lot for the past couple of days. I don't know why I can't stop) and exercising so much just so I can get some sort of satisfaction that I am not absolutely worthless and eventually can feel somewhat pretty and this girl just likes to create attention for herself. Like I am just so sick and tired of hearing her complain to me about how she is just not going to eat this or that. Like I have fucking problems too, your not queen of the world bitch.

Sorry if that sounds really mean, but I have major problems with this girl.

And my friend who is bulimic used to come and talk to me all the time (before I was deep into my own stuff) and I would try to help him and make him feel better but I haven't talked to him in a while and it makes me really worried. I wish I could tell him that I do the same thing he is doing. I really wish I could. Because he wouldn't judge.

The girl on the other hand, she definitely would. Because no one else has problems. Only she does right?

Besides your blogs, do you go around telling all your friends that you don't eat? Or that if they are eating something do you go to them and tell them that what they are eating is disgusting and hence you are too for eating it.

Sorry if this little rant sounds horribly hypocritical or bitchy but I really hate people who think the world revolves around them.

Do any of you have friends like this? I hope not. Because they make you feel horrible without giving it a second thought.

But as for me, like I said I have been purging a lot. I would just eat and throw up. I did it once while everyone was here too! Like people just cleared out for like 5 minutes, which was long enough for me to get rid of the small little bowl of pasta. It was just good timing.

Today was a little worse because I did binge and purge but like 10 minutes ago I just binged. Didn't even think of purging because I have just done it so much lately. And tomorrow I am taking my mom out for dinner.Which was my choice only because I want to pay her back for a lot that she has done for me when I had no money. I don't live with my mom so I want to do this for her. Maybe just have salmon? that doesn't sound too bad. I am going to go to the restaurant's website or something and look for the calories in everything they have and then make a decision.

I want to make my blog more interestng for everyone who read it. Not just me rambling about eating this or not eating that. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Anywho, I'd like to hear feedback from you. If you think I am a bitch for my little rant you can tell me. It will only hurt for a little while haha.

Eden xox.

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The scale today showed me what I wanted to see. 150 pounds. After 2 weeks of going up and down on the scale I finally made it there and I promise you this, I won't allow myself one pound heavier. I will keep going because if I can get to 150 pounds I know that losing more weight is possible. I just got to keep working at it.

I got to keep to around 500 calories and not go above that at any cost. Purging is a must if I have to.

I know that if I lose more weight I can eventually look like this:

The weight will come off my girls! If I lost 3-5 pounds you can too!

Eden xox

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Sleepless Nights.

Yesterday I ate a total of 600 calories, which is only 200 away from my goal. It was pretty easy to do this because when I had a whole bunch of food in front of me at the end of the night, instead of purging it all up, I just didn't swallow it. Which sounds gross, the whole "chew and spit" thing but really, sometimes you need to do it. After a while you just want to get it over with and you don't end up wanting to eat everything. Might do this more often I think...

After work last night I could not go to sleep at all, and by the time I had to get up and get ready for school, I hadn't even fallen asleep. So, I just refused to go to school. It would've been pointless. But I knew that I needed sleep so I chugged about 1 cup of milk, which I just found out is about the equivalent of 125 calories. And I ate a bowl of fruit loops, 170 calories. So, that just means less food today.

My dad is actually making dinner tonight. Spaghetti. Which used to be my favourite food but not any more. Because it is a recipe for fatness. The noodles alone are like 300 calories!! So I might just take 2-3 bites and throw the rest out. I can't chance eating more than that.

Yesterday on Dr. Phil he was talking about child obesity and O. M. G. It was so so so so sad. These 13 year olds weigh more than I do!! And then he brought out chicken fat and showed how much 40 pounds look like and I was about to cry. It was just so damn sad! And today he is doing something like the debate on fat. Sounds interesting...

Anyways, I hope you all reach your goals for the day!

Eden xox

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What nourishes me destroys me

A lot of you skinny little bloggers seem to be having some trouble with the whole chocolate/Easter festivities and I somehow really wish I could relate. To say that my parents and family made a beautiful dinner and bought lots of yummy chocolate and it was all happy Easter loving shit. But it wasn't. I haven't been given anything for Easter for 6 years. So, maybe it is a good thing that I don't have and candy to binge on but it saddens me. I wish I had that. Even if I were to puke it all up.

I would like to say that I stuck to my goal that I wrote yesterday but I didn't. I ate maybe 900 calories total? Walked a lot too, so even though it wasn't 400 calories, it wasn't completely horrible.

I will make my goal 400 calories every single day until it sticks. Because 400 calories is what my body deserves and anything else is spoiling it. And I have been spoiling my body for years, that is why I am fat fat fat!

With my first pay check I plan on buying laxatives, diet pills, a new jogging outfit and some really healthy food. On top of a whole new wardrobe (which I am really excited about.)

And, I am pretty sure I am getting my period soon. I don't know how I feel about that because for some reason I don't eat a lot. I get weird cravings and stuff but I don't eat a lot and I feel full most of the time. Hopefully I feel that way this time but you never know.

Stay strong my skinny little things!!!

Eden xox.

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Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

I will get back on track today. I am going to make my limit for the day 400 calories and stick to that limit all week. So,hold me to it and expect me to say whether or not it happened okay?

So this far I've had:

Orange: (62)
1/2 cup of Special K Blueberry: (~85)

and for the rest of the day:

Orange: (62)
2 Rice cakes: (70)
Light cream cheese: (70)

Total: (349)

Also, I must have the whole body dysmorphic disorder because I think I am a whale when I may not be. Because I see people who weight about 180 (a friend of mine) and I think they look way more thinner than I do. I still think I look the same from when I was 180. I don't see a change at all. But I am 30 pounds lighter. So there should be a change right? I don't see it.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a (psychological) anxiety disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). Depending on the individual case, BDD may either be an anxiety disorder or part of an eating disorder or both: BDD always includes a debilitating or excessive fear of judgement by others, as is seen with social anxiety, social phobia and some OCD problems; or alternately may be a part of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and compulsive overeating.

(Well, that makes it obvious. And I am sure I am not the one.)

Eden xox

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I am NOT doing good.

I have been eating too much and I swear I'm ballooning to the size of a fucking whale. Everyday I see myself in a reflection of some sort I think:

"I am so fat! My face is so ugly! How can people even stand to look at me?! How do I even have friends? Fat ugly people don't have friends. I am such a disgrace!"

And when I get home from work feeling absolutely disgusting I break down crying because to tell you the truth, I think I am really depressed...again. Because every single day I think how easy it would be to just end it all because it would be so much easier to not have to deal with this world. Like, I see people interacting and doing normal things and it confuses the shit out of me. I don't know why but I don't think I fit here at all.

And I don't even want to feed myself. Right now, its not at the point where I want to lose weight, I still do of course, but I just don't want to feed myself because I don't think I deserve it and every time I eat I hate myself. So I want to avoid that feeling as much as possible.

I hope this storm passes over soon and I hope I don't come out of it 10 pounds heavier.

Eden xox.

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Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal

Thanks everyone for the amazing support that I have gotten so far. It means a lot to me.

I see myself having a tremendously busy day today. I also don't see myself having any time to eat. Which is very good.

The motivation and the will to lose weight is in me. It is in all of us. And now I can finally feel it. I have a lot of hope for today and the next couple of days and I am excited to see the scale go down. I know it will.

I know sometimes that we have all this hope and then we end up binging uncontrollably and it all brings us down. But it is a new month and I see that most of you already have new goals. There is always a chance to start again.

Good luck everyone!!

Eden xox :)

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