true.

Party Night

I am supposed to go to a huge dance tonight.
I am going to be wearing a tight red dress and get all pretty.
I am going to get drunk and dance with all my friends.

So why do I feel like locking myself in my room?
Why do I NOT feel excited one bit.

I want to but I just can't....

Stressed.

I feel like I have sooooo much to do
and I am sitting here wanting to do something
but I just cant.
I am in that mood.
Where nothing feels RIGHT

Sex Dream

(This post does talk about sex, and me, and can be a little personal. so beware)


Okay so this is what I remember about my dream last night:

I had a little sister (but I don't in real life) and me and her went to this boys house. There were like 3 or 4 boys who actually lived in the house. And in my dream it was the middle of the night when we went to this boys house. So my little sister was a virgin. One of the boys (all of them were my age 19ish) was interested in my little sister and wanted to have sex with her. So i let him. She thought she was more than ready and really really wanted to. At some point the guy that was interested in her was in his boxers and wanted me to feel his penis. It was huge....just saying. Then they went and had sex. At the same time there was a really cute boy interested in having sex with me. And I was so down for it. But he kept putting it off and i kept losing him. at one point he was sleeping in the other guys bedroom and i had to wake him up. So it was around early morning now because I spent all night trying to hangout with him. so when we actually had sex...he lasted for three seconds. very disappointing. then me and my little sister left, and i think there were train tracks or something.

It was a really intense dream and i remember the feelings like i was actually there.

Maybe i should add some of the context about my life that might influence this dream:

people have told me im addicted to sex. for many reasons. i dont disagree.

everyone i can have sex with live in a different city than me (i moved far away for university) so i have no one to release my sexual frustration to.

i miss it.

At this point I think that sex does have a big influence in my whole life. Since I had the dream i think about it a lot. with past sexual partners. because thats all i can do here. is THINK about it. i can't actually DO anything

Its a big problem for me and my dreams are not helping.

Love, Eden xoxo

My Life

There is something that has been really pissing me off about this world lately. It the fact that no one lives for themselves anymore. We can't live our OWN LIVES. We live for and through other people.

We can't do certain things because we can't offend other people, we do not want to wear certain things, say things or do things because in the back of our minds we always are thinking "what will someone else think" WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER! ITS MY LIVE! I shouldn't care what other people think or say because that's them, not me. But we always do that and we always will.

Why does it matter how skinny we are? Why does it matter that we have embarrassing pimples on our face or even the colour of our own damn skin. Why does that make you better than me?

I can do a lot of pretty damn amazing things.
I can be your best fucking friends.
I can change your mother fucking life.

But I can't. Because you can't see who I am as a person. We hide ourselves because we think that other people won't accept our true selves. And we are right. They won't. But why?

As far as I know we have one life. But we only live half of it. Who told us to do so? I want to do everything I want to do. Because its MY fucking life. Not yours. I don't want to care about what you say.

I'm BACK

I haven't been on blogger in a while.

A) because life happens
B) i didn't have any "problems" (or at least i thought) to talk about

Well I am at the point again where I just can't sit here and think about everything. It should not be stuck in my head. Its too much for one person to handle. So I thought I would go back to my old blog because it is just too much work to start a new one with no followers. At least with this one, there is a good chance that people might read it.

I am actually surprised at how many of the people I followed are still going strong. Main word being strong. Because they are. So that gave me the courage to come back and keep telling my story.

A few updates about me that I feel are relevant to post on my returning are:

1)Eating is not longer a day by day issue
(I think that there are many more issues that concern my time. Not saying that I don't think about it from time to time. Fuck yes I do)

2)I recently started cutting again.
(Not sure how I feel about that...)

3) I am in university. Living in a residence setting, with roommates and a very demanding school work schedule.

I think that telling you about everything that I have been through since I stopped posting would take a very long time and I don't think I am ready for that. So if I bring things up, please take it as it is, as my personal journal for all of you to read, understand and relate to.

I hope that my old followers will still want to hear about me, even if they do not remember me at all and I also hope to receive new ones, and meet other people.

Love, Eden.

You really can't trust people anymore.

They only one you can trust is yourself, and thats it.

stoned rants.

I need to start blogging more. I really do, I miss reading everyone's blog. We all have a lot in common.

So, I kind of feel like just spitting out random ideas, just to get them off my chest.

I really hate people. I really really do. People are so godamn power driven, and so selfish. All they do is take from other people just to get ahead. its all " me me me" because nobody cares for other people anymore. Some times I think to myself "don't you realize we are human beings, just like you. we hurt." I have known so many fucking lairs too. Everyone seems to be a compulsive lair! Why would you lie about something you don't have to? The truth won't hurt. And don't lie about things to make you look better. Either you did or you didn't. Don't tell me you've fucked every girl in this room because I know you haven't. I wish everyone can see the world I do. I wish I had a life where I didn't think everyone was selfish lairs. But that's all I've known.

When I was a kid, everyone told me I had such an amazing smile. You didn't see me without one. I was the type of kid that would make parents smile because I wasn't annoying. I was the kid every parent wants. Now, even though I've been through hell, literally, even though I've had the most depressing days ever, I would still put a smile on for people. Because even though I had a shit day, I would try to make everyone else's day better. I've always been like that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. If it doesn't make sense, I understand.

Anyways, I really do hate eating. Its not worth it. I always feel like shit afterwards. The less I eat throughout the day, the better. I can't stand this bulging stomach.

Oh, side note. I was sleeping with the boy the other day (literally sleeping, not sex) and in between adjustments in how we were situated he put his hands on my stomach like it was nothing. Like he didn't even notice the fat grotesque thing. he just placed it there like it was a normal flat belly and I couldn't believe it. I don't know, it was weird to me ahah

If you don't listen to Eminem's Recovery album. Do it. It's fucking amazing. And I don't even like rap.

And I've got an idea, at the end of each post I'm going to ask a question for all of you ladies :)
Comment it if you want to answer. It's okay if you dont, the might be too personal.

What is a characteristic that you hate about yourself, that you try really hard to hide?

My answer:
I hate that I am really obsessive and quick to think the worst in people. I can't let go of anything or anyone, if I like something I will literally obsess over it. And yeah I will automatically think people have the worst intentions about everything. Like I'll suck a guys dick and I automatically assume that they are using me like a cheap whore and laugh about it behind my back all the time. Weird right?

update

I'm pretty sure I haven't updated in a while, it seems like a month to me.

Have you ever been through one of the points in your life where you just seem stuck? Like you have no idea who you are as a person anymore. Things never seem to stay constant enough to get your emotions straight. Your up, then your down.

It seems like all the tragedies of life has squeezed itself into one summer. Like it never ends. And they all are making me into a person, who I am not sure I want to become.

Since I have only been with one guy, he will be forever be my first love. And that isn't a good thing. Because I can already tell that I search for guys just like him.

He is the biggest dick ever. I had the chance to be with a really nice guy, but I decided to ditch out on him because he was "too nice". Seriously, I couldn't take it. So, i keep going back to the other guy, who uses me, humiliates me, makes me hate him, and then tells me to not give up on him. So I don't. I go back to him every single time.

Hoping that things will be different the next time. That maybe he will turn around. I know he wont but I cant give up on hope.

I'm moving away in a month in a half, to somewhere far away where I wont know anyone. I am scared shitless but I am sure it will be a good thing.

All i have to so is make all the required changes to my body and then I am sure the confidence I need to be on my own will just flourish out of me.

Nobody will know me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Just got to get rid of this layer of fat first

Oh, and i relapsed with cutting again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am asked every single day why i dont wear shorts. It is soooo mother fucking hot out and i cant wear shorts!

Anyway, i hope you ladies are doing okay

i'm sure you agree.

keep it up while its there.

Things are starting to settle down and I no longer feel the need to just hide or throw it all away. But these damn life experiences keep changing me. I am a totally different person.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...childish fantasies of real love have flown out the window.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...I keep getting a glimpse of reality and into what people really do behind my "rose tinted glass"

Since sex has been introduced into my life...it seems to be the only thing people want from me. and I've learned that I can just give and take from people.

Since sex has been introduced into my life...my innocence has disappeared.

I fell for the biggest dick in the planet. A dick who knows just how much of a dick he is to me and doesn't really care, he actually finds it funny.



So I don't care about him anymore. I'll use him just as much as he uses me.


But prince charming is knocking at my door now. The sweetest boy ever. He would never hurt me and I know he wouldn't. The problem now is....I can hurt him. and bad.



Because I no longer want the cute little dating scene.


I want the dick. Because I can't let go of my first. I just can't. No matter how bad he is for me, no matter how good prince charming is.

Something keeps telling me that I need to hold on...just for a bit longer.

mood swings.

I don't know if I can handle all of these changes in emotions. If things go bad, I have a bad week, and during that week I will have a bad outlook on everything which in turn will make everything look worse than it is.

But when things go okay, like they are at the moment, and things don't seem too shabby.

I can make it through the day without wanting to crawl in bed and stay there forever.

I have confidence in myself that I know what I am doing and that I have some control (even though control has totally left the building at this point).

The balance of good and bad is not there anymore.

I have no idea when things will turn for the worse.

But, for now I am okay. And that's all I need right now. Is just to be okay. Because life goes on and things happen but no matter what...things will be okay...even if its just for a little while.

I pray that all of you will be okay :)

When I started this blog, and started following all of you lovely ladies, I was so innocent. I basically had all the time in the world to do what ever I wanted. I wasn't attached emotionally to people, well...maybe a little. But not like now. Now it feels that these people have complete control over me. Over my emotions. One little thing can set me off. Literally. I can't take this anymore. Everything overwhelms me.

And I feel like I'm fucking crazy. The emotions that run through my head, the way I react to things, the way I view certain situations. It's like totally different from everyone else and I sit there wondering why I can't see things the way everyone else does. Things seem perfectly rational at first...then they tell me I'm wrong or overreacting and its like...why? Is it really that bad to view things that way?

And so tonight I am left alone. And no one seems to care. I'm not that important to them anyways.

I wish I could be perfect for everyone.

I wish I didn't have to attach emotionally to these people.

I wish I didn't hurt when they tell me they don't care about me.

I wish that was enough to walk away.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well thats alright because I like the way it hurts."

Listen to Eminem ft. Rhianna- I love the way you lie.

Its a good song.

You would be ashamed of me.

And the things I've done.

I'm even ashamed in me.

I've hurt people that are so close to me,

because I don't care what I put myself through.

The retaliation comes after,

the selfish thoughts of how MY life will go on,

not how other people feel,

because that doesn't matter to me.

Even though it should.

I used to be so innocent, just a month ago.

Now I am lost.

I don't know who I am anymore,

where I stand on things,

what I believe.

I really don't care who uses me,

as long as its me that they want to use.

As long as they want me in some form.

I look at cute couples holding hands,

people in love,

guys who actually care about girls,

people kissing.

I realize that isn't for me.

It will never happen.

It doesn't matter if people say "you deserve better"

Because if I did, then would I be having that?

Well....I accept this love, or what ever it is.

I am just a play thing now.

thank you everyone.

I really do mean that. It means a lot to hear that you come on here to listen to me, because there are some things people just can't understand. And I know you all do.

I feel like I am watching my life through a mirror. Like I am seeing it happen but it is not affecting me. I am letting it happen and I want to see more?

I feel like one of those people who sit in rehab or therapy and they are so traumatized, they go through the events in their life, put two and two together, go through their experiences and realize all the messed up things that happened to them, they start to realize they could've done better, that they are messed up because of the horrible things that happened. I feel that I am going through those messed up life experiences, ones that will make me want to somehow block those things later on in life. May it be drugs or whatever.

Its bad but for some reason I don't think it is.

My friend sat there last night crying in front of me because of all the stuff I'm going through. She was crying because its so messed up and I don't deserve it.

I sat there smiling because I felt that there was nothing I could do. I didn't feel sad, mad, or anything. I tried to cry, couldn't, then stopped trying.

All I know is that nobody can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Nothing seems to compare. This all seems like a joke to me.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I find every single outlet for pain. To mess my life up. To scar myself inside and out. But it happens. And I let it.

The people who try to look out for me can't help me anymore.

I'll end up pushing them away because of this. I know it.

All I can hope is that they will be there for me when the tears come, when the emotions reach the top and explode.

Thank you for taking the time to read this :)

How can I go through my entire life only finding ways to hurt myself. I used to think girls who let guys use them all the time were a joke. Now I understand how easy it is. Sometimes you get lost in a world and the only thing you have left is that. To be used. To be fucked. To tell a guy you'll suck his dick just so that he will want to see you again while others in the background tell you you are making a huge mistake and you deserve better.

Well if I deserved better I would have had it by now. But no, this is what I deserve. This is what I will take.

I wish I looked like a beauty queen. All you girls are fighting to stay under your calorie limits. I think I am too depressed to eat. I'm starving my body and I don't even care.

I am sure the time will come back, where I have nothing but food to think about.

But it is the last thing on my mind. I eat to survive now. I have to literally force myself to eat something because with out it I pass out. And even then I don't eat much.

So my body continues to shrink.

I am sorry that I don't talk about ED stuff anymore. All of you are probably looking for some sort of thinspo and I don't see how you can find it here.

Not even sure why you guys would read my blog. Its so depressing. I am sorry.

used.

I gave him what he wanted that night.

Gave him everything.

Now I have to do everything in my power to keep him wanting me.

Even if that means just fucking him.

I will not be a one night stand.

I won't just let him forget me.

I don't understand how people can just tell me to forget about him.

If he has every intention to just use me...then at least he wants me still.

I gave him my virginity (in the most unromantic way...)

Now I have no idea what to do.

I'm making it way to easy for him to use me.

But now that's the only thing I know...

balance

Yeah so I've been having a really hard couple of days. But I have a theory.

So during the week, the good days and the bad days have to even themselves out. I can never have a really good week and leave it at that. No, there has to be bad days to make up for it. There is always a balance.

So my theory is that if I've been having a really bad, terrible, really bad couple of days, then I must be having some really really good days ahead of me. And I am thinking that tomorrow will be that start of that. That's my plan, that I won't let anything get me down tomorrow because it just has to be a good day. It just has to.

I was talking to the boy yesterday, stayed up all night texting him. The topic of my virginity came up and he asked why I still was one. I told him that I am not ready to have sex, that I am waiting for a boy to realize that I am better than just sex. So it is out there now, I don't have to think of the consequences anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point.

I will say no. If he doesn't want me then there is nothing more I can do. I'm willing to give him everything, its his choice to take it.

Thank you to all who have been commenting my blog, helping me realize that I am not alone in this. I read all of your blogs when I have time.

We all need to stay strong. I'm hanging on just as tight as you are.

what to do.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering.

I'm through the worse of it. I don't want to let myself go under again. I know its going to happen, and probably soon, but for right now I am okay. And that is all I could ask for.

I have realized the following:

I could be so good for him. I would devote all my time to making him happy, because that is all I want. Is just to make him happy. To be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for. But I don't want to have sex. And I know that is a lot to ask of him. But I would make up for it by making him happy. I know he likes me. And I like him more than anything in the world. So this is how it has to be. I am going to have to tell him if he ever asks me out. I'm going to have to say that I will give him everything in the world, I would give him the moon and the stars to make him happy, but I won't have sex with him. Hopefully he wants the moon and the stars more than sex.

I can't do much more than that.

I'll be drinking again on Friday with him. I know it will be so much more harder to say no this time. But it has to be done.

I know some of you are probably thinking why don't you just have sex, its not that bad. Well for me it would be traumatizing. I couldn't imagine what I would be like afterwords. It'd be a suicide trigger for sure. Not even exaggerating in the slightest.

I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about how happy and comfortable I felt in his arms, with his hands holding mine. I replay the song he put on my mp3 because it reminds me of him.

So, I am good for today. Please God, don't let me fall under again. Its too much.

Oh, by the way, I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks I think? I never starved myself forcefully. My mind was too preoccupied with thinking about other things to think about how much calories I am eating.

But none of this was easy. If I could go back to just worrying about calories I would. Now I have everyday to just get through.

pretend that you're alive again.

Its amazing how fast I can shut down. How any emotion, good or bad can no longer to exist. Just disappear and I can't find them again.

I snapped today.

Went under and I want to get back up.

"I don't feel real, I don't feel right."

Suicide is a fantasy when your like this. It replays in your head like a dream. And boy am I dreaming. Some days it seems so much easier to give up.

"So fall in love while you can, still hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive again."

I want to disappear. Open up my skin and let all this out.

I hate these days. I want to get it over with.

Being in love is too scary for me. I'm scared to death of sex. I don't want to lose him because of that.

People say "if he doesn't understand then he isn't right for you." But I want him to understand. I want him! I want him!!!!!

I couldn't imagine showing my scars.

That's why is seems so much better to just end it all.

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get through the day.