I don't feel worth it today.

The work that I have been trying to do seems insignificant and it won't work. I know that the dress I'm wearing today will make me look really good but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. I don't feel worth it. It's not going to work.

I checked the scale this morning, against my own will and it showed no gain and a little loss. I expected to be a couple of pounds heavier because of all the shit I've been putting in my mouth but I was really good. Although it was only a couple decimals down, its closer than I was before. And I've realized that I need to view how many pounds I need to lose in a different way. Instead of saying I need to be 147, I need to tell myself it is just 3.2 pounds away. Theres a different affect right?

So, yeah... I just wanted to post my feelings about how nothing seems worth it today... but things might change I don't know.

I will post my "testimony" tonight.

Eden.

'

ordinary's just not good enough today

So, after looking so gorgeous today (not really but I tried) the boy wasn't at school and he didn't get to see me...sad face. But I might wear a dress tomorrow and maybe that will be even better. I don't know. So that means that I haven't talked to him yet. And I probably won't until late tonight...since he seems to be somewhat of a night owl. What types of things should I talk to him about? I'm obviously only going to text him and I want to keep the convo going. I seem to a have a problem with keeping them interested because I just don't know what the heck to talk about. So your input would be gladly appreciated.

It seems that I have put all my focus on trying so hard for this boys attention that I have to admit, I have majorly been slacking in the food area. Ice cream and chocolate????? Bad I know. But I have just been craving chocolate bars for the past couple of days. And it is horrible. I didn't eat during school but on the way home my friends persuaded me to buy an ice cream with them....so I did. AND I bought a kinder egg. So bam theres 580 calories. All I need to do is eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Has anybody else had issues with self harm? I kind of want to post my story on here but I am not sure if you want to hear about it... but if you do I'll write it all up. It would be nice to get my story out. I have never told anyone before so.... yeah let me know.

Oh and thanks for all the support so far. I really appreciate it. And I'll say this again, I DO read your blogs... but I have no idea what to say if I were to comment. So, thats why I hardly comment. Just sayin...

Eden.

I don't want to jinx it but...

Today is a VERY good day. And it has got to get better. Because it is only 8 am. So all of the things that made my day fan freaking tastic happened in the middle of the night.

#1(the most exciting thing): I finally got the courage, with the help of a very good friend, to talk to that boy. And guess what! he doesn't hate me!! ahaha, that's an accomplishment. (I am probably more excited than you are about that) I didn't really expect him to reply last night but low and behold he did. It just happen to be while I was sleeping. Whats up with these late nighters?

#2: My hair is done and my new outfit is on. I am sure I don't look bad but I always think I do. Changing this morning was a nightmare because I know the clothes could look SO MUCH BETTER. If only that one little fact were true: if I was skinny. But I am not.

As I was over my friends house last night we were taking and she told me some very interesting things about myself. She said "I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend. Your just so pretty, and so nice" And she wasn't just trying to make me feel better she was actually serious. But I just couldn't believe her. I'm like yeah well I'm fat, and ugly. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I am nice but you gotta get past my ugliness first. But she said I was wrong (being legit serious again) and it makes me think... maybe I actually am somewhat attractive... I wish I could see it!! :(

Yeah so I hope the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. Wish me luck with the boy!

Ugh, wrong type of thinspo...

So today was a major F.A.I.L. I fucking hate myself because I can't take this serious enough. I keep thinking "tomorrow is a new day and you can start over". Yeah well that happens every flipping day and I can't keep telling myself that. Its now or never and if I screw up that means I fail. Plain and simple.

I bought a whole bunch of clothes today but it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Changing in front of a mirror and trying to fit into pants that don't fit is devastating. I was going to fucking CRY in the change room. Because I am so fucking F.A.T, it was horrible. so so so horrible.

And my mother is a whole different type of story! Man, if you had my mother I swear you'd be 60 pounds by now. It was non-stop complaining about how she is so fat and blah blah blah type shit. And after I ate I was like "I want to be skinny (sad face)". You know how she responded? Here's a laugh: "You know you you can be, here's all you have to do: Stop eating bread, eat under 500 calories and exercise a lot." Ha, well guess what mother! That's what I've been trying to flipping do!! Oh gosh if she only knew. (She'd probably encourage it anyways.) My my my.

So that's my plan. Mother knows best right? I can't keep slacking. No motherfucking carbs. They are the death of me I swear. I WILL stick to my goals. I hate failing.

I've just been out of it today. Do you ever have one of those days that start out fine, you think nothing is wrong and then someones like "you look down today" and then all of a sudden you are? I just feel horrible about myself. I want to cry, but I won't.

By the way, sorry about all the "motherfuckings". I just feel that I need to warn you about my love for that word. Hope you don't mind ahah.

Eden xox.

'

I've come too far to take orders from a cookie

I think I broke one of my goals today. I ate some carbs, which breaks my little heart but there is nothing I can do about it now but to move forward.

Yesterday was fantastic! I swear I ate maybe 350 calories? Walked 150 of it off? I was very light headed at work and I swear I could feel my stomach digest itself a bit. (probably not but what ever). I could feel the digestion process happening when I knew that there was nothing to digest, since I ate hours before. I like that feeling. I want the fat to disappear!!!

And last night I had a dream where I was so scared to go on the scale and when I did there was no change in my weight and I was so pissed off. I was mad because I was trying my hardest and nothing happened. But that was a dream. And I forced myself to check the scale this morning and I am surprised that there was no change, and I wasn't even that mad. Its better then gain right? And it can only go down if I just keep restricting! And that may be a problem tonight because my sister is bringing home dinner. Which to my luck is only meat and carbs. Whatever, I'll find a way around it. Chew and spit? Maybe. Its gross I know but its better than eating it.

I get to go SHOPPING TOMORROW! Which is fantastic to me, I'll be able to buy a lot of new clothes that will hopefully make me look better (skinnier), then Tuesday I'll get my hair done. So, my plan is that all this will prepare for Wednesday, which hopefully that certain boy I've been telling you about will be at school and I can make him take a second glance in my direction. Or some stares. I don't mind as long as he is looking at me! (Oh gosh I think about him way too much!!)

Eden xox.

The rush is worth the price I pay.

I feel kind of sick right now. I don't know why but I feel like puking. All I had today was a tea, and orange, and a multivitamin pill. I am thinking that the nausea may had something to do with the multivitamin. It says I have to eat with it, which I did, but if its requiring more than what I ate I am not going to take them anymore. Even though I desperately need them. I don't want my hair falling out (more than it already does). So I need these vitamins. I don't know, I'll keep trying them I guess.

And I've got new motivation! In my last post I mentioned that one of my goals was to get a certain boy want me. And boy do I ever want him to want me. It's ridiculous. And I shouldn't even want him to want me. You know why? Because he was a complete dick to me. It was all good and then bam, I didn't exist to him anymore. But I can't get him off my mind and he is everywhere I go. I don't know why I like him again. I need a slap in the face I really do, but I doubt that would help me. I'm love stuck girls! For a complete asshole.... ha.

So, maybe I don't exactly want a relationship with him at this point but I want to look so good that he can't take his eyes off me. I want him to WANT to talk to me again. So, that is my goal: To look so damn fine that he can't resist me.

Good enough thinspiration? I think so.

I hope I don't eat anymore today. That would be really good because I ate so much the past to days, I need to fix it. I am not even going to look at the scale till Monday. I can't imagine how much I gained.

I've been really into Ke$ha lately. Have you all heard of her? Her personality annoys me (because she acts like a drunk) but she has some good music. It's all I've been listening to for days.

Eden xox

'

destroyed.

I totally destroyed dinner tonight. It sucks so bad to be this full. I hate being this full. But tomorrows a new day and I have some goals that I have set for myself.

1) Absolutely not carbs or meat. Because carbs and meat = fat fat fat.
2)Be better at doing my homework and don't let my job get in the way of it. (I've been stressed to the max trying to finish essays and stuff that I have left till last minute. So no more of that!)
3)No eating at work.
4)Make a certain boy wish he had me ;)
5)Get to my second and third weight loss goal in the next week or two.

Sound good? Hopefully I can achieve these goals because they can definitely improve my life. Like they are good goals to set for yourself right?

Do any of you feel that this counting calorie, restricting, sometimes binging and purging thing won't stop? Like I can't even imagine myself not taking into account how many calories are in things when I eat. Its constantly there. Saying NO don't eat that because it is all fat! I don't know. What do you think?

Oh and I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning because as I was laying down, I felt more skinny, I could feel my ribs just a bit and I liked it. I didn't want to get up because it felt so nice.

Eden xox.

'